X-Men Origins: Wolverine

A bunch of us caught a Saturday matinee of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I was actually looking forward to this movie more than I thought I would. The trailers looked good and even though I grew out of my Wolverine fanboy stage a long time ago, I still have much love for the scrappy little Canadian.

Like all comic book adaptations of late (minus maybe Watchmen,) the movie does not follow the comic very closely. However, the movie did maintain many of the broad strokes as well as tying in with the other X-Men movies. Leading up the cast, as he should be, was Hugh Jackman. Jackman surprised me in the first X-Men movie as Wolverine, but ever since then I'd be hard pressed to imagine anyone else playing the runt in a live-action movie. However, because I think it'd be funny to see the difference between the live-action characters and their four-color counterparts, I'm going to give you a before/after of each one.


Liev Schreiber plays Wolvie's brother, Victor (the future Sabretooth.) This is one of those partings from the comics that the broad strokes don't cover. It's fine, though. I suppose if I were more of an anal-retentive nerd, I could be offended by the departure from the comics. However, what is true in the comics one day will most likely be ret-conned the next. So, who cares?

As different as these two are, I kinda enjoyed Schreiber's Sabretooth

William Stryker was recast, just as Sabretooth. This time, he's played by Danny Huston. Huston does a fine job. Stryker's not a hard character to understand. Sure, he's tormented a little bit, but other than that, he's your standard devious genocidal maniac.

Stryker the priest, meet Stryker the military man

The Blob has always been a favorite villain of mine. He's never really struck me as all that threatening. Sure, nothing can move the Blob, but he always seems to be taken out quickly by the good guys. It doesn't take Wolverine much time to take out the Blob in the movie either, but Kevin Durand is pretty durn entertaining to watch through the whole thing.

I think they gave the movie version bigger man-tits. Classy.

To the contrary, I have never been fond of Gambit. One of Wolverine's most famous lines is, "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do ain't pretty." Wolvie even gets to feed that line to his girl in the movie. What they don't explain is exactly what that is. Jon often jokes, and I agree with him, that what Wolverine does best is get his butt handed to him by Gambit. And it ain't pretty. Throughout the comics, Wolverine gets thoroughly trounced by the limber-wristed cajun, often while Gambit is vomiting forth "creole wisdom" about why Wolverine keeps losing. Gambit is one of those characters that we're supposed to think is a bad ass simply because we're told he's a bad ass. Gambit is the perfect example of The Wesley for me. Thankfully, he only kicks Wolvie's butt for a little while in the movie and has a relatively small part. Even so, I will probably never like Taylor Kitsch in light of his involvement with the character.

D-bag 1, meet D-bag 2

Ryan Reynolds plays Wade Wilson, a.k.a. Deadpool in the comics. In the movie? Well, I'll just let you watch it yourself and tell me. Reynolds is the perfect choice for W.W. The comic book Deadpool spouts off more quips and one-liners than Spider-man and Reynolds excels at such work. Unfortunately, he has relatively few lines in the movie. There is some confusion as to whether the climactic battle involves Reynold's character or not. You may find the answer to it by watching the short scene in the middle of the credits when you see the movie. You may not, though, since there are two such scenes and only one will play at any showing. Anyone here going to see it more than once to catch the other scene, if you're lucky? Marvel sure hopes so. I'm willing to bet you'll just do like I did and google it.

Ah Wade, we barely knew ye.

Baby Cyclops and Baby Emma Frost had short, but vital roles in the movie. They never meet in such a way in the comics, but like I said, who cares? I dug Tim Pocock Scott Summers. He did a good job and the character was used well. Tahyna Tozzi playing Emma Frost, not so much. She had weird lips and a weirder power. While in the comics, her main mutation is telepathy, her secondary mutation (discovered much later in continuity, again, who cares?) is diamond skin. We get to see that here, but it was an odd choice of implementation. Her skin transforms into a layer of faceted diamonds. Why faceted diamonds? It doesn't make much sense. Uncut diamonds, maybe. I believe in the comic, her entire body transforms into a diamond crystal, which is pretty badass. The faceted diamond look is pretty lame.

