It Sounds Like Rat and Patooty, That's not Appetizing!

I took my two older girls to see Ratatouille this Friday. I'm afraid that I have become accustomed to a sort of mindless quality that has overcome the computer-generated kids flick genre in the last three or four years. Even Shrek the 3^rd was unable to overcome it. However, I failed to realize that Pixar is exempt from this pitfall. Pixar has consistently delivered entertaining and heart warming tales that can amuse everyone in the family. That is a claim that is promised by many but fulfilled by few. Ratatouille is one such film.

The voice acting was superb. However, it caused me some trouble. All through the movie I wracked my brain to place the voice of the main character, Remy. It was so familiar, yet so hard to associate. I finally had my answer during the credits, Patton Oswalt. Patton Oswalt!? I was going through name after name of young Hollywood up-and-comers as that seems to be the preference for leading roles in CGI movies lately. Nah, not at Pixar. These are the people that cast Coach Hayden Fox as Mr. Incredible and Albert Brooks as Marlin, they won't bow to the trend (let's just ignore that blip on the radar with Mr. dicknose in Cars.) I don't know why I couldn't place Oswalt's voice. It's very distinctive. He did a marvelous job.

His costars were a mix of established actors and some unknowns. For example, his opposite, Linguini, was played by Lou Romano. A quick scan of his IMDB profile doesn't lead to any standout performances. However, Linguini's romantic interest was played by dame comedienne Janeane Garofalo. She's another one I didn't associate until after the movie. The ev-il food critic was played by none other than Peter O'Toole (he hasn't been knighted yet?) having been almost animated into the part as well as offering his voice to the role. The true villain of the story, however, was Skinner, played by Sir Ian Holm. Will Arnet, Brian Dennehy, James Remar, and Brad Garret (of Raymond fame) fleshed out the rest of the notable cast, though I'm sad to say none of them really made an impression on me. I was pleased to see that the old Pixar standby, John Ratzenberger made it into this one as well.

The movie hinges on the unlikely plot device of Remy the rat controlling Linguini the human's actions by pulling on various locks of hair. I readily overlooked this aspect as I had already suspended my disbelief of a rat that could not only read, but cook as well as a finely-trained French chef. It takes some surprising turns towards the predictable end, which is refreshing for a Disney movie. I have found that most of their recent offerings can be sussed out by the first fifteen minutes. I'm not going to offer any spoilers, however. Those of you that are interested will probably go see the movie, those of you that aren't don't care, so here we are.

As far as Summer CGI entries go, I predict that this will be the top of the heap, including Shrek the 3^rd. Thankfully, The Simpsons Movie does not fall into that bucket, or I may have some words to eat. Next up, Transformers!

I give Ratatouille four out of four half-eaten pieces of stinky cheese on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

Die Harder Than You’ve Ever Died Before

Stacy and I caught an early showing of the new Bruce Willis movie, Live Free or Die Hard yesterday. For those of you woefully uninformed, this fourth installment of the Die Hard franchise, like the other three, features wisecracking New York Detective John McClane fighting terrorists. John McClane is one of those sorts that is always in the wrong place at the right time; since he always manages to be in a position to foil the terrorists in one way or another before anyone else can or will. John is not in any sort of anti-terrorist or quick response unit. He’s just this normal guy that can’t get a break. I think that is one of the appeals of the Die Hard movies. Willis has got the everyman character down to a science. We want to believe that we would do what John McClane does if given the opportunity.

Enough about the franchise, how was the movie? Let me get what I don’t like about the movie out of the way first. Semi-spoilerish details follow.

The Bad:

• The terrorists use computers to take control of all traffic signaling in major US cities, all from one central location. There is no such thing. No central location controls every traffic signal in New York, DC, Chicago, LA, etc. Taking over such systems simultaneously would take much more manpower than the terrorist had and much more coordination.
• The terrorists trigger “Anthrax alarms” in every government building in DC at the same time. While this may be more plausible than the traffic control, it is not very likely.
• The terrorists take control of every broadcast, cable, and satellite television channel as well as EVERY networked computer to broadcast their videos to the public. WTF? Why does Hollywood always get this stuff wrong? Let’s assume that it was possible to control the television signals from three disparate sources as if there is a central location to control those. I know, not bloody likely, but let’s assume that for a moment. Where would they get the power and capability to broadcast their video to every networked computer, full screen? Computers just don’t work that way. The terrorists would have to pipe their signal to every computer, which is crazy to think of considering the varying types of networks out there and all the different safety and security components they would have to bypass on myriad systems. They would then have to trigger an automatic upload that simultaneously started every video player on every computer at the same time and played their synchronized message. Nuh uh. It could be conceivable if they used a virus to gain access, but the time it would take to propagate to every machine would allow it to be found by countless people that are paid to watch for such activity. Nope, it’s too much.
• In addition to all of this crazy-ass control the terrorist wield, they also have access to military secrets such as Air Force “go codes” and the ability to hijack a military jet to do their bidding. I’m ignoring how badass it was to watch John McClane versus a Harrier Jet for now and calling BS on the terrorists.
• The Mac (more on him later) constantly complains that, “the satellites must be down” when his cell phone won’t get signal. Who at this point has not heard of a cell phone tower? Cell phones don’t use satellites, they use towers to connect. Satellite phones use satellites, and they did not have those. If the power is completely out in a given area, it’s a good bet that the cell phone tower is out as well, which is a much more likely reason you are not getting cell signal. The Mac, being a consummate hacker, even able to do so with said cell phone, would be intimately familiar with how one works. I’m willing to bet the majority of the audience at least knows about cell towers. Why insult our intelligence?
• The terrorists perform all of their acts from a single, albeit mobile, location and no one figures out how to track them. We must accept that the anti-terrorism cyber unit or whatever they’re called in Homeland Security are completely unable to track these signals controlling so many disparate centralized systems to a single location? Come on!

Okay, as much as those little points irked me, they were all secondary to getting John McClane from point A to point yippee-ki-ay, mother trucker. That’s what Die Hard is all about, after all. So, even though the plot devices sucked to high heaven, the rest of the movie was cool as hell.

The Good:

• Bruce Willis naturally hits McClane out of the park. Ever since Moonlighting, Willis has proved that he knows how to play the wisecracking detective occasionally out of his depth.
• The hacker geek sidekick, played by The Mac was actually pretty entertaining. Not too surprising considering the other things I’ve seen him in.
• Timothy Olyphant, who I didn’t recognize even though I have seen him in a project or two, plays the villain. He actually does a pretty decent job.
• His hot second-in-command was played by Maggie Q of recent Mission: Impossible 3 fame. There’s nothing like a little hot ninja kickass action.
• Kevin Smith played the enigmatic Warlock. Okay, he’s not enigmatic, you just think that until you see him, then he’s just the shlub that’s portraying the stereotypical hacker nerd, but he does a good job there!
• Surprisingly, I enjoyed Cliff Curtis as the hardass in charge of figuring out what the hell is going on. Not surprising because I don’t like Curtis or anything. Honestly, he wasn’t familiar at all. Surprising because I usually don’t care about such secondary roles, but he performed well and his character’s decisions made sense. It’s just too bad his entire operation was inept.
• Mary Elizabeth Winstead played McClane’s estranged daughter Lucy. She channeled her inner Willis and was as tough as John. I really enjoyed her scenes in the movie.
• The action, holy crap was the action good. I don’t think I have ever seen that many car chases, explosions, gun fights, fist fights, helicopter versus car fights, jet versus man fights, apocalyptic end-of-the-world action in one place.
• Locations. While this movie doesn’t have any exotic locations like the Bond series, but it didn’t stay in one place for too long. I enjoyed watching Willis and The Mac playing catch up with the bad guys at various locations until the culminating scenes towards the end. And when all hope seems lost, yippee-ki-ay, mother-

If you dig action movies, then this is your first stop this summer.

I give Live Free, Die Hard four out of five explosions on a scale I just made up that doesn’t mean anything.

Oh, and in case you haven't caught it yet, here's a kickass tribute to John McClane by a group called Guyz Night. Language definitely NSFW!

