The Office Pranks Are Good For the Soul

I'm just a crazy posting fool today. I can't help it, though. This has got to be one of the best compilations on YouTube. For those of you that don't know about the television show, The Office, shame on you. Dwight is the office dweeb/jerk. Jim is his foil. What you see here are a few of the pranks Jim has played on Dwight over the years. Look for comedic gold at 0:47.

Chair Model: A Return to Funny

Last night's episode of The Office was like coming home. We return to the comfortable environs of the Scranton branch and all of the lovable and somewhat hapless employees of Michael Scott. Wait, did I say employees? I meant match-makers. Bereft at the loss of his love life, Michael forces his people to set him up with eligible lady-friends or be fired. Hilarity ensues. No, really, it ensues like crazy.

Imagine, if you will, Pam setting up Michael with her sweet, unsuspecting landlady. Dwight pledging as God as his witness, to not only find a chair model that Michael is smitten with, but bring her back and force her to bear his seed. HIS SEED. Kevin giving the name of his hot and juicy redhead, Wendy (try your best figuring out who that really is.)

We also get a nice romantic bomb dropped on us from one of the subplots. Jam fans should be thrilled with that one.

Here are some great lines from this episode.

Creed (after talking about getting a second chair): Only one to go.

Michael (in sympathy to Kevin's fiance dumping him): You don't deserve her.

Michael (trying to drum up a date from Oscar): Hello Oscar Meyer weiner-lover.

Michael: What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin?

Stanley (on Michael's "love cards"): There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.

Michael: I'm a man of intensity. Of...of...cool. And youth. And...and...passionately.

Andy: Did I do this for me? No. I did this for the little guy. The Joe sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment and wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage that month, wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil, wonders how am I gonna pay my kids orphanage bills? That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

The Office: Dinner Party (A Date with Disappointment?)

Sooooo, we finally got a new episode of The Office Thursday annnnnnnnd, it was kinda disappointing. I expected a lot more from the wizards behind The Office after such a long hiatus.

Quickie summary: Jan and Michael have a few people over for a dinner party. Jan and Michael have a creepy relationship. Jan and Michael make everyone feel really uncomfortable, including the audience. Everyone leaves and their relationships are revealed to be really crappy too, except for Jam who have the only purely amusing scene in the episode.

I think achieving uncomfortable humor successfully is a fine art. One at which The Office generally excels. The show usually hits more often and harder with the funny than a Ben Stiller movie. Perhaps in this one the creepy uncomfortableness was too far out or not far out enough. I just couldn't avoid feeling like one of the people at the dinner party, which would not have been fun at all.

Am I wrong? Was it a great episode? What do you think?

The Office: Local Ad and Branch Wars

I have missed blogging about couple of good episodes of The Office these past two weeks.

First, Local Ad. Thankfully, our friends in Scranton are only on for 1/2 hour starting with this episode. I think the extra time in the first four episodes was a bit too much of a strain. The Office's format just doesn't seem to lend itself well to the hour-long time frame. Let's just say "The Office: The Motion Picture" would not be a great idea. I was happy to see that the return to the 1/2 time slot seemed to compress the funny into a nice little package, long lasting and easy to digest!

The story in brief in case you missed it: Dunder Mifflin Corporate, represented by local intern gone douche, Ryan, sends a creative team to the Scranton branch to shoot a local ad for the branch. Dismayed when he finds that his people only get two or three seconds at the end of a truly cheezrific corporate ad, the ever-creative Michael Scott dismisses the creative team,

"Why don't you come back at never hundred hours."

The train-wreck of a commercial developing throughout the episode seems like it's going to be every bit as bad, or worse, than the corporate ad. Amazingly enough, it isn't that bad.



Even better than the entire plot about the ad is the revelation of Dwight's secret life, Dwight's Second Life. How does this life differ from Dwight's real life? Well, let's see, he looks exactly the same, he sells paper, and oh yeah, he can fly. That's pretty much it. How do we find all of this out? Why, good ole Jim Halpert creates his own Second Life avatar to spy on poor lovelorn Dwight. Jim's avatar somehow ends up being a more depressed statement of Jim's hopes and dreams than Dwights. That's traggicomedy there.

Great episode. Check it out at the full episode archive at NBC. I'm impressed that NBC has offered this. Old Media's reaction to video on the Web has historically been that of an old man protecting his grass, "Get off my lawn, you damn kids!" Here's the link: http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/episodes.shtml

The second episode, Branch Wars, also did not disappoint. Here we have the triumphant return of Karen! Jim's jilted ex is after a different Scrantonite, Stanley. Only not so much for the romance but the paper sales as she is now the Utica branch manager. Michael Scott's reaction? You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Oh Stanley's funny, but not in the Mo' Money way Michael thinks.

Michael and Dwight kidnap Jim to go on the Utica Panty Raid of '07. Good Idea or Great Idea? That's right, great idea. Too bad Jim doesn't think so. I don't know, those warehouse outfits, the obviously fake mustaches, how can they lose? Well, what starts out as a panty raid ends in the copy machine toppling over Michael and Dwight and Jim in Karen's office facing the wrath of a woman scored. I'm going to have to go with Great Idea.