Yeah, I would rather have seen the one on the left, too, but that just wasn't in the cards this time.

That did it for the characters I recognized. The rest of the cast was rounded out with lesser known (to me) characters from the books. Some fell in line relatively close with their comic book counterparts, others not so much. John Wraith, played by Will i Am (of Moto Moto fame, natch,) was one such character. Apparently they got the power right, even his history. Ethnicity? Nah. Still, there'd be very little ethnic diversity in this movie if they had stuck with the originals.

Then we have Dominic Monaghan as Bolt. Bolt? Bolt. I never knew the character. After reading up on him online, I don't really care. I'm just glad they didn't go with Beak like I had originally heard. Beak sucks. Bolt was a'ight.

Agent Zero, played by David North, I am a little more familiar with. I never really got into the character, though. I certainly didn't have a problem with North's portrayal. I guess he had the power of shooting really good? I don't know.

Lastly, there was Silver Fox. Oops! I mean, Kayla Silverfox, played by Lynn Collins. I hadn't realized as I watched the movie that Silver Fox in the comics was romantically linked to Wolverine, as Kayla Silverfox is in the movie. She's even involved with him in the same misleading way we see in the movie. It was a nice touch, even if they got her powers and family relationships completely mixed up. I'll say it one last time, though, who cares?

Apparently, Silver Fox joined Hydra. Kayla Silverfox? Not so much.

Now that I've spent the last hour or so whipping up those side-by-sides, I'm going to dutifully gloss over the rest of the movie. The storyline was good. Better than I thought it would be. It had some great doses of clever misdirection and revelations. There was some poignancy, humor, pathos, and excellent action (Wolvie vs. Helicopter, FTW). The why's of Stryker's missions lead into the climactic battle on 3 Mile Island in NY. It was a good touch tying together the historical catastrophe and the events of the movie. Some of the dialog was a bit overly dramatic and forced, such as when Wolverine wedges in his "Best at what I do" speech with his girl.

Worst yet was the special effects gaffs. Sabretooth's wall-crawling and Emma's transformation being among the worst. The other being every character's unexplained acrobatic prowess. Some of the leaps and jumps characters performed, which are wholly unexplained by their powers, were just super-human in an unbelievable way. This is especially bad considering the real-world controversy surrounding this movie. For those of you that don't know (which should be very few, if any, reading this site, so I'll make this quick,) the movie was leaked online a month before release, sans most of the special effects. Many people saw it in its unfinished form. The movie studio freaked out, engaging the FBI to track down the culprit and crying about how much their profits would be hurt. I'm of the opinion that the profits were not affected much, but I won't get into that here. However, in order to entice those early viewers into the theater, the powers-that-be tacked on two different scenes at the end of the movie. The tricky thing was that only one ending would be shown per viewing. I'm not sure how well that worked. I would have rather them spent the budget on better special effects than bringing talent back out, setting up locations, and shooting new scenes. Ah well, the effects weren't all bad. Summer's eye blasts, Wolverine's fights, ::sigh:: even Gambit's telekinetic tricks were pretty.

While I dwelt a little bit on my complaints of the movie, they were minor compared to my enjoyment of the movie. I liked X-Men Origins: Wolverine and I think that if you enjoy superhero action movies, you'll like it, too.

I give X-Men Origins: Wolverine twenty-seven out of thirty-two snikts on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

P.S. Why you gotta take out the Hudsons like chumps, tho?

Very Taken with Coraline

I know, I know, the title is very similar to Jon's post on the same subject, but there's only so much you can do with the two titles, so that's what you get. Don't judge me.

As the title implies, Jon and I caught a double-feature of Taken and Coraline this week. I'm going to start off saying that I enjoyed both of them immensely. I thought I would enjoy Taken and I was fairly certain I would enjoy Coraline. I'm gratified that both lived up to expectations.