More Will Ferrelly Goodness

That darn Pearl is back. This time she's out for Ferrell's blood! Check out the latest, and sadly last, of Pearl's appearances in Ferrell's funnyordie.com "Good Cop, Baby Cop". Thanks for the drop, BWE.tv!

Happy Father's Day! That's This Week, Right?

I feel a little guilty for not posting this last week right after Father’s Day, but here we are. I had a wonderful Father’s Day, complete with a stirring rendition of “Daddy’s Homecoming” by my daughter and the rest of the young children at church. Stacy and the girls gave me what could possibly be the sweetest and most cherished gift ever (forgive the sentimentality, I have a weakness for it when my kids are concerned) in the form of a custom photo album designed to sit on a desk and rotate through pictures (Creative Memories Picfolio Minutes, standby for shameless plug leading to Stacy's Web site.) There are three pages in the album each drawn or written by one of the girls along with some poems calculated to bring a tear to my eye and some great candids of the girls. It has a place of honor on my desk, right near my workstation. I have already proudly showed it off to a few of my interested cubicle visitors.

They also picked out a Wii game for me, Super Paper Mario. It’s a good one, full of the unique humor that made Super Mario RPG so fun on the Super Nintendo. It uses the Wii’s particular controller mechanism only peripherally, but that doesn’t detract from the fun of the game. It poses itself as a 2D sidescroller, but has the highly enjoyable feature to turn the screen sideways so you can look at the game field in all its flat glory from the side. Many hints, secrets, and required items can be found hidden in this third dimension that is so strange and unusual to the two dimensional inhabitants of that world. If you have a Wii and enjoy Mario games, I highly recommend the game.

MetaBlog Update Department:
This is my 100th post. Woo hoo!

More Than Meets the Eye, Potatoes Have Eyes, It’s a Joke, Get It? Ah, Forget It.

As you already know if you read Jon’s Threshold, I received another awesome gift for my new cubicle yesterday. Jamie gave me an Optimash Prime which may be the sweetest Mr. Potato Head ever. I would have to rate this over Darth Tater at least because Optimash is a good guy. Hmm, maybe I need to get a Darth Tater and pit the two in a duel to the julienne. Anyways, Optimash has taken up a benevolent watch over Power Girl in my upper cabinet. Someone must protect her virtue as she poses heroically, after all. That is assuming she doesn’t flatten any threats to her virtue with her two huge – muscles. You thought I was going to say boobs, didn’t you? Get your mind out of the gutter, perv. Not everything is about sex with me, okay? Speaking of which, this particular photo sparked quite a nerd conversation between Jon and I. Go check out his blog for the particulars. Here are the two heroes chillin’ in my cabinet with Optimash’s bitchin’ miniature Optimus truck sidekick. Thanks, Jamie!

Ain't nobody messin' with this cabinet!

Somebody Looks Fantaaaastic!

Jon, Jamie, Casey, and I went to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer on Monday. Judging by their previous effort, I could have gone into the movie expecting it to fall somewhere between Fantastic Four and Daredevil in the realm of crappy comic adaptations. However, the trailers made it look much better than that and may have skewed my expectations more towards X-Men levels.

Happily, I was not disappointed. This one was far better than the first in almost every respect. Unfortunately, three of the things that sucked from the first one made their way into this one. Namely, Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, and Julian McMahon. Grifod just doesn’t do a convincing Reed Richards. He tries his darndest, I’ll give him that, but he doesn’t make it. Jessica Alba, though one of the holy three Jessicas, has just about zero acting ability. Naturally, she makes up for it by showing off her boobs. Being the 21^st Century Cro Magnon Man I am, I don’t mind that much. Still, she is no Susan Storm.

The biggest stinker of the bunch is without a doubt McMahon. The man has no presence. He’s about as threatening as Mort Goldman from Family Guy. How can he even hope to pull of someone of Dr. Victor Von Doom’s imposing personality? It is as if the Casting Powers That Be decided that there was no way they could impart Doom’s over-the-top megalomania in a realistic manner, so they went 180 degrees and cast a milquetoast instead. There may be some truth to that sentiment, but that is no reason not to try, dammit!

Mort Doom, pleased to meet you.

Oh gosh, I hope that didn't come off as too pushy!

That said, Dr. Doom in his armor was definitely a sight to behold. They got that part right. Too bad it didn’t happen until the end. Doug Jones as the Surfer was outstanding. Laying Laurence Fishburne’s voice over the top made the Shining One fun to watch. He did some kee-razy things with his board that made for some splendid visual effects. Chris Evans gave his encore performance of Johnny Storm the same treatment as his first. He may not be born for the role like Michael Chiklis is for The Thing, but that doesn’t hurt him any. Chiklis was great. They roughed up his rock a little bit and lengthened his brow. I can see them slowly working him into the current comic book incarnation just as Ben Grimm evolved into a rockier Thing there.

One of Jon’s complaints was Galactus. I was just relieved that they didn’t have him as a giant space fart as some of the early images indicated. What they did do was nod to the comic community in the form of a silhouette in the shape of Ol’ Purple Pants’ helmet over Saturn and then again when the Surfer met with Galactapus. I had no complaints. Considering what form Galactus has taken in the comic books from time to time, specifically in an issue of Quasar back in the day, it wasn’t far from the source.

The visuals were excellent. Even seeing the Fantasticar in action wasn’t as cheesy as it could have been. Sue’s use of powers was not only well done, but appropriate for her ability. The Thing didn’t get as much clobberin’ time as I would have liked, but what he did was good. Human Torch looked perfect, especially in the scenes with the Silver Surfer. Dr. Doom’s weird organic lightning power was present, but did nothing that he couldn’t have designed his suit to do, so I still see that as an unnecessary conceit. The Surfer’s power was fun to watch, but had an odd origin that didn’t really jive with the comics. It was used as a plot device, though, so I can’t fault them too much.

The one power I did not appreciate the use of was Reed’s stretching ability. There is just something about Ioaian Griuoffffffiuod that doesn’t sell it to me. There were a couple of good scenes with it, one of which was in London, the other when it was not Reed using it. Speaking of that scene, which you see briefly in some trailers, I loved watching Johnny do the Super Skrull thing and use all four powers at once. While it remains to be seen if the Skrulls will make an appearance in a future FF movie, who knows if the Super Skrull will as well? This is probably the closest thing we’ll get to seeing that sort of action and it was fantastic (pun intended.)

I was a bit disappointed with the blatant product placement throughout the film. Dodge was plastered all over the Fantasticar, which struck me as contrary to Reed’s earlier sentiments about corporate sponsoring. Dos Equis was not just prominently featured, it was practically shoved in my face and spilled in my lap. They would have had to give out free bottles of the stuff to make the message any clearer.

I give this movie 3 ½ out of 5 super powered astronauts on a scale that I just made up and doesn’t matter for a thing.

New Job Blues

I realized again as I wrapped up my day in the NOC last Saturday that I really don’t like endings. I don’t like saying goodbye. I don’t like closing chapters on what was overall a positive experience in my life. I wasn’t too sentimental about leaving Reston. I will miss RTC, but I think that is because I am very familiar with it and Dulles is considerably more daunting in comparison. I will miss my friends in the NOC more.

As I came into work on Monday and sat down in my empty cubicle. I do mean empty; no computer, nothing on the desk, in the drawers, or in the cabinets. I think they thought I would be bringing my own equipment with me. The joke is on them. I got nuthin. I brought in my home laptop after a warning last week from Jamie, a friend and fellow programmer.

So I sat there with my laptop, which was dwarfed by the empty space around it, completely at a loss. I had no direction. I had no equipment, I had nothing to do but wait for the all-hands meeting to start at 10:00. After a few minutes, two of my new team members strolled in and we chatted for a little bit. However, it was clear they had their own things to do before the all hands, so I went back to the scant solitude of my empty cubicle.

The all-hands meeting was considerably better. They gave each of us assigned seating and I happened to be at a table with two people I had worked with before. The familiar faces were nice to see. Two hours later and we adjourned to the “fun” portion of the meeting at the Dulles Golf Center down the way. The food was good, but since Jamie decided to stay at work to finish some things up, I really had no one to talk with. I searched out a couple of my new teammates and sat with them, but after a few minutes of not being introduced to others at the table and being politely ignored in conversation. I realized something else.