Meanwhile, back at the farm Scranton, the most exclusive club in the branch is beleaguered by the uncultured philistines roaming through the break room. That's right, The Finer Things club, attended by Pam, Oscar, Toby, and the most discriminating taste this side of New Jersey meets in the break room to discuss all things high minded. From Andy's frustrated attempts to get into the club just for the exclusive distinction to Kevin and Phyllis's everyday use of the break room makes for great camidy. Why can't Phyllis use the kitchen microwave to pop her popcorn? "Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn." Genius!

I'm really glad to see The Office back on track. Too bad the hiatus is almost upon us. I'll enjoy them while they last.

The Office: Money; Unimaginative Title Reflecting Creative Slump?

There were a few laughs in last night's episode of The Office, but not as many as I'd expect in a full hour of the show. Instead, it came off as slightly depressing. Women troubles abound from the Dwight, Angela, Andy triangle to the Ryan, Kelly, Darryl triangle. Add on top of that Michael's declaration of bankruptcy,

Michael: I declare bankruuuuptcy!
Oscar: You can't just say the word. That means nothing.
Michael: I didn't just say it, I declared it.

While it was good for some laughs, Michael's money problems turned out to be more sad than funny. Likewise, the Dwight, Angela, Andy triangle had some funny bits, especially on Schrute Farms. Is it just me or is Mose even creepier than we last saw him when Dwight initiated Ryan into the mysteries of salesmanship?

I echo the sentiment of my favorite bwe.tv staffer, Michelle. There is something slightly off about the whole show. I miss Jim and Pam's constant pranks, Michael Scott's oblivious assurance that everything is business as usual, Dwight's overwhelming self-confidence (which we may see return after his little desk clearing scene last night!) Ryan's resigned acceptance of his lot in life, even Andy's barely bottled rage.

I don't know, am I just being nostalgic for the last season or is there really a drop in the quality of the show?

Countdown to the Mouse

Very little of note has happened over the past few days. Let's see, I helped Jon move into his new digs. It's a very nice end unit townhouse with plenty of space. He was mostly moved before I got there, so I just helped with a few odds and ends and his computers. I was rewarded with a meal at Ruby Tuesdays. Damn those Big Mouth Burgers! They challenge me to consume them completely, but why do I feel so hollow inside afterwards? Wait, did I say hollow? I meant full. As in bursting. When am I going to learn my lesson?

The rest of my time has been consumed by a particularly nasty issue at work. Luckily, that's cleared up just in time for me to try to squeeze out my main project under the deadline. I've got to do it under the deadline since the famdamily and I will be in sunny Florida visiting the world that Walt built all next week.

I don't know if this is going to be a yearly thing, but next week will mark our second trip to Disney World in as many years. This year we're going with our good friends Jamie and Casey and their two kids. It should be fun. This time Stacy and I know our way around, what we want to do again, and what we missed last time. Plus, there's much less pressure to get to everything since we've been there already. We're going to have a good time.

So if you don't see any posts for the next week or so, now you know why.

Somewhat Related Department:
The Office returns this week. I'm excited. Check out the clips the BWE blogger extraordinare, Michelle Collins posted:

Checking The Office Season 4 Countdown Clock!
So you may see a post from me after the episode drops.

Adieu, The Office, Adieu

Fare thee well, The Office. I will miss thee ere thine return to mine waves in air yonder season when the very leaves of the trees adorn the ground. ::sniffle::

Fantastic double episode this Thursday. It was a great ending the season. I certainly did not expect the ending.

Nor did I expect Jan turning into a complete basket case.

What I did expect was Michael Scott’s overboard confidence, leading to putting his house on the market (E-bay, no less!) and turning his reigns over to Dwight (could there have been any doubt as to his successor?)

I expected Dwight’s immediate conversion of the office into a tyrannically oppressed dictatorship with a toady of his very own.

I did not expect Stanley’s hilarious reaction to “ShruteBucks” offered by the new regime.

Nor did I expect what happened in/after Jim’s interview.

It was certainly a senses shattering episode! Okay, maybe not so much in the sense shattering department. Still, it had me alternately laughing my arse off and agape at the developments. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty with quotes and everything this time, but I will remark on one particular development.

I am pro-Jim/Karen and have firmly been even after my waffle not too long ago. Pam had her chances and blew them (that’s what she said) twice. Not to mention, any diddling around between Jim and Pam would ruin the sexual chemistry and kill that aspect of the show. I’m beating a dead horse here, but I don’t think Jim and Pam should get together for the sake of the show. The romantic in me disagrees, but I’ve long since learned to stifle his objections with a metaphorical shovel to the head.

On a better romance front, we have developments (and I mean developments) on all three office romances. Michael, like most men, is unable to resist the allure of fresh breastage and hops back into the arms of his damaged goods girlfriend, Jan. Angela rides a wave of euphoria as she imagines the power she will wield through Dwight’s dictatorship. Ryan drops the bomb on Kelly at the end when he reveals, “We’re Done,” (note the capital D, that’s very important,) Kelly’s subsequent outburst, and the slow grin that spreads across Ryan’s face. Is he imagining his freedom from Kelly? Is he considering the possibilities now that he will be Michael’s boss? Did he just remember a funny joke Creed told earlier involving a transvestite hooker, a penguin, and fifty bucks?

Wait, that last one didn’t happen on the episode, did it?