We watched Taken first. For those that don't know, it features Liam Neeson as an ex-black-ops guy with a daughter just reaching adulthood. She gets kidnapped while on a visit to Paris, while on the phone with her ex-black-ops dad, natch. The trailer features Neeson's response to the kidnapper, which pretty much sets up the whole movie. Here, watch it yourself and you'll see what I mean.



Damn, Neeson can do chilling. This movie is what you would get if you married Schwarzenneger's classic Commando with the Jason Bourne trilogy and cast Neeson in the lead.

I give Taken thirty-four out of thirty-seven dead kidnappers on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything. If it doesn't sound awesome to you, there's a good chance that you're dead inside.

If that's the case, then Coraline may be the very thing you need. If the magical world that Neil Gaiman and Henry Selick create using the stop motion style Selick is so well known for from The Nightmare Before Christmas can't melt your cold dark heart, nothing can.

Coraline is a children's book by Gaiman. Well, as close to a children's book as Gaiman gets. Some children would love it, I'd daresay. I'm afraid it would scare the bejeezus out of my kids. Coraline is a little girl recently moved into an old house. An old russian acrobat, Mr. Bobinski, rents an apartment upstairs where he trains a grand mouse circus. Two faded stage actresses, Miss Spink and Miss Forcible, rent an apartment in the basement where they care for their little angels (scottie dogs, some a little closer to angels than others.)

Neglected by her parents and bored to tears, Coraline is thrilled when she finds a secret door to another world. This world is remarkable like her own, but perfect in every way. On the other side of the door is the same house with the same people, but different. Her "other mother" and "other father" are attentive and caring, satisfying her every whim. The garden outside, instead of an overgrown heap of vegetation is a colorful, musical homage to Coraline herself. Upstairs, Bobinski's marvelous mouse circus is a sight to behold. Downstairs, Spink and Forcible put on a fantastic stage show culminating in a trapeze act with Coraline in the middle.

It's too bad that there is a sinister motive to all the perfection. Not everything in the other world is as perfect as Coraline's other mother would have her believe.

Coraline is voiced by Dakota Fanning. I've never been a big fan of hers, but she gives the character a good backbone and allows the viewer to sink into the experience rather than making the voice more important than the character. Jon has some issues with her accent, having come from that region. I understand where he's coming from. It seemed to me like she was aping Fargo more than a dialect, but it certainly wasn't a deal breaker.

Teri Hatcher voices Coraline's mother and other mother. The other mother has the most and some of the best lines, naturally. She did a good enough job losing herself in the character. For a while I thought it was Drew Barrymore doing the voicework. John Hodgman of "I'm a PC" and The Daily Show fame plays Coraline's father. Although, for a special music number, John Linnell of They Might Be Giants takes over. It's as delightful as the rest of the movie.

We also have Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French as Spink and Forcible. Having long since proved their chemistry as a comedy duo in the UK with shows like Absolutely Fabulous, they work their considerable charm here as well. Keith David plays a wise black cat that helps Coraline throughout the adventure. He's one of those, "Oh! That guy!" actors. He's been in tons of stuff. Ian McShane voices Bobinski. He's another like Keith David. Bobinski is pretty entertaining as he delivers his lines while bouncing around the screen with his lanky frame and beet-shaped body. A new character created for the movie, Wybie, is played by Robert Bailey Jr. It appears the movie execs wanted a counterpart for Coraline. It certainly didn't detract from the movie, so no big deal there.

Selick does an amazing job at bringing Gaiman's world to life in Coraline. From the dismal rain of the real world to the vibrant colors of everything in the other world. A great moment in the book is when Coraline leaves the immediate vicinity of the other house and things start to abstract. The trees become less like trees and more like the concept of trees. That is exactly what you see on the screen.

Technically brilliant, sparkling cast, witty dialog, and exciting plot combine to make Coraline well worth watching. If you can get to a 3D theater to do so, more the better.