I really don’t like beginnings. I am slow to make friends and I fear my shyness often comes off as aloofness. I tend to stay on the quiet side until I get to know the people around me, and I haven’t done that yet. Things tend to get off on a slow pace for me in social situations, which is one reason I avoid them when possible. I’d rather have a close-knit group of friends that I can identify with and feel comfortable around.

What I like is middles. That time period when I am comfortable in my surroundings, I know what I’m meant to do, I know the people I need to interact with, and I can see what’s coming. Call it a comfort zone thing or whatever, but I like it. I am eagerly looking forward to reaching that point here.

Best Farewell Present EVER, OR, The Magic Cleavage Window Makes Everything Better

Jon got me a little something to see me off on my way to the new job next week. He made sure that I would have company in my new pod, company of the HR infraction variety:

Thanks Jon! I'll think of you everytime I look at her. Ewww, not like that!

Pandora and Imeem

I love music. I don’t listen to the radio much, since I have audio books in my car, but I like having some music in the background when I’m doing schoolwork or programming on the computer. I have an extensive MP3 collection somewhere, but I have no MP3 player (I know, what decade am I living in?) and hauling out the CDs is kind of a pain.

www.pandora.com
Instead, I use an online music streaming site that I found a couple of years ago. If you want the radio experience online, but do not like the playlists you find at places like radio.aol.com, check out www.pandora.com. Just enter in an artist or song title that you like and the “Music Genome Project” will put together a streaming playlist that features similar artists. I have been introduced to quite a few new artists that I may have never heard this way. You can customize your playlist by marking songs you like or dislike until the station plays the type of music you want to hear. It is revolutionary as far as streaming music goes. I do not see why more companies don’t adopt this model. If you sign up, let me know and I’ll share a station or two with you.

www.imeem.com
Duddy recently introduced me to another music station. This one is like MySpace for playlists. People upload their favorite music on their profiles, and other people are free to link to it in their own playlists. The result is a huge database of songs with which to build endless playlists. Unfortunately, it appears record labels are flagging their artists’ work slowly but surely on the site. Instead of complete tracks for these artists, you’ll only get 30 second samples. Even ignoring those f-wit record executives, you can make a mighty playlist with everything available. You can also share tracks and entire playlists with others. You can find me by searching for merlintwizard under “People”. I’ve got one eclectic playlist and a couple others favorited. Try it out at www.imeem.com while there are still good songs online.

Movie Review Bonanza!

I was going to write up my usual take on the movies I’ve seen this month, but I’ve posted a ton today already and things are about to pick up here at work – I mean, um, I would never blog at work, that would be an ineffective use of company time and inappropriate use of company property! Um, anyway, here’s my abbreviated take on the latest cinematic adventures I’ve viewed.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Fitting bookend to the trilogy. Nothing above and beyond the first two that makes this one really stand out. It was an entertaining piratical romp. Rush and Knightley make this one worth watching. Of course, Stacy would have you believe that Depp made it worth watching, but while his Sparrow is entertaining, he doesn't do it for me.
Three out of Four Jolly Rogers

Shrek the Third
Meyer’s Shrek is wearing on me. He was the least entertaining character. Luckily his supporting cast of fairytale friends hit the laughs often. Add in a dash of Python players in the form of Cleese and Idol, some delightful Julie Andrews, and a couple of rousing speeches to sway the villains one way or another, and you get a decent movie. I did like the second one better, though. For the record, nothing beats Snow White lilting to the woodland creatures in a voice straight out of the original Disney movie before launching into Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song.
Seven and a Half out of Fourteen Jellied Eyeballs

Surf’s Up
Surprisingly good! I expected more of the standard CGI schlock that has littered cinema screens in the wake of Pixar’s gems. However, this one succeeded where others have failed miserably. The voice cast really did it for me. I love Diedrich Bader’s work and having him reprise his character from Napoleon Dynamite was perfect. Speaking of Napoleon, Dynamite himself gave a great performance as the hapless stoner chicken. Jeff Bridges basically played the Dude in penguin form, so that was cool. James Woods does great voice over work. I loved Brian Posehn as the older brother. The LaBeouf played the lead character, but I find that lead character voices in the CGI movies all sound alike, so I didn’t realize until I looked him up.
Nine out of Ten Chum Buckets

Hero or Villian, I’m Still a Nerd

Which Super Hero are you?

My results:
I am Spider-Man

Spider-Man 95% Green Lantern 75% Superman 70% Hulk 60% Robin 53% The Flash 45% Iron Man 40% Supergirl 38% Batman 30% Catwoman 30% Wonder Woman 28%

I am intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test


Which Super Villain are you?

My results:
I am Dr. Doom

Dr. Doom 65% Lex Luthor 49% Apocalypse 47% Mr. Freeze 46% Magneto 44% The Joker 37% Riddler 33% Juggernaut 32% Mystique 32% Dark Phoenix 31% Kingpin 30% Catwoman 28% Green Goblin 28% Two-Face 28% Venom 27% Poison Ivy 13%

Blessed with smarts and power but burdened by vanity.

Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz

MAF Take 2

A long time ago, back in Utah, I had some car trouble. I had to keep my foot on the gas at all times or the engine RPMs would flatline and the car would stall. This made for some interesting stops as I double-footed the gas and brake. I’m not good at hitting the brake with my left foot. I use that foot for the clutch. You don’t ease the clutch pedal down, you hit it, and then gently release.

Picture me jamming my foot down on the brake like I’m trying to stop the car with my feet. Heck, just imagine Fred with a red beard and no hair and you pretty much have it.

The cause turned out to be the Mass Airflow (MAF) sensor. It sits on the air intake vent just behind the air filter. All it consists of is a couple of tiny pieces of metal that test the air as it passes through. It helps the computer decide how to mix the air and fuel, though. A problem with the MAF means your engine doesn’t get the right mixture.

The first time I removed it and cleaned it out with the assistance of my father-in-law. Very easy and very cheap fix. In case you can’t figure out where I’m going with this, it happened again.

My experience was a little different this time, so I didn’t assume it was the sensor right away. I took the car in to my mechanic to have him read the error codes. Apparently, they don’t know how to read them since the 95 Probe shares so many characteristics with the Mazda MX6. They didn’t charge me for the code reading and sent me to a Ford dealer.

Any guess at Ford’s answer? Only a $1500 dollar quote to replace the MAF sensor AND the distributor. Thanks, but no thanks. I think that is about the car’s net worth now. I paid them the $90 for the code reading and took my busted ride home. I tried to get the MAF off to clean it. I had forgotten that Ford is run by a bunch of proprietary jerkholes. The two tiny bolts holding it down were star bolts with a peg in the middle. That meant that my star bit would not fit since it didn’t have a depression in the tip. Naturally, no local hardware or auto shop carried the bit. So I said, “scroot,” and drilled out the bolts. Replacement hex bolts from Home Depot cost me $0.20.
The MAF was pretty dirty, so I polished it off and put it back in. Excited to test my fix, I hopped behind the steering wheel. I didn’t even get out of my parking spot.

Dammit.

I drove my wounded bird to the mechanic and gave them Ford’s prognosis. Stacy picked up a cheap MAF from a local auto shop and dropped it off for them to try first. Distributors cost a lot more than MAF sensors and are a lot harder to replace. They popped in the new one while I was at work and the engine purred like a kitten. The final price from them was $80, but it included the charge for installation and additional testing on the distributor and system.

All told the entire situation cost us $300. That’s just a little bit less than Ford’s quote. Only one frickin’ fifth of their quote! How do these people sleep at night? I kicked myself a little for not just replacing the MAF sensor myself in the first place, which would have saved about $180, but what’s a little extra to be sure it’s all working?

Until next time you break my car, Murphy.