Mandatory fun activities. Funtivities!

What can I say about last night’s episode of The Office? I laughed through it all. Here’s a brief synopsis for you. Michael Scott applies for a job at HQ in New York. In order to choose his successor, he holds the Beach Games. The winner will get his job, because naturally he’s a dead lock for the NY job. Hilarity ensues.

Everyone hit their marks throughout the show. Meredith, to show how prepared she was, shows off the bathing suit she wore under her clothes – only she forgot she put it in her purse (Mardi-Gras moment, anyone?)

Stanley shows his enthusiastic side for a few minutes when he realizes he’d rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than anyone else in the office.

Stanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.

Andy shows his outlet for his barely-contained rage after losing one contest.

Andy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! (skips stone on water.)
Mallard: QUACK!

Kelly, the cause of his frustration, shows us just how clueless she is.

Kelly: Who’s Bob Hope?
Michael: God! He’s, he’s a comedian.
Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Michael: Who’s Amanda Bynes?
Kelly: She’s from What A Girl Wants.
Michael: Oh, I love that movie.

Dwight shows his extremely competitive nature.

Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say “sandwich”?
Dwight: No, I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying … sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

Angela shows what a duplicitous b!@#$ she is.

Andy: Go tell them I’m floating away, obviously!
Angela: I don’t understand what you want from me.
Andy: Angela, it’s pretty simple. Look at what I’m doing, and go tell somebody it!
Angela: Sorry! Bye, Andy!
Andy: Angela!

Oscar shows us that he’s still placidly offended by Michael’s constant stereotypical comments.

Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar: I don’t wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael: Well, you can’t swim in leather pants. (Laughs) I’m just yankin’ your chain. Not literally.

Kevin shows his true nature.

Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Pam shows us her meek submissive side. Or does she? More on that later.

Pam: There’s nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh … diligent note-taking.

Jim shows his maddening ability to needle Dwight.

Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight: He who must not be named? I wouldn’t do that.
Jim: Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort …

Poor Toby shows us just how pitiful he is with barely any lines, but the hound dog look he has mastered.

Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory, that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it … then it’ll suck.

Creed shows us his disgusting side (when does he not?) after hand catching a fish and devouring it raw.

Creed: Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!

Michael Scott shows us that he’s just Michael Scott.

Michael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.
Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.
Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he’s classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don’t really trust him.

Karen and Phyllis really didn’t have many lines. They’re there, and that’s about it. Besides, the big news of this episode comes after Pam conjures the courage to walk across burning coals. Since it’s the day after the episode aired and I don’t want to spoil anything for late-comers, I’ll just link to www.officetally.com‘s quote page if you want to read it yourself (thanks, officetally.com!) It’s Pam’s last quote.

Suffice it to say that the Pam/Jim/Karen triangle is about to heat up. I think the finale next week will set the tone for the relationship for the next season if not settle the triangle for good.

Kudos goes to the entire cast as well as director Harold Ramis. I knew Egon would make good! While I gave you plenty of quotes, none of them give away anything vital. If you haven’t watched the episode yet, then get to it! It’s well worth the ½ hour.

I know the crap out of women

Two weeks later and two knee-slapping episodes of The Office have come and gone. Last night’s Beach Games was classic Michael Scott, but first: Women’s Appreciation.

Just the title makes you wince a little knowing Michael Scott’s warped sense of what is appropriate. Even before watching I knew the episode would be rife with off-color comments couched in well-meaning by Michael and unabashed, if unaware, misogyny by Dwight. I wasn’t wrong.

Things start off in their usual way, with Jim tormenting Dwight. This time there’s a twist. Dwight tries to start it, but Jim handily finishes it.

Jim: Oh, what’s this?
Dwight: That is a demerit.
Jim (reading paper): “Jim Halpert, tardiness.” Oh, I love it already.
Dwight: You’ve got to learn, Jim, you’re second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh I understand. And, I also have lots of questions. Like what does a demerit mean?
Dwight: Let’s put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight: Three demerits, and you’ll receive a citation.
Jim: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight: Oh it is serious. Five citations, and you’re looking at a violation. Four of those, and you’ll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you’re looking at a written warning. Two of those, that’ll land you in a world of hurt. In the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight: That is correct.
Jim: Okay, I want a copy on my desk, by the end of the day, or you will receive a full disadulation.
Dwight: What’s a dis … what’s that?
Jim: Oh, you don’t want to know.

After the titles, we find out that a rather unsavory character has exposed himself to Phyllis and no, it wasn’t Creed. In a surprising show of solidarity, the entire office consoles Phyllis. The entire office, that is, except for Michael. In his customary manner of insensitivity, Michael bags on Phyllis for a few minutes to the complete horror and/or disgust of the rest of his staff.

Michael: Um … I mean, did he even see Pam? Or, uh, Karen from behind?
Kevin: I’m guessing not.
Michael: Okay, masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus?
Toby: I don’t think laughing about it is an appropriate response.
Michael: Prove it. Let’s see your penis.
Michael: You know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.

What was with the circus comment, anyway? So, to prove he is really a sensitive guy, Michael declares it Women’s Appreciation Day. How to celebrate? Why you take all those of the weaker sex to the place they love best, the mall!

Do they discuss women’s issues at the mall in an open and comfortable manner? No, not really. Although Michael gives it the good old college try.