I give Coraline six out of six button eyes on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything. Go see it, just preview it before taking the youngsters.

Oh So Payneful

Stacy and I went on a long-deserved date last week. We had both been interested by the trailers for the latest video-game-turned-movie, Max Payne. Full of action and valkyries, it looked exciting. Valkyries, for those of you that don't know, are the mythical warrior-maidens from Norse mythology that escort fallen warriors off to Valhalla after they die in battle. Valhalla is an eternal battle during the day and endless feasting at night, just what any warrior would relish in the afterlife. Valkyries are traditionally depicted as big, bold, tough, blonde Scandanavians wearing armor and bearing swords (no, the fat opera lady is not what I'm talking about.)

Like This, NOT

Like This, and DEFINITELY NOT

Like This.

While the valkyries in the trailer for the movie looked decidedly un-warrior-maidenlike, I was interested enough to see their variation.

It was a mistake.

I'm going to spoil it for you right now, so you don't get suckered like we did. There are no valkyries. It's all just a stupid hallucination brought on by drugs. Knowing that much and the fact that this movie had a hackneyed plot and you can probably figure out exactly what happens in the movie.

No? Well I'm going to spoil it even further for you now. Only, I'm going to give you the facts straight, unlike the convuluted, nonsensical plot in the movie.

Max Payne (Mark Wahlberg) is a detective relegated to a desk job in cold case after the brutal murder of his wife and baby. Turns out he was just in time to kill two of the three assailants that invaded his home. He has led a secret life pursuing the last killer. He has few friends, an ex-partner (Donal "I'm Awesome But Keep Playing Stupid Parts Like This" Logue) that gets killed by the shady psuedo-organization behind the death of Max's family and his ex-cop, present-exec-at-a-pharmacuetical-company friend (Beau "Dear Lord What Have I Sunk To" Bridges.)

Wait a sec, one of his friends is an exec at a pharmacuetical company? Why, that's questionable right there! There's more! His wife worked at the company. Is it all coming together yet?

No?

Well, allow me to confuse matters a bit. Every time Max gets close to figuring something out about the murder, people get killed. We're led to believe that it's the valkyries doing the killing. The special effects for the valkyries is pretty cool, but ultimately lame by extension of their explanation. No, turns out it's a crazy ex-marine (Amaury "I Hope No One Watches This" Nalasco) hopped up on the drug that exec-friend is shelling out. Highly addictive and a hallucigen, it also makes the user nigh-invincible. Drawback? The hallucinations are always of the valkyries, and terrifying. I've got a few problems with that. Why would it be a popular street drug (and thus motive for the shady goings on I'm about to illuminate) AND why would the hallucinations always be of the same thing? The answer to the first question is simple, because the writer, director, producer, and everyone involved in the creative process of this movie are stupid. The answer to the second is even simpler. They wouldn't be, drugs and hallucinations don't work that way.

On to the stupid conspiracy that you should already see coming from a mile away. Max's wife was about to blow the whistle on the company. Max's exec-friend decided the only way to silence her was to kill her. He's the missing killer Max has been searching for...for...we don't know how long.

We don't know this because the director has no concept of time. We are led to believe that it's been "a long time," yet the house is still cordoned off with police tape, there is no vandalism, and no squatters. Unlikely alone, however, we get the impression from other conversations that Max hasn't been in cold case for long, as well as in his apartment. I think we can guess that for the director, "a long time," is about a month.

Sooooo, Marky Mark Payne doesn't actually figure this out. He is dense enough that when his exec-friend preposterously shows up in the middle of the retarded fight scene with the ex-marine and shoots him cold dead, he still has to be knocked out and explained the entire plot right before he gets "killed" in the frozen river.