On to Bigger Things

On a decidedly good note, I have a new job lined up. After nearly seven years in the NOC, I am moving on to work I actually like doing. I met with my new manager a few weeks ago about a programming position on his team. Ironically, I was in Dulles that week attending a programming training course. My current manager set June 18 as my transition date. Tomorrow is my last day in the NOC.

I have talked to one of my future teammates. It appears that I will be doing the scut work for a while. Whenever something comes across their desks that they don’t want to handle, they’ve been setting it aside for the new guy. Ah well, that’s fine by me. Anything is an improvement over what I’m doing now.

It’s been a few weeks now, but I was involuntarily moved to the IC side of the desk when management split them back off from dial and wireless support. I miss dial and wireless. I miss sitting at the desk with Jon. I'm a mess without Jon. I miss Jon so damn much. I miss being with Jon, I miss being near Jon. I miss Jon’s laugh. I miss Jon’s scent; I miss Jon’s musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think Jon and me should get an apartment together.


So yeah, IC sucks unmentionables. I love programming. So even though I’m going to be inheriting a bunch of PERL maintenance gigs (PERL is an fergly programming language,) I am happy to leave the NOC work behind. However, I will miss the NOC. More specifically, some of the people I worked with. Many have moved on, but those that have not know who they are. Once you guys get to Dulles, we’ll do some lunches.

Air Conditioners, Can’t Live Without Em, Can't Let Em Piss On Themselves

My recommendation to everyone that has a central AC: don’t break it at the beginning of summer.

Stacy and I have known since we moved in that we’d have to replace the AC within a couple of years. We were tipped off by the home inspector who said, “Yeah, you’ll have to replace the AC within a couple of years.” It’s old and it creates a noticeable halocline right at the second floor (yeah, yeah, halocline is the vertical salt water/fresh water barrier in bodies of water and has nothing to do with temperature, work with me here!) We figured the deafening sound every time the AC kicked on was another step towards that great big Freon factory in the sky. Little did we know that the AC’s demise was closer than we thought and that it would not die of natural causes.

Poor little AC, it deserved better than that.

It started early in the season shortly after the first heat wave hit us. Stacy found a puddle of water at the feet of the furnace/condenser stack in the basement. I figured it was the pvc pipe leaking since I never cemented the couplers I installed a couple of years ago. I was proved wrong after finding that the AC had soiled itself again post-cement.

Time to call a professional.

That was a mistake.

The HVAC tech said the condenser wasn’t draining properly and installed a little clear U-pipe near the top of the pipe leading out of the unit (yes, Jon, I said unit.) Yay! Our problem was fixed for only a couple hundred dollars!

That is, until the AC left a puddle like a puppy frightened by the postman. This time we could see the leak inside the cabinet. The water was going down the U-pipe, but it couldn’t make it back up the other side because it was actually higher then the beginning of the U-pipe. Basic physics must not be a prerequisite to servicing HVACs. The leak was actually on the other side of the cabinet, right above the electrical panel and eventually leading down to the furnace pilot light. Warning bells rang in the dim recesses of my mind. Surely this was not a good combination.

I fashioned a makeshift drain out of some old dryer ducting and a bucket. Macguyver’s got nothing on me! Of course I can’t leave well enough alone. We had already called the HVAC guy back, but I wanted to see what I could do in the meantime. I must have bumped the dryer duct, because as I was messing with the U-pipe on the other side, I could smell the telltale scent of burning plastic and metal that signals an electrical fire and the HVAC’s impending doom.

Being the genius that I am, I continued to work at the U-pipe while the AC struggled on. It didn’t last long, though. A loud snap-pop, the death rattle of the aged equipment, signaled the end of it all. Stacy ran into the other room to hit a circuit breaker, but it was too late. I glanced in the cabinet and saw a small blue flame. I snuffed it out and hung my head as the acrid smoke wafted up from the HVAC.

What’s the cost of a new HVAC? Oh, only five grand. It’s a good thing we’ve been saving up. What’s that? We haven’t? Darn. I guess it’s a good thing we’ve got credit for it. Oh? We don’t have that either? Crap. Well it’s good that the HVAC company offers 12 months same as cash! What do you mean I don’t qualify for that? What’s that? Home Depot is selling window AC units for $200? Sold!

I didn’t find out until yesterday that applying jointly, Stacy and I qualify for the 12 months same as cash from a different lender, so it looks like we’ll get a new HVAC next week. I’m really not sure how Stacy’s complete lack of income helps us qualify when I can’t get the financing alone. Ah well, at least we’ll have a cool house once the 100+ temperatures hit.

What’s the moral of the story? Don’t let your AC piss on it’s own electrical panel.

I’m ba-ack!

And just a few days shy of a full month off blogging. Meh, nothing has happened. Unless you count my air conditioner story, or my car problems, or my new job, or Paris going to jail. Okay, I probably won’t write anything on that last one except for the fact that it lifts my spirits to see a privileged fame-whore experience justice like everyone else should. I have also been to several movies in the past month, so expect to see some reviews up in here. Ah, there’s nothing like timely movie reviews, right?

So, if you read from top to bottom, this post is completely extraneous. For those of you that move forward through time, here is the beginning of a veritable flood of posts (plood? floop?) from yours truly.

Adieu, The Office, Adieu

Fare thee well, The Office. I will miss thee ere thine return to mine waves in air yonder season when the very leaves of the trees adorn the ground. ::sniffle::

Fantastic double episode this Thursday. It was a great ending the season. I certainly did not expect the ending.

Nor did I expect Jan turning into a complete basket case.

What I did expect was Michael Scott’s overboard confidence, leading to putting his house on the market (E-bay, no less!) and turning his reigns over to Dwight (could there have been any doubt as to his successor?)

I expected Dwight’s immediate conversion of the office into a tyrannically oppressed dictatorship with a toady of his very own.

I did not expect Stanley’s hilarious reaction to “ShruteBucks” offered by the new regime.

Nor did I expect what happened in/after Jim’s interview.

It was certainly a senses shattering episode! Okay, maybe not so much in the sense shattering department. Still, it had me alternately laughing my arse off and agape at the developments. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty with quotes and everything this time, but I will remark on one particular development.

I am pro-Jim/Karen and have firmly been even after my waffle not too long ago. Pam had her chances and blew them (that’s what she said) twice. Not to mention, any diddling around between Jim and Pam would ruin the sexual chemistry and kill that aspect of the show. I’m beating a dead horse here, but I don’t think Jim and Pam should get together for the sake of the show. The romantic in me disagrees, but I’ve long since learned to stifle his objections with a metaphorical shovel to the head.

On a better romance front, we have developments (and I mean developments) on all three office romances. Michael, like most men, is unable to resist the allure of fresh breastage and hops back into the arms of his damaged goods girlfriend, Jan. Angela rides a wave of euphoria as she imagines the power she will wield through Dwight’s dictatorship. Ryan drops the bomb on Kelly at the end when he reveals, “We’re Done,” (note the capital D, that’s very important,) Kelly’s subsequent outburst, and the slow grin that spreads across Ryan’s face. Is he imagining his freedom from Kelly? Is he considering the possibilities now that he will be Michael’s boss? Did he just remember a funny joke Creed told earlier involving a transvestite hooker, a penguin, and fifty bucks?

Wait, that last one didn’t happen on the episode, did it?

Secondary Thoughts on Spider-Man 3 (Or, Only Read This If You Are Bored)

Stacy and I caught Spider-Man 3 again this Monday. Our chiropractor, who is also a friend, and his wife wanted to double, so we agreed to see it again. I went expecting to catch some little things that I missed in the first viewing. I didn’t. Either there really isn’t anything there to catch or I’m too dim-witted to catch (I know at least one reader would agree with the latter, and he’s a bastard.)

So I really don’t have any further thoughts about the movie in particular that I didn’t touch upon in my other post. Instead, I thought I’d examine the various treatments that Spidey’s villains have received. I’ll try to avoid spoilers for anyone that has not seen the third installment yet. (What’s wrong with you?)

First up, is Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin. In the comics, Norman proved himself to be perhaps Spider-Man’s greatest foe. He menaced Peter Parker and his family for years, being one of the select few (in the comics, that is) that knew Peter’s secret identity. Even after he died, his evil influence has colored Spider-Man’s life, the least of which was killing his first love, Gwen Stacy, near the beginning of his crime-fighting career.