Michael: Mmm, what is a Pap smear? Or is it “schmear”? Like … the cream cheese.
Pam: Okay, new topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?
Kelly: Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But uh, sometimes awesome.

Things quickly devolve from there as Michael blurts out some very uncomfortable comments about his relationship with Jan.

Michael: I like cuddling and spooning, and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Pam: Omigod.
Michael: And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
Karen: That is not healthy behavior.
Michael: No, it’s not that bad. The worst part is, that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.

Wow.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, oops, sorry, wrong show. Meanwhile, back at the office, the guys discover the gleaming mecca that is the women’s bathroom. The spacious lavatory comes replete with lounging sofas and magazines. Why not?

At the mall, Michael is working through his issues with Jan. To thank the girls, Michael magnanimously offers to buy them something, anything. Anything from Victoria’s Secret, that is. For some reason, Angela doesn’t take him up on the offer.

Michael: You don’t want anything? My treat. Some panties or … pick a thong or … G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any, it just, you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.

Once he’s back at the office, Michael decides to deal with the whole Jan thing, with his girl posse to back him up. Unfortunately, she’s not answering her phone. What does Michael do? The classy thing, of course.

Michael (leaving voicemail for Jan): Hey, Jan, it’s me. Michael. I’m just calling to say that I think we need a little break. Permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I wanna remain friends. Or at least, business associates who get along. Oh just so you know, it’s not me, it’s you. Okay, buddy. Somebody just walked in, I have to go. Um, so I’ll talk to you later.

In walks Jan to apologize for an earlier phone call in person, only to receive the message while there. You can guess how that goes.

Not a whole lot happened on the Pam/Jim/Karen front in this episode. Pam shoots Karen a couple of sad looks as the latter picks out some saucy underwear to wear for Jim. Worry not, though. Major developments in the next episode!

This was a good episode, albeit one full of uncomfortable moments. I found myself averting my eyes during the most embarrassing scenes. What's up with that? It's not like anyone I'm watching knows I'm being courteous by not witnessing their shame. I've got issues.

Once again, thanks to www.officetally.com for the excellent quotes! I leave you with Michael Scott’s profound wisdom.

Michael: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. ‘Cause they are un-understandable. There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain. “Michael, how can you appreciate women so much, but also dump one of them?” You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well maybe I learned something from women after all.

May I Point Out That the Sex Appeared To Be Consensual; Both Animals Were Smiling

Another fine episode of The Office aired this week. So many great lines, so little desire to turn this blog into a mirror of officetally.com. Still, I must share some. For example, this episode featured perhaps the most entertaining prank Jim has played on Dwight yet. First, the setup: Jim walks in to the Office carrying wearing a yellow shirt and a bad tie with his hair combed just like Dwight’s. Then, after sitting down stiffly, he squints at his screen and pulls out a large pair of glasses, just like Dwight’s.

Jim: Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question …
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought …
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

The hilarity of the episode could have ended there and I would have still reached my quota of laughs, but no, things went further.

It seems that our favorite amoral skeeve, Creed, failed to fulfill his duties as quality control and let slip a large batch of paper with an unseemly watermark.

Michael: We have a crisis. Apparently a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24-pound cream letter stock. 500 boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan.

There were some great Creed moments, including his horrifying detective work to locate an “escape goat” to his subsequent collection of goodbye money for the hapless employee, which he promptly pocketed, naturally. Ah Creed, you rascal!

Besides Creed’s machinations, we got to see two other stories play out. First, we find that Andy is an unknowing pedophile. Best I don’t spoil that one for those of you that haven’t seen it. Suffice it to say that it involves a two-page ad in the yearbook that says, “Good luck!” and a stirring rendition of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.”

The other plot focuses on Michael Scott’s rapid devolution from a responsible apologist to a ranting quasi-psycho delivering a videotaped ultimatum.

Michael: If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn’t me. They are trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to god, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.
Pam: One day for what?
Michael: That’s — they always give an ultimatum.

Kelly also had her brief time in the sunshine as Michael assigned the accounting staff to her department, customer service. If you know Kelly from this season, then you know how the training session with Kevin, Oscar, and Angela went.

Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly: Okay, Angela. I love your enthusiasm! All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say, “Customer Service, this is Kelly,” except don’t say Kelly. Say your own name. Or if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, (British accent) and I talked like this for the whole conversation.
Kevin: Oooh, can I be … (awkward accent) Australian, mate?
Kelly: Absolutely!
Kevin: ‘ello … mate.
Kelly: I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend.
Kevin: I like ice cream, too, mate. Alli-ga-tors, and dingo babies.

There is a great deleted scene featuring Kelly and Angela up at NBC’s The Office Web site.

No action on the Karen/Jim/Pam front, and that is find by me. The show isn’t about them, after all, not wholly at least. It was nice to see all the interactions between the other characters in the place of more romantic plot development. I’m sure we’ll see things come to a head (that’s what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!) before the end of the season, which is three short weeks away. New episodes right up to the end!

As always, a big thanks to the fine folks at http://www.officetally.com/the-office-product-recall for the excellent work on quotes from the latest episodes!

Can You Ever Truly Be Safe in an Office?