Does he die? Oh, you wish. No, he conveniently has a couple of vials of the wunder drug planted in his pocket by his erstwhile killer. Oh yeah, and a B(%^h of an undead wife that won't let him die in peace. "Not yet," my arse, by the time the retarded creative team lets Max finally die, he's not going to want one thing to do with you. Anyway, hopped up on the macguffin, Max single-handedly wades through corrupt and rent-a-cops at the company to reach the exec-friend. Guess what he does there? You got it, the movie is so predictable, Max talks it out with exec-friend rationally and convinces him to turn himself in to the authorities. Roll credits.

Hah.

He kills him, of course. Big whoop.

One other (did I say one? One in a loooong string of many, maybe) beef I have with the movie was Mila "You-Can-Tell-I'm-Tough-Because-I-Glare-In-All-My-Scenes" Kunis. Her character is introduced as the sister of a soon-to-be-dead hot chick (Olga "Way-Too-Hot-To-Have-A-Major-Role" Kurylenko) that can't keep her hands off of Max. Soon-to-be-dead hot chick, that is, not Mila. Naturally, she's pissed that her sister is dead and blames Max. That soon changes after a lazy plot device and she's suddenly eager to help him. Why? Some lukewarm vengeance for her sister or something. Mila kinda sleepwalks through this film, so it's hard to tell. Mila is a badass, though. You know this because she walks around everywhere with a machine gun. I mean everywhere. I'm sure there is a scene on the cutting room floor of her at the laundromat folding her baby-doll Tees with the gun strapped to her side. The problem is that not only is her motive oddly suspect, but her appearances are as well. Midway through the obligatory one-man assault on the evil corporation, she shows up to bail a hallucinating Max out of the hole he's dug himself. Why? What reason would she have to be there? She doesn't know anything about the company or Max's assault. She had no way of knowing where he would be. "I can hold them off for a while, but if you're going to finish this, you have to get up, blabbity-blah." WHY? Oh yeah, Ludacris, Nelly Furtado, and Chris O'Donnell, because, why not?

And that, my friends, is what this movie left Stacy and I saying at the end. WHY? Why did we pay good money to see this piece O hud? Why did anyone finance this stinker? Why did half the things in the movie even happen? Why didn't we walk out? Why is this post so stinking long?

That's it. I could complain about so many more things about this movie, but I won't. Just don't, whatever you do, see this movie. It's not as bad as Babylon A.D., but it's close, real close. I give this half of a hallucinatory valkyrie out of fifteen hallucinatory valkyries on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

To the John Moore, Beau Thorne, and Sam Lake. Next time, more supernatural valkyrie, less hackneyed drug-fueled conspiracy.

At Least It's Better than Battlefield Earth

I recently wrote a review of The Land of the Lost, er, I mean, Journey to the Center of the Earth after going out to see it with my oldest daughter, Vicki, on a daddy-daughter date. What I failed to mention is that I went on another daddy-daughter date with my middle daughter, Zoe, the next day. She decided she'd rather see Star Wars: The Clone Wars than go mini-golfing. I will admit I groaned inwardly at the thought. I had read a few reviews about Lucas's latest offering and really had no desire to shell out for the big screen to see it.

Keep in mind that this movie should not be confused with "Star Wars: Clone Wars," the phenomenal Cartoon Network micro-series produced by Genndy Tartakovsky, creator of the equally awesome "Samurai Jack" and "Dexter's Laboratory." Which is out on DVD, you really should go pick it up. Especially if you plan on seeing THE Clone Wars any time soon. You'll need something to cleanse your palate.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though. Here's your plot summed up: Anakin (Matt Lanter) and Obi-Wan (James Arnold Taylor) are tasked by Yoda (Tom Kane) and Mace (Samuel M-Fing Jackson) to find Jabba the Hutt's (Kevin Michael Richardson) huttnapped son. To add a little needed female flare, Anakin is saddled with a new padawan learner, Ahsoka (Ashley Eckstein) who apparently is really young, whatever. On their mission they face such dastardly villains as Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) and his sith apprentice Ventress (Nika Futterman), though never as spectacularly or thrillingly as in "Clone Wars" (put it in your to do list.)