How did ole Normie fare in the movies? Not nearly so well. He hits his stride with his unnatural obsession with Peter early on. However, he is killed long before he can truly terrorize Parker or his family and friends. His death does have a lasting impact on the next three movies, so that is something, I guess.

Next up is Otto Octavius, Doctor Octopus. Poor Otto was a socially inept nuclear scientist before the accident that granted him his extra four limbs. He has never really amounted to much in the comics. Sure, he’s been around forever. He’s cropped up in too many Spidey stories to count, but Spider-Man rarely has that much trouble with him. For me, one of Doc Ock’s greatest weaknesses is his motivation, or lack thereof. I’m really not sure what his goal is. He is constantly stealing money, robbing banks, etc., supposedly to pay for more experiments. Why? Purely scientific pursuits? To gain the acceptance of his “peers”? To prove something to himself? It seems like he has hit on all of those and more throughout his career. The lack of a concrete motive weakens the character. For example, in the comics, Green Goblin had his obsession with Parker and Venom has his intense hatred of Parker.

Otto got somewhat better treatment in the movie than comics. He is married, for one thing, and a socially accepted scientist with the respect of his peers. Only after the accident does that go downhill. Even then, Doc Ock redeems himself by the end in a heroic sacrifice to stop the nuclear fusion chain reaction he started. It first occurred to me here that if the creators of the movies continued killing off Spidey’s main villains, he’d have no one left to fight.

Now we have the third (and final?) installment of the movies, with not one, not two, but three super villains for Spider-Man to fight!

Harry Osborn had a cursed life in the comics. His dad was the infamous Green Goblin, which led to Harry’s mental instability. Before that, he was Peter’s best, and at times, only friend. The poor guy eventually cracks and follows in his father’s footsteps. That tragedy of Harry is that he regains his sanity long enough to marry and have a child before the family insanity led him to poison his body with Norman’s Goblin chemical concoction once again. This time proved fatal, even though he had just enough will power to break free to save Peter and MJ.

Does all of that sound familiar? Raimi compressed most of that into Harry’s scenes throughout the three movies. I ain’t speaking about whether Raimi followed the story right to the end. You’ll have to watch the movie to see which way he went with that.

How about Sandman? In the comics, Sandman was just a plain rotten thug. His origin is much as it is presented in the movie, if a little updated for this timeframe. In the comics, Sandman’s thuggish personality was shaped by a bad home life growing up supplemented by hard times. While he did go good for a little while, he later returned to his roots and is still a super powered thug. His motives in the comics don’t really amount to much, but since he has never been presented as anything more than a thug, they really aren’t necessary for a story.

Raimi seems to like people to sympathize with his characters, no matter if they are good or bad. You can’t really sympathize much with the comic’s Sandman, so Raimi added an element of tragedy to the character. Now, he is motivated by his daughter’s illness. A noble cause, if a bit contrived. He is also implicated in a traumatic experience in Peter’s life, that way Spidey has more of a reason to clean his clock than just defeating a criminal. Again, I’m not going to give away what happens to Sandman in the course of the movie. Does he die, does he live? Will Raimi kill off another one of Spidey’s villains? Go watch the movie!

The final villain making the cross is Venom. In the comics, the alien symbiote portion of the villain found Spidey on a different planet. I won’t go into the details here. Spidey enjoys the extra freedom the new suit allows, including the ability to morph into street clothes and unlimited webbing from the tops of his hands rather than refillable web shooters from the bottom of his wrists. He eventually discovers that the suit is a symbiote and not a good one at that. He also discovers, through the aid of Reed Richards of Fantastic Four fame, that the symbiote is susceptible to sonic attack. He rids himself of the suit in a church bell tower, forever earning the alien’s malice. As for the other half of Venom, Eddie Brock, he hated Spider-Man for ruining his journalist career and his home life through the course of Spidey’s heroing. The symbiote found him considering suicide in the very church Spider-Man had rid himself of it. Bonded by their mutual hatred of Spider-Man and having the ability to bypass his spider-sense, Venom went on to become a major villain for the poor web slinger. An uneasy truce was eventually formed between the two until Brock revealed he was dying from cancer and sold the symbiote to the highest bidder. Venom’s current status is another story altogether. Brock, however, is no longer involved.

The cinematic version of Venom follows the comics as close as possible while maintaining the necessary brevity required for the format. Instead of finding the symbiote on another planet, (who wants to deal with the extra footage that would require?) the symbiote falls to the Earth in a meteor shower and hitches a ride home with Parker. Brock is motivated by a hatred of Parker instead of Spider-Man, but for the same general reason. Naturally, we aren’t going to see any truces form in the short amount of time available in a movie, nor are we going to see a slow killer like cancer change Brock’s outlook. However, does Raimi kill Venom in this movie, following in the tradition established by the first two? Go watch the damn movie already and find out for yourself!

Raimi (obviously with the assistance of the screenwriters and other crew) did a decent job of adapting the stories from the comics to the big screen. Most of the changes made to the characters are understandable given the difference between the rich histories established by years of storytelling in the comics and the need to show an engaging piece in a limited amount of time that also appeals to audiences of all types. Those of you that have watched the movies (and suffered through this extremely long post) tell me what you think of Raimi’s treatments of the characters, especially how he left them off at the ends of the movies and the future directions he has available if more movies are made.

I command it!

Will Ferrelly Goodness

Just wanted to drop a couple of Ferrell videos, cuz I love em.


The Landlord


Third Date

Mandatory fun activities. Funtivities!

What can I say about last night’s episode of The Office? I laughed through it all. Here’s a brief synopsis for you. Michael Scott applies for a job at HQ in New York. In order to choose his successor, he holds the Beach Games. The winner will get his job, because naturally he’s a dead lock for the NY job. Hilarity ensues.

Everyone hit their marks throughout the show. Meredith, to show how prepared she was, shows off the bathing suit she wore under her clothes – only she forgot she put it in her purse (Mardi-Gras moment, anyone?)

Stanley shows his enthusiastic side for a few minutes when he realizes he’d rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than anyone else in the office.

Stanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.

Andy shows his outlet for his barely-contained rage after losing one contest.

Andy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! (skips stone on water.)
Mallard: QUACK!

Kelly, the cause of his frustration, shows us just how clueless she is.

Kelly: Who’s Bob Hope?
Michael: God! He’s, he’s a comedian.
Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Michael: Who’s Amanda Bynes?
Kelly: She’s from What A Girl Wants.
Michael: Oh, I love that movie.

Dwight shows his extremely competitive nature.

Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say “sandwich”?
Dwight: No, I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying … sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

Angela shows what a duplicitous b!@#$ she is.

Andy: Go tell them I’m floating away, obviously!
Angela: I don’t understand what you want from me.
Andy: Angela, it’s pretty simple. Look at what I’m doing, and go tell somebody it!
Angela: Sorry! Bye, Andy!
Andy: Angela!

Oscar shows us that he’s still placidly offended by Michael’s constant stereotypical comments.

Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar: I don’t wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael: Well, you can’t swim in leather pants. (Laughs) I’m just yankin’ your chain. Not literally.

Kevin shows his true nature.

Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Pam shows us her meek submissive side. Or does she? More on that later.

Pam: There’s nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh … diligent note-taking.

Jim shows his maddening ability to needle Dwight.

Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight: He who must not be named? I wouldn’t do that.
Jim: Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort …

Poor Toby shows us just how pitiful he is with barely any lines, but the hound dog look he has mastered.

Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory, that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it … then it’ll suck.

Creed shows us his disgusting side (when does he not?) after hand catching a fish and devouring it raw.

Creed: Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!

Michael Scott shows us that he’s just Michael Scott.

Michael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.
Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.
Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he’s classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don’t really trust him.

Karen and Phyllis really didn’t have many lines. They’re there, and that’s about it. Besides, the big news of this episode comes after Pam conjures the courage to walk across burning coals. Since it’s the day after the episode aired and I don’t want to spoil anything for late-comers, I’ll just link to www.officetally.com‘s quote page if you want to read it yourself (thanks, officetally.com!) It’s Pam’s last quote.