Because of a late bedtime for the girls, Stacy and I got to this week’s installment of The Office a day late, but the time did not diminish the funny. You could almost feel Michael Scott’s feelings of inadequacy as he strived to take center role in Darryl’s warehouse safety training.

Darryl: Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift?
Michael: I can and I have.
Darryl: No no no no no no. I said should you? You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift. You understand?
Lonny: You’re not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl: It’s not safe. You don’t have a license.
Michael: Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge: Madge.
Michael: I thought your name was Pudge.
Madge: No, it’s always been Madge.
Michael: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl: Her. Yes, her is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael: Fine.
Darryl: Do you understand that?
Michael: Yesh.

It made it even funnier when he attempted to prove how dangerous office work was. An ill-advised stray comment from Pam inspires the fearless (and clueless) Michael to demonstrate a suicide attempt from depression. It doesn’t sound funny until you consider his “safety measures”. The first attempt, a trampoline, was nixed when their “test watermelon” proved that bouncing from a trampoline onto Stanley’s car could be messy. I would have loved to see Stanley’s reaction when he saw the melony carnage spattered across his roof. That particular failure led to a great bit with Dwight “unshunning” and “reshunning” Andy repeatedly so he could communicate with the ostracized coworker.

Dwight: I’m temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: Means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Andy: Anything.
Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight: What do you think? You’ve got an hour.
Andy: I’m gonna need petty cash.
Dwight: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

Andy got Michael a moon bounce castle to soften his landing. A moon bounce castle that was at least 20 feet away from the edge of the building. As Jim and Pam took odds on whether this was a serious suicide attempt (10000 to 1 against,) they realized that regardless, Michael Scott was going to kill himself to make a point.

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

I loved seeing the transition from safety training to true suicidal depression as everyone tried to talk Michael down. Not even Jim and Pam could keep straight faces as Darryl lauded Michael for how brave he was for waking up everyday knowing he had to be himself.

Darryl: What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely, Jan, man. It’s goin’ good, right?
Michael: It’s complicated with Jan. And I don’t know where I stand or what I want. The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael: You really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I ain’t that strong and I ain’t that brave.
Michael: I’m braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come on down, okay?
Michael: Okay. Pam, I’m coming down to get my present.

So who is the hero? Michael Scott, of course! Who else could get across the message, which was totally the plan all along, right?

Michael: I saved a life — my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.

As for the Pam/Jim/Karen triangle, I found myself oddly conflicted this week. I have been steadily behind Karen since she hit the scene (if ya know what I mean ::wink::) but this week I seriously considered the Jim/Pam possibilities again. Maybe it was Pam’s participation in the escalating office pools. Ryan winning the bet that Kelly could talk for more than 2 ½ minutes about Netflix was priceless, by the way. Maybe it was Pam actually smiling and having a good time with the gang again. She’s got a great smile. Maybe it was fond memories from seeing her in decidedly less office-style attire in Blades of Glory last week. I don’t know what did it, but I may be back on the fence in the whole triangle debate. I do maintain, however, that no matter what happens with the triangle, Jim and Pam cannot sleep together. That would irrevocably destroy the sexual tension that keeps their onscreen relationship interesting.

Oh, and Nerfy Life would make a great name for a band.

As always, thanks to www.officetally.com for the handy quotes!

The Office Moral: Use Mace Wisely

Ah, The Office, how do I love thee? In private, where no one can see my sick perversions. No, not really in private, Stacy and I do it together. Yeah, you read me right, together.

How many times can I say that the latest episode was comic genius? At least one more, because I’m saying it now. Everything from Dwight’s office arsenal to Michael Scott’s cross-dressing had me laughing until my sides hurt. I loved Angela’s promptings for every variation of the story of Dwight’s heroism and Dwight’s refusal of any accolade.

Dwight: No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

We were surprisingly light on Jimisms in this episode, but it didn’t detract. Kelly and Ryan made up for it in spades.

Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don’t you see why that’s insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I’m crazy now?

I still feel bad for Jan every time she and Michael Scott interact in front of others, but hey, she’s brought it on herself, right?

Jan: Are you going to take care of this?
Michael: Yeppers.
Jan: What did I tell you about “yeppers”?
Michael: I don’t remember.
Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Michael: Ye–sh.

A few small moments showed the creators’ attention to detail that I really enjoyed. For instance, in the last episode we saw Oscar and Angela make a small connection in their common dislike of the bar. In this episode, we saw a further development of that relationship when Roy comes in for his final paycheck. While it’s Angela that has to hand the paycheck to Roy, it’s Oscar who stands between them protectively. It was sweet.

I don’t see things working out between Jim and Pam anytime soon with the latest brouhaha, which I consider a boon to the show. I’ve said it before and I maintain that to have them hook up would be jumping the shark. Just like Sam and Diane lost all their chemistry and sexual tension after they slept together, so would Jim and Pam. The show would certainly suffer for it. I do miss the sly glances at each other from the first two seasons as well as the conspiratorial meetings, but those days are gone as well. Still, The Office has yet to disappoint me, so I’m onboard for wherever they decide to take me next.

I’ll leave you with one final quote from the end of the show. As always, I give a big “Thank you!” to http://www.officetally.com/ for the handy quotes. Check out the site for a preview of next week’s episode!

Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell — on time. Now I’m back, got a second chance, and I’m not going to blow it. So look out, Dunder Mifflin! I mean “look out” in a fun way. You know, not like, “I’m going to hurt you.”

Oh, and by the way, Final Paycheck would be a great name for a rock band.

Cocktails OR JJ Abrams Takes It Up a Notch

Last night’s episode of The Office delivered up its usual share of hilarity, but it ratcheted up the awkward level quite a few notches above the norm. Michael Scott’s diarrhea of the mouth was certainly not limited to him blurting out “Jan and I are lovers,” to the Dunder-Mifflin CFO hosting the party.

For those of you that haven’t seen the episode yet (shame on you): SPOILER ALERT!

Yes, it’s true, the Awkwardness™ passed from character to character like a baton at the relay race in the Socially Retarded Olympics. Dwight and Michael traded it a couple of times:

Dwight: What’s the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight, that’s not appropriate.
David: I don’t know.
Dwight: It’s a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?

Jim grew more and more awkward as he found that his girlfriend had “relations” with just about every guy at the party.

What? Karen’s a ho?

Nah, she just punk’d Jim so bad he didn’t even see it coming.

On the other side of town, at the bar, new heights of uncomfortable were reached by the whole gang. Creed, who is never awkward cause he’s Creed, reveals that he runs a fake ID business out of his car with a laminating machine he stole from the Sheriff’s office. Dang, he must carry a wheelbarrow with him everywhere he goes. Toby spends the entire evening winning a stuffed animal from the resident Evil Claw Machine™ for Pam only to have her rebuff his attempt at romantic generosity by reminding him that his daughter would like it, oh, and where was he all evening? She really wanted to hang out with him.

Nowhere was the unease more apparent than when Pam bared her horrible secret about Jim’s kiss to her on-again boyfriend Roy. The episode, directed famed Lost and Alias producer, J. J. Abrams, ended on a sincerely sinister note with Roy vowing to kill Jim Halpert after demolishing the bar with his drunk brother.

Yeah, kill.

So there you have it. While it was a hilarious episode, even in the Awkwardness™:

Dwight: Oh good, your up. Who makes this chair?
9-year-old Startled Awake: I don’t know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight: I want one. Really good solid construction. It’s comfortable. What is this? Oak?
9-year-old Obviously in Shock that a Stranger is in His Rocking Chair in the Middle of the Night: I don’t know.
Dwight: What do you know?

It ended on a decidedly creepy note. Pam and Roy are obviously through, this time for good, I’m thinking. Pammie’s newfound resolve to get what she wants may prove an interesting plot driver. Jim and Karen are still cute together and should stay that way. Michael’s retardation is stymieing Jan’s search for the forbidden high. Dwight is Dwight and I wouldn’t have him any other way. And Dunder-Mifflin soldiers on.

Oh, and thanks again to www.officetally.com for the quotes from this episode. Those cats are quick!

One Wedding and a Vampire

NBC has aired two episodes of The Office since last I blogged about the best half hour of comedy on television. In that time, Michael Scott sank to new levels of social retardation, Jim has pulled even more elaborate pranks on Dwight than before, and everyone else in the office has had a share of embarrassing moments.

Pam and Roy Phyllis and Vance of Vance Refrigeration’s wedding was a smashing success. If by success I mean that Michael horrifies the bride, offends the groom, and embarrasses his employees, a poor uncle with dementia and Michael Scott (not the same person) were thrown out, and Pam watches her wedding dream pass before her eyes, then yes, it was a smashing success!

A couple people have pointed out to me that Michael’s latest forays into public humiliation have been a little over the top. I don’t think so. Look at the poor blighter’s history. He peed all over himself and threw the rings in a queen-sized hissy fit at his mom’s wedding. I think everyone was fortunate that Mr. Scott didn’t piddle himself as Phyllis’s dad did the miracle walk down the aisle.

As funny as the wedding scenes were, the highlight of the show for me was Jim’s Pavlovian experiment with Dwight. The entire sequence took place during the opening scene and consisted of Jim triggering the error chime on his computer and then offering Dwight a mint. By the end of the scene, Jim had triggered the chime and watched in amusement as Dwight held out his hand for the mint, only to become baffled when Jim asked him what he was doing.

“I don’t know, my mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. ::smack:: ::smack:: ::smack::”

Classic Jim!

His wedding crasher prank was amusing, but it did result in poor Uncle Al’s expulsion and Michael Scott’s redemption, so it was more of an intricate plot device than anything. Was anyone else creeped out by how quickly Pam got back with Roy?

The next episode will forever be known to me as “The Joss Whedon Episode” simply for the fact that Joss Whedon didn’t think it should be known as that and I’m a contrary @$%&. In “The Joss Whedon Episode” Dwight discovers that the office is the current home of a deadly vampire bat! Naturally, there is no reason to assume it’s a vampire bat until Jim shows signs of vampirism after a bite that mysteriously disappears.

As Jon pointed out, what truly drives the funny is Jim’s steadily worsening symptoms and Karen’s wooden delivery of her lines.

“Tch! Ow! That bread is white hot!”

“But Jim. This. Garlic bread. Is cold.”

By the end, Dwight is so convinced that Jim has fallen to the Powers of Dark that he has armed himself with a Creed-manufactured wooden stake.