Suffice it to say that the Pam/Jim/Karen triangle is about to heat up. I think the finale next week will set the tone for the relationship for the next season if not settle the triangle for good.

Kudos goes to the entire cast as well as director Harold Ramis. I knew Egon would make good! While I gave you plenty of quotes, none of them give away anything vital. If you haven’t watched the episode yet, then get to it! It’s well worth the ½ hour.

Spider-Man 3, Was It Good?

Jon, Stacy, and I went to see Spider-Man 3 Tuesday. Unlike most everyone I have talked to so far, Jon and I liked it (Stacy did not.) The complaints I have heard generally fall into three categories.

1. Three villains and the Parker/Watson romance was too much to fit into one movie.
2. Too much angst and tears from every character
3. The acting was bad

I won’t deny the first claim. The Flint Marko/Sandman sequences were great, especially for Thomas Haden Church’s performance (take that, bad acting claim!) But the long sandman-less portion in the middle made his reappearance feel almost like an afterthought. His struggle to regain form after the accident that grants his powers was especially stirring.

The Venom storyline took the most time to develop as we had to see Peter discover the symbiote, go bananas like Clark Kent on red K, and get rid of the suit as well as Eddie Brock’s rise and fall before inheriting the symbiote and declaring war on Parker. I will say that Tobey Maguire’s red kryptonite scenes were the most entertaining of the movie. Raimi played them for laughs as Peter sauntered through the scense like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. The Pete-Wentz-inspired emo look may have been a bit much, but it got the point across. Still, it showed Maguire’s range to do the two sides of Peter (another nail in the bad acting coffin!)

The Harry/Goblin storyline could have been better. James Franco was pretty bad ass in his bad ass black super gear and his bad ass new glider with his bad ass glowing green sword and his bad ass pumpkin toys. That made the lapse into retardation just sad. I know, Harry wasn’t really mentally challenged after the first battle, but those of you that have seen it have to admit, every time he opened his mouth after that he looked Rachel ReRay. I expected what happened with him by the end because of how closely the Spider-Man movies have mirrored the comics, but I would have rather seen it play out differently. I’m not going to spoil anything for people that haven’t watched it yet, though.

Was it too much in for one movie? Probably. I think Raimi could have done it much more justice by paring out at least one villain. However, for working within the constraints, it was very well played. Besides the lack of Sandman in the middle of the movie, the separate plot-lines were woven together masterfully. This is especially true in the romance between Peter and Mary Jane. It is affected by two of the three villains, so the scenes did more to progress the overall plot than just spotlight their relationship as a fourth cumbersome story.

Naturally, any romance adds a certain amount of angst into the story. However, this is not only the norm for the Peter Parker from the comics, but expected! The only comic with more angst, self doubt, and off-and-on-again romances is X-Men, and they have a much bigger cast to play with. I don’t mind a bit of the weepiness from Parker or Watson. As for Church’s Sandman, that is to be expected as well. His character is a tortured soul, in the wrong place at the wrong time and only trying to do right by the one he cares about. I’d be shocked if that situation didn’t produce a couple of tears from ole’ Sandy. What about Eddie Brock? His life was ruined by Parker, why wouldn’t there be angst? How about Harry? Not only does he believe Peter Parker, his best friend, killed his father, but he goes through a harrowing experience or two as he’s haunted by his father’s ghost and comes to terms with reality. One order of angst with a side of grief, please! If you’ve got a problem with the angst, then you’ve got a problem with the source material. If you’ve got a problem with the source material, why are you watching the movie in the first place?

That leaves bad acting. Well, what are you going to do? This is an ensemble cast, and as all ensembles go, there are weak players and strong players. It generally ends up in a balance. Maguire and Church turn in great performances as the dual nature Parker and the tortured Sandman respectively. Grace had some great lines and you could really feel his character in the Brock scenes. Rosemary Harris is always a joy to watch as Aunt May. J.K. Simmons could play J. Jonah Jameson for the rest of his career and I would happily watch every second. I only noticed two weak links. James Franco’s portrayal of the amnesiac Harry was one. He was great for the rest of his scenes. The other was Kirsten Dunst’s third time as Mary Jane. Dunst is alright. I don’t hate her as much as the writer of What Would Tyler Durden Do does, but I don’t like her that much. She just doesn’t hit on the right chord for a believable MJ. It’s sad, but a simple fact of the Spider-Man movie franchise. She was no worse than in the other two movies. Where does that leave us for acting? More good than bad in my book.

I should note that all this was about performances and story. A huge factor of the Spider-Man movies is the action. What is Spider-Man without someone to fight? He did not disappoint in this movie. The Sandman fights were great as Spidey struggled to adapt to Marko’s powers. Parker’s fights with Harry were fantastic. However, the grand finale battle royale was a sight to behold. CGI or not, the moves were Spider-Man all the way and intensely satisfying.

Spider-Man 3 is a summer blockbuster. It’s not for the Oscars, it’s for the action flick fans, for the comic book fans, and for those who want to escape the drudgery of a superpowerless world. As all three of the above, I was thoroughly entertained.

I give Spider-Man 3 three and a half spider webs on a scale that I just made up that doesn’t mean anything.

I know the crap out of women

Two weeks later and two knee-slapping episodes of The Office have come and gone. Last night’s Beach Games was classic Michael Scott, but first: Women’s Appreciation.

Just the title makes you wince a little knowing Michael Scott’s warped sense of what is appropriate. Even before watching I knew the episode would be rife with off-color comments couched in well-meaning by Michael and unabashed, if unaware, misogyny by Dwight. I wasn’t wrong.

Things start off in their usual way, with Jim tormenting Dwight. This time there’s a twist. Dwight tries to start it, but Jim handily finishes it.

Jim: Oh, what’s this?
Dwight: That is a demerit.
Jim (reading paper): “Jim Halpert, tardiness.” Oh, I love it already.
Dwight: You’ve got to learn, Jim, you’re second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh I understand. And, I also have lots of questions. Like what does a demerit mean?
Dwight: Let’s put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight: Three demerits, and you’ll receive a citation.
Jim: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight: Oh it is serious. Five citations, and you’re looking at a violation. Four of those, and you’ll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you’re looking at a written warning. Two of those, that’ll land you in a world of hurt. In the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight: That is correct.
Jim: Okay, I want a copy on my desk, by the end of the day, or you will receive a full disadulation.
Dwight: What’s a dis … what’s that?
Jim: Oh, you don’t want to know.

After the titles, we find out that a rather unsavory character has exposed himself to Phyllis and no, it wasn’t Creed. In a surprising show of solidarity, the entire office consoles Phyllis. The entire office, that is, except for Michael. In his customary manner of insensitivity, Michael bags on Phyllis for a few minutes to the complete horror and/or disgust of the rest of his staff.

Michael: Um … I mean, did he even see Pam? Or, uh, Karen from behind?
Kevin: I’m guessing not.
Michael: Okay, masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus?
Toby: I don’t think laughing about it is an appropriate response.
Michael: Prove it. Let’s see your penis.
Michael: You know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.

What was with the circus comment, anyway? So, to prove he is really a sensitive guy, Michael declares it Women’s Appreciation Day. How to celebrate? Why you take all those of the weaker sex to the place they love best, the mall!

Do they discuss women’s issues at the mall in an open and comfortable manner? No, not really. Although Michael gives it the good old college try.

Michael: Mmm, what is a Pap smear? Or is it “schmear”? Like … the cream cheese.
Pam: Okay, new topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?
Kelly: Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But uh, sometimes awesome.

Things quickly devolve from there as Michael blurts out some very uncomfortable comments about his relationship with Jan.

Michael: I like cuddling and spooning, and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Pam: Omigod.
Michael: And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
Karen: That is not healthy behavior.
Michael: No, it’s not that bad. The worst part is, that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.

Wow.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, oops, sorry, wrong show. Meanwhile, back at the office, the guys discover the gleaming mecca that is the women’s bathroom. The spacious lavatory comes replete with lounging sofas and magazines. Why not?