God speed, Jim, God speed.

I Am 99% Sure That Is Not The Real Benjamin Franklin

If you missed The Office yesterday, don’t read this post, if you didn’t, then you already know that it was, in fact, not Benjamin Franklin.

Last Night’s episode, Ben Franklin, was more comedic gold from the cast and creators of my favorite comedy. Let’s break it down, medium style.

Phyllis’ upcoming nuptials prompt an all-girl shower in the office while the guys get a GAI (Guy’s Afternoon In, totally not gay) in the warehouse. That’s an all male shower, of course, which is totally not gay.

I was going to give a blow-by-blow of the episode, but chances are you’ve seen it or don’t care, so I’ll skip that. I’m just going to give some highlights of my favorite lines, courtesy of the fine people at www.officetally.com.

Michael: I am instituting primae noctis.
Jim: Primae noctis, I believe from the movie, Braveheart, and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So …
Michael: I’m sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what primae noctis meant.

Michael: Okay, coed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: Shut up, Angela!

Michael: Guys! Beef. It’s what’s for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then my man meat he shall have.

Ben Franklin: You know, I invented electricity.
Pam: I know.
Ben Franklin: Well, I’m sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn’t Ben Franklin have syphilis?

Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question? About women? Um … should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: Secret secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone.
Michael: Wow. Thank you.

Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper? Gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president but someone like Elizabeth can’t.

Dwight: I don’t care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

An Asian Hooters Christmas

There is a chance that my one reader has not seen the episode yet, but I've got to blog about the last installment of The Office before my memories of it fall into one of the oubliettes of my mind, forever lost. Needless to say, but I'm going to say it anyway, there are spoilers below. You've been warned.

Holy !$#%^ crap, that episode was hilarious.

Longtime fans of the show will agree that Creed doesn't get enough airtime, but we were treated with another glimpse into his creepy life in the beginning of this episode. Creed saunters in, sees the Toys For Tots box, peruses casually, and just as casually tucks a toy under his arm. Considering he has no kids, I don't want to know why he's taking the toy. When told that he's supposed to put toys in the box, he merely replies with, "And a Merry Christmas to you, too!" and continues sauntering to his desk. Creed rocks.

Meredith is another Office B-Lister. The red-headed alcoholic has more clips in the deleted scenes than any other B-Lister I've seen, and she's usually very funny. The editors kept a few of her scenes this time, and she didn't disappoint. When offered a margarita at Karen and Pam's (more on that most awesome of pairings later) much funner party, she politely refuses with, "No, they're too sweet," and proceeds to walk off with an entire bottle of vodka and a determined look in her eye.

Just like Michelle, I gave a little shout when I saw Oscar make his abortive return to the staff of Dunder-Mifflin. I hope this means we'll see him as a regular when the show comes off the Winter hiatus. Oscar's reactions to the crap that goes on at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton are priceless.

Continuing on in the B-List vein, let's look at Kevin. The poor man's quandary about whether to attend Angela's party or not could be boiled down to a hilarious pro and con. He sat there in the confessional weighing his love for double fudge brownies on one hand against his distaste for Angela on the other. You could really tell that he was hard-pressed, too. If you blinked, you probably missed his graceful exit from Angela's soiree as someone left the door open too long. Brownies in hand, he joined the festivities of the Karen/Pam party.

Speaking of Angela, was she in rare form that night! My jaw dropped almost as far as Karen's as she delivered a scathing dressing down and summarily dismissed the latter from the party-planning commission. A brilliant, but sadly deleted scene, even shows us Angela getting physical with poor, depressing Toby, and not in the good way. At least Her Vileness got a write up for it. The softer side of Angela actually came one step closer to making its appearance in the office when she and Dwight K. Schrute shared a surreptious handholding moment. Awwwww.

Toby and Stanley had a couple of good lines while I can't recall Ryan or Kelly doing anything really memorable. The A-Listers, however, had some truly great moments.

First, the inevitable love triangle, Karpim, er, Jaram, no, Pimen, um, Kkkkkk-Jam, screw it, Karen/Jim/Pam. I'll admit that I'm on Team Karen, doomed though I know it to be. Jim even confirmed that Karen is a rebound from his fruitless attempts to get with Pam in season 2. I understand Jim and Pam have a history and they share in little moments, but Karen is cuter, geeky in a good way, and makes no attempt to hide her interest in Jim. Pam, on the other hand, obviously doesn't know what she wants with her friendly chats with Roy and her frequent attempts to buddy around with Jim. You can't have it both ways, Pam. I'll just leave that relationship with the bittersweet montage of Karen/Jim moments playing in my mind.

Starting at the top of the list, the big kahuna, the best boss in the world, Mr. Scott-o! Speaking of inevitable love triangles, Michael's has now been broken on both sides. Not since Randy had a mariachi player follow him around with the Spanish version of Time After Time on My Name is Earl has a breakup been so entertaining. Granted, that was just a week ago, but still. In order to cheer him up, perrenial suckup Andy invites Michael to Benihana, which shall forever more be known as Asian Hooters. Of course, Michael needs his entourage, bros before hos, after all. So Michael, Andy, Dwight, and a reluctant Jim file out of the office for some male bonding. The funniest bit of the Asian Hooters scenes was Jim falling back into old habits as he explained to Dwight, who had to sit apart from the bros due to a hapless couple's unfortunate seating choice, that the conversation between Michael and the cute Asian waitress was about her difficulty killing and skinning a goose. Of course, ever the helpful know-it-all, Dwight launches into the proper procedure at full volume over the heads of his unfortunate table mates and to the horrified dismay of the waitress. We know that Dwight K. Schrute is an expert in this as he performed the service just that morning on the Christmas Miracle Goose he hit on the way into work.