At the mall, Michael is working through his issues with Jan. To thank the girls, Michael magnanimously offers to buy them something, anything. Anything from Victoria’s Secret, that is. For some reason, Angela doesn’t take him up on the offer.

Michael: You don’t want anything? My treat. Some panties or … pick a thong or … G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any, it just, you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.

Once he’s back at the office, Michael decides to deal with the whole Jan thing, with his girl posse to back him up. Unfortunately, she’s not answering her phone. What does Michael do? The classy thing, of course.

Michael (leaving voicemail for Jan): Hey, Jan, it’s me. Michael. I’m just calling to say that I think we need a little break. Permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I wanna remain friends. Or at least, business associates who get along. Oh just so you know, it’s not me, it’s you. Okay, buddy. Somebody just walked in, I have to go. Um, so I’ll talk to you later.

In walks Jan to apologize for an earlier phone call in person, only to receive the message while there. You can guess how that goes.

Not a whole lot happened on the Pam/Jim/Karen front in this episode. Pam shoots Karen a couple of sad looks as the latter picks out some saucy underwear to wear for Jim. Worry not, though. Major developments in the next episode!

This was a good episode, albeit one full of uncomfortable moments. I found myself averting my eyes during the most embarrassing scenes. What's up with that? It's not like anyone I'm watching knows I'm being courteous by not witnessing their shame. I've got issues.

Once again, thanks to www.officetally.com for the excellent quotes! I leave you with Michael Scott’s profound wisdom.

Michael: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. ‘Cause they are un-understandable. There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain. “Michael, how can you appreciate women so much, but also dump one of them?” You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well maybe I learned something from women after all.

Why Audio Books Need Hollywood Casts

I’m listening to Eldest, Christopher Paolini’s sequel to Eragon on audio CD in my car. The same fellow that did the Eragon audio book narrates it. He’s got a British accent, which is usually a pleasure for me to hear. It would be now, if it weren’t for his inane affectations.

I am all for doing voices when narrating books. I do them for my daughters when I read bedtime stories. It’s fun and adds an extra element to the experience. Not so for Gerald Doyle, the narrator of Paolini’s books. This guy ends up sounding like a bad actor experimenting with different voices. His voice for Saphira, the protaginist’s dragon companion sounds like Ludo from Labyrinth. Keep in mind that Saphira is a female dragon voiced by Rachel Weisz in the movie adaptation. He gravels his voice for every dwarf in the story in such a contrived manner that it manages to shatter what little illusion the normal narration manages to create. I don’t even want to start on how annoying it is when he speaks the ridiculous dwarven that Paolini wrote. It’s gotten to the point that I will fast forward rather than hear him slurring out the words like he has a throat full of rocks.

I bring this up as an example of what seems to be a general trend in audio books. A complete disregard for the spirit of the books seems to be the norm in the industry. I have listened to many narrated novelizations during my daily commutes. Some are good, such as every Terry Pratchett novel narrated by Tony Robinson or the Series of Unfortunate Events read by Tim Curry.

That is one that frustrates me to no end. The first few of Lemony Snickett’s books were narrated by one of my favorite actors and voice over artists, the legendary Tim Curry. For some insane reason that totally eludes me and I’m too lazy to research, the Powers That Be decided to let the author of the books narrate the next few. He is horrible. His lispy voice rattles a monotone narrative through his own work as if he could care less if people enjoy the experience. What’s wrong with these people?

The best-case solution would be to hire a real cast of voice talent for every character in the book. I’m not talking about audio book narrators either, they generally suck. I guess you can’t expect much from a group of people that can’t hack it in the world of television and movie voice acting. I mean real voice-over talent, preferably with some star power. The talents and skills that make a good actor easily extend into voice-over work. Granted, hiring big-name talent, especially a whole cast, is not a very practical solution. Even a single actor worth the title narrating a book would be better than most of the narrators I have heard. At the very least, audio book companies could dip into the huge talent pool of standard voice actors that do cartoons and other popular media work. Even the standard Saturday morning voices are miles above most of the audio book narrators in the scale of talent and skill.

So there. You heard me, audio book industry! Now go forth and do my bidding! Fire the worthless hacks and get some real talent to read the books! Now, for my next trick, I will force comic book editors to maintain continuity across the board.

Insert Lame Pun Featuring the Word "Next" Here

Stacy and I decided to catch a movie last night after work. I am so used to seeing matinees and movies on weekdays that I often forget who goes to movies on Friday nights. Chiefly, a bunch of kids. I watched as date after date purchased tickets for Disturbia. Each boy hoping that the scary movie will land him some first or second base action. Man am I glad I don’t have to do that anymore. Speaking of Disturbia, the current viewing sold out as I sat waiting for Stacy. Good thing we were going to see Next instead. I was surprised at the lack of patrons when we entered the theater. I’m thinking that Disturbia will beat Next in this weekend’s box office fight. Ah well, no biggie.

Next stars Nick Cage as a Las Vegas magician, Cris Johnson (stage name Frank Cadillac,) that just happens to have the ability to see two minutes into the future as long as it involves him. Julianne Moore plays the hard-ass FBI agent, Callie Ferris, who somehow knows about this ability (even though Cris keeps it private,) and wants to recruit him to track down a rogue Russian nuclear bomb. Jessica Biel plays Cris’ love interest, Liz, who is the first to break the basic premise of the movie because Cris saw her in his mind days in advance of meeting her. No real reason to mention anyone else except for Peter Falk, who I thought was dead and coincidentally looks like he’s on his last legs. His part as friend/father/roommate/fence/gay lover, (the movie wasn’t too clear on their relationship,) Irv, was short, but it was good seeing Columbo back on the big screen even for a few moments.

I liked the movie. It was entertaining. It did, however, have plot holes you could drive a truck through. For example, how did the FBI agent know about Cris’s talents and that they were genuine? How did the Russians smuggle a nuclear weapon into the country? Oh, that’s right, they had a friggin’ army on the docks. How did they create a well-armed militia in a Los Angeles dock without anyone noticing? Why did the Russians smuggle a nuclear weapon into the country? Why do they want to detonate it in downtown LA? Isn’t the cold war over? Were they part of a terrorist group of some sort? What was their agenda? How do they know the FBI is after Cris in an effort to foil their plot? Why do they pursue him with a single-mindedness bordering on obsessive when they presumably don’t even know what he can do? Why is Callie such a cold-hearted bitch? (Okay, that’s not a plot hole so much as a complaint about the stereotype the director shoe-horned Moore into.) Lastly, why set up a premise involving a strict time limit on Cris’ prescient ability and then blow it out of the water in the last five minutes of the movie?

The plot holes are really the only complaint I have about the movie. It had some great scenes that kept me engaged the entire time. It wasn’t until I looked back that I thought of the gaps in the story. Cris’ prescience set up some great chase scenes, such as the high-speed drive through the streets of Las Vegas. We get to see Cris demolished by a train in an unsuccessful attempt to cross the tracks, only to pan back to the road where Cris is gunning towards the tracks in reality. This time, he punches the gas harder and makes it by the paint on his bumper. Another thrilling chase scene takes place during a man-made landslide as he evades the FBI. Good stuff right until the end. My favorite scene (besides Jessica Biel dripping wet in a towel,) involved Cris using his power in a way that reminded me much of Jamie Madrox, the Multiple Man of X-Men comics and X-Men: The Last Stand. We get to see him using his ability to choose diverging paths during his two-minute window. The result is 20-30 Nick Cages on screen poking around a deathtrap to find his love. Good stuff.

While not Nick Cage’s (or the supporting cast’s,) best work, this was a solid entry in the otherwise lackluster movie releases of the past couple of weeks. It is also notable that the original story, The Golden Man, was written by Philip K. Dick, author of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (Blade Runner) among other Hollywood-adapted stories.

I give Next two and a half fortune cookies on a scale that I just made up that doesn’t mean anything.

May I Point Out That the Sex Appeared To Be Consensual; Both Animals Were Smiling

Another fine episode of The Office aired this week. So many great lines, so little desire to turn this blog into a mirror of officetally.com. Still, I must share some. For example, this episode featured perhaps the most entertaining prank Jim has played on Dwight yet. First, the setup: Jim walks in to the Office carrying wearing a yellow shirt and a bad tie with his hair combed just like Dwight’s. Then, after sitting down stiffly, he squints at his screen and pulls out a large pair of glasses, just like Dwight’s.

Jim: Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question …
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought …
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

The hilarity of the episode could have ended there and I would have still reached my quota of laughs, but no, things went further.

It seems that our favorite amoral skeeve, Creed, failed to fulfill his duties as quality control and let slip a large batch of paper with an unseemly watermark.

Michael: We have a crisis. Apparently a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24-pound cream letter stock. 500 boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan.

There were some great Creed moments, including his horrifying detective work to locate an “escape goat” to his subsequent collection of goodbye money for the hapless employee, which he promptly pocketed, naturally. Ah Creed, you rascal!

Besides Creed’s machinations, we got to see two other stories play out. First, we find that Andy is an unknowing pedophile. Best I don’t spoil that one for those of you that haven’t seen it. Suffice it to say that it involves a two-page ad in the yearbook that says, “Good luck!” and a stirring rendition of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.”

The other plot focuses on Michael Scott’s rapid devolution from a responsible apologist to a ranting quasi-psycho delivering a videotaped ultimatum.

Michael: If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn’t me. They are trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to god, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.
Pam: One day for what?
Michael: That’s — they always give an ultimatum.

Kelly also had her brief time in the sunshine as Michael assigned the accounting staff to her department, customer service. If you know Kelly from this season, then you know how the training session with Kevin, Oscar, and Angela went.

Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly: Okay, Angela. I love your enthusiasm! All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say, “Customer Service, this is Kelly,” except don’t say Kelly. Say your own name. Or if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, (British accent) and I talked like this for the whole conversation.
Kevin: Oooh, can I be … (awkward accent) Australian, mate?
Kelly: Absolutely!
Kevin: ‘ello … mate.
Kelly: I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend.
Kevin: I like ice cream, too, mate. Alli-ga-tors, and dingo babies.

There is a great deleted scene featuring Kelly and Angela up at NBC’s The Office Web site.

No action on the Karen/Jim/Pam front, and that is find by me. The show isn’t about them, after all, not wholly at least. It was nice to see all the interactions between the other characters in the place of more romantic plot development. I’m sure we’ll see things come to a head (that’s what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!) before the end of the season, which is three short weeks away. New episodes right up to the end!

As always, a big thanks to the fine folks at http://www.officetally.com/the-office-product-recall for the excellent work on quotes from the latest episodes!

I Demand a Refund, I Never Met the Robinsons!

As is our wont, Stacy and I decided to take the girls to the latest Disney computer animated movie last week, Meet the Robinsons. The local theaters offered this one in Disney Digital 3D. Scarlett is a bit young to wear the glasses, so we dropped her off at a sitter. I love Scarlett, but it was a whole new experience going to a movie with the girls that are old enough to enjoy it.
I don’t go to these movies expecting to be blown away by their cinematic excellence, thought-provoking scripts, fantastic plots, or even special effect. I usually figure I’ll get a few laughs out of the jokes they put in for the adults and enjoy a night out with the family.

This movie made me cry. I ain’t too proud or ashamed to admit that touching moments in movies get me choked up. You give me a movie about a lonely orphan obsessed with finding his mom who “is the only person who wants me,” and is whisked to the future to meet the perfect family that actually wants him to stay, but then he finds out he is the family patriarch, so he has to go back to his dismal life at the orphanage until he makes his family the old-fashioned way, and I’m going to tear up a bit. Oops, spoiler alert.

Besides the frequent tear-jerking scenes, the movie entertained with plenty of frenetic action and visual gags. Mrs. Robinson’s singing frogs were great. Their leader, Franky, did a perfect impression of Old Blue Eyes right down to the questionable good fellas connection. Of course, there’s the T-Rex scene from the previews, still funny even after the pre-release trailer blitz.

I was surprised to hear Adam West’s voice, but amused to see him as a heroic pizza delivery uncle. I’m a fan of Harland Williams as a comedian, but the visuals of his robot character in the movie were too distracting to find his performance entertaining. The joke of having Cornelius voiced by Tom Selleck would be lost to anyone that hasn’t seen the movie, but it was funny. There were a few other real actors mixed in with the voice over artists, but none that really set themselves apart with fantastic (or dismal) performances.

As far as kids movies go, this was a good one. There is enough humor in it to keep adults interested, not to mention the complex concepts surrounding an orphan story. There is plenty of action, sight gags, and eye candy for the kids, too.

I give this one three out of four bowls of orphan soup on a scale I just made up that doesn’t mean anything.

Can You Ever Truly Be Safe in an Office?

Because of a late bedtime for the girls, Stacy and I got to this week’s installment of The Office a day late, but the time did not diminish the funny. You could almost feel Michael Scott’s feelings of inadequacy as he strived to take center role in Darryl’s warehouse safety training.

Darryl: Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift?
Michael: I can and I have.
Darryl: No no no no no no. I said should you? You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift. You understand?
Lonny: You’re not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl: It’s not safe. You don’t have a license.
Michael: Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge: Madge.
Michael: I thought your name was Pudge.
Madge: No, it’s always been Madge.
Michael: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl: Her. Yes, her is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael: Fine.
Darryl: Do you understand that?
Michael: Yesh.

It made it even funnier when he attempted to prove how dangerous office work was. An ill-advised stray comment from Pam inspires the fearless (and clueless) Michael to demonstrate a suicide attempt from depression. It doesn’t sound funny until you consider his “safety measures”. The first attempt, a trampoline, was nixed when their “test watermelon” proved that bouncing from a trampoline onto Stanley’s car could be messy. I would have loved to see Stanley’s reaction when he saw the melony carnage spattered across his roof. That particular failure led to a great bit with Dwight “unshunning” and “reshunning” Andy repeatedly so he could communicate with the ostracized coworker.

Dwight: I’m temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: Means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Andy: Anything.
Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight: What do you think? You’ve got an hour.
Andy: I’m gonna need petty cash.
Dwight: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

Andy got Michael a moon bounce castle to soften his landing. A moon bounce castle that was at least 20 feet away from the edge of the building. As Jim and Pam took odds on whether this was a serious suicide attempt (10000 to 1 against,) they realized that regardless, Michael Scott was going to kill himself to make a point.

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

I loved seeing the transition from safety training to true suicidal depression as everyone tried to talk Michael down. Not even Jim and Pam could keep straight faces as Darryl lauded Michael for how brave he was for waking up everyday knowing he had to be himself.

Darryl: What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely, Jan, man. It’s goin’ good, right?
Michael: It’s complicated with Jan. And I don’t know where I stand or what I want. The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael: You really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I ain’t that strong and I ain’t that brave.
Michael: I’m braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come on down, okay?
Michael: Okay. Pam, I’m coming down to get my present.

So who is the hero? Michael Scott, of course! Who else could get across the message, which was totally the plan all along, right?

Michael: I saved a life — my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.

As for the Pam/Jim/Karen triangle, I found myself oddly conflicted this week. I have been steadily behind Karen since she hit the scene (if ya know what I mean ::wink::) but this week I seriously considered the Jim/Pam possibilities again. Maybe it was Pam’s participation in the escalating office pools. Ryan winning the bet that Kelly could talk for more than 2 ½ minutes about Netflix was priceless, by the way. Maybe it was Pam actually smiling and having a good time with the gang again. She’s got a great smile. Maybe it was fond memories from seeing her in decidedly less office-style attire in Blades of Glory last week. I don’t know what did it, but I may be back on the fence in the whole triangle debate. I do maintain, however, that no matter what happens with the triangle, Jim and Pam cannot sleep together. That would irrevocably destroy the sexual tension that keeps their onscreen relationship interesting.

Oh, and Nerfy Life would make a great name for a band.

As always, thanks to www.officetally.com for the handy quotes!