Meanwhile, Pam felt guilty about not standing up for Karen in the party planning meeting. Since she has no outward reason to dislike Karen, she decides to try to be her friend. Before his trip to Asian Hooters, you can see that Jim is decidedly uncomfortable with the two girls giggling and plotting in the corner. Turns out that he has nothing to worry about yet, as their plotting involves creating the Committee for Party Planning in direct opposition to Angela's Iron Fist Party Planning Committee. Further, their party will start 15 minutes before Angela's and will include margaritas and karaoke! I have to admit that I was smirking right alongside the girls as they shoved their party announcement into Angela's mortified gob. I believe that the Karen/Pam team may be a force to be reckoned with.

To prove that they are gracious in victory, Karen and Pam invite Angela to combine parties once they have succeeded in luring over almost every one of Angela's partygoers. In one last show of her innate snarkiness, Angela reveals that she was the culprit in the Mystery of the Missing Karaoke Machine Power Cord. Even she got her swerve on in the karaoke singing with a stirring rendition of Little Drummer Boy with Dwight's vox drum accompaniment.

Poor Michael Scott experiences heartache once more as his Asian Hooters date decides to split with his bicycle and turns down his invitation to Jamaica's hottest all-inclusive resort. Here is where we get to see Jim wax on about rebounds and the power of that first, true love. Ah, Karen/Jim, we barely knew thee. Mark my words, this is the beginning of the end for them.

Oh, and who was that Michael Scott convinced to go with him to Jamaica on the phone at the end? It couldn't be Jan. She can't be that desperate, can she? I see comedy on the horizon!

Job or No Job

This game show isn’t hosted by Howie Mandel and doesn’t feature a bevy (what a great word, bevy) of beautiful babes, but it’s just as exciting! We’ve been on pins and needles the past few weeks over the 7th annual layoffs at work. Since it is against the very fiber of an executive’s being to reveal layoff plans until the actual day of the beheadings, I didn’t know where I stood until they happened. I still have a job, though, and the layoffs are over and done with.

One of these cases has your job, the rest have crappy severance packages. Are you ready to play Job or No Job?

Or so I thought. It turns out that there is another round coming within the next couple of months. This one has been described as a “bloodletting”. Doesn’t exactly fill me with an overwhelming sense of confidence. In fact, it fills me with an underwhelming sense of dread. To throw another monkey into the barrel that is work life, there was an announcement recently of another department merger. This time, our director is not going to be in charge, though. Since he doesn’t really like that idea, he’s jumping ship to go work with the beautiful people at HQ. Before leaving, he assuaged our concerns about the upcoming bloodletting; supposedly we are safe.

The last few employees huddle under their shields as the bloodletting continues

I have to wonder, though, with new leadership in the form of a VP that knows nothing about how we do things, how can we be assured that the axe won’t fall this way?

Henry had to be let go, cutbacks, you understand.

Speaking of axes, last night’s The Office was excellent. I’m not giving away anything when I say that the announcement of Dunder-Mifflin’s Scranton branch being closed was made last night (it was in the episode promos.) It should also come as no surprise to any regular viewer that Michael Scott and his trusty Assistant to the Regional Manager (Assistant Regional Manager) Dwight Schrute rode off to save the branch. Meanwhile, there was almost unanimous rejoicing among the remaining office workers at the thought of a severance package and end of life as they knew it in the confines of the office. The results of said quest and the twists and turns that the plot takes from there are a surprise that I won’t give away here. Great episode this week. I’m looking forward to the rest of Sweeps Month and the further misadventures of the office staff, whether it’s the one in Scranton or Stamford.

It's round, and it says "to it". It's a round to it, get it? Man, I'm funny!

I finally found a roundtoit and took down our outdoor Halloween decorations after I got home last night. I figured it was a little tacky to have them up a week and a half after the actual holiday. Still, nothing says Thanksgiving like an inflatable madman wielding a knife and circled by bats, right? I actually melted some of the fleece from my sleeve as I tried to fish out the black light we put in our lamp post. You would think the smell of burning fiber would clue me in that the bulb was too hot, wouldn’t you? Well you’d be wrong. I finally ended up unscrewing the bulb with an oven mitt and then dismantling the top portion of the lamp post to dump it out into Stacy’s hands. Now my yard is just another leaf-strewn mudhole. It’s very festive.

Burn cream anyone? Ouch.

Due to a minor mismanagement of funds (read: I spend too much) my payment for my last class at the university was late. The end result is that I have this week off since I couldn’t be scheduled for my next class until I paid for the last one. Since they changed the way classes are scheduled, week-long breaks are few and far between. I usually use this time to catch up on recorded shows and much-neglected video game playing. This week? I can’t think of one productive thing I’ve done, much less unproductive. Maybe that’s just the Alzheimer’s talking.

What was I saying again?