I don't have a problem with this. Even though it explores the same retreaded story of the reluctant teacher who learns a lesson while the learner learns learning from the learnee, blah, blah, blah. The same old jokes are trotted out to amuse the kiddies. It helps to keep in mind that this show is geared to them. The battle scenes, while not as good as those in "Clone Wars" (seriously, you need to check it out,) are entertaining enough, with plenty of clone (Dee Bradley Baker) on droid carnage.

The movie is watchable up until the subplot/plot twist, wherein Padme (Catherine Taber) and C-3P0 (Anthony Daniels) encounter Jabba's uncle, Zero the Hutt (Corey Burton) back on Coruscant. Zero, in case you haven't read about the furor surrounding the character, is so obviously gay in every stereotypical way Lucas could jam into your eye and ear holes during his scenes. He is painted bright purple with day-glo pink tattoos, a couple of pretty feathers on his head, and a grating southern belle-wannabe gay accent. Oh yes, Zero speaks English just fine, unfortunately. The voice itself is a horrible caricature that makes me wince just thinking about. He gives other gay stereotypes a bad name. It's horrible, just horrible.

Had they left Zero's completely unnecessary presence out of the movie altogether, I would probably rate this movie higher. As it is, I give it four out of twenty-one baby huttlets that are better left unmentioned on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything. Oh, I can't wait for this to become a regular series on Cartoon Network, yipee!

Land of the Lost - er - I Mean - Journey to the Center of the Earth - IN 3D!

I took Vicki out on a daddy-daughter date last night. Since the Summer Blockbuster season is waning, we decided to go see a movie that's been in the theaters for a few weeks, Journey to the Center of the Earth IN 3D!

It was brought to us by Eric Brevig, director of - um - an episode or two of Xena (seriously.) He's pretty heavy on the special effects and second unit directing on some past blockbusters, though. I suppose that made him a good choice for directing a 3D action film. The movie is pretty effects-heavy, with lava, floating rocks, glow-in-the-dark hummingbirds, and plenty of the in-your-face pop-outs that 3D productions are required to have by federal mandate.

Journey stars Brendan Fraser (number 1 on my wife's drool list, just thought I'd throw that out there,) as the milquetoast professor, Trevor Anderson, that follows in his dead brother's footsteps to - well - you know - journey to the center of the Earth. Josh Hutcherson plays his nephew, Sean Anderson. He's the usual Hollywood teenage cliche, the troubled youth that just needs a positive influence in his life along with some near-death experiences to become a good man, you know the type. Newcomer Anita Briem plays the female lead, Hannah Asgeirsson, a mountain guide that gets roped (at times, literally,) into helping them - er - you know - journey to the center of the Earth. I'll be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing her in more roles. She's easy on the eyes and ears and plays the Strong Female Character What Can Take Care Of Herself But Still Can Be Soft For The Menfolk really well.

After a bit of set up and characterization, the intrepid journeyers end up - um - you know - at the center of the Earth. Okay, so more than a healthy amount of disbelief is required to enjoy this movie. Less than what you'd need for Babylon A.D., though. Scientifically, we know that it's not possible to have a thriving ecosystem in the crushing pressure of the depths under the Earth's mantle. There's no way dinosaurs, carnivorous flying fish, glowing hummingbirds, man-sized venus fly traps, enormous calcified mushrooms, and everything else in the movie could exist miles below the surface of the Earth, but it's sure fun watching what it would be like if they did.

The movie was rather enjoyable besides a couple of problems I had with some of the conceits, such as how a mild mannered professor becomes able to fight hand-to-hand a 'la Rick O'Connell. Or why Trevor and Hannah eventually hook up, other than the fact that they're the male and female leads of the movie and are thus legally required to make kissy-face somewhere in the movie.

I just hope they can manage to bring this one to video with the 3D intact, unlike Beowulf (you bastids.) Since "3D" is in the title of the movie, I would imagine that it'd be a pretty easy decision. But I imagine a lot of weird things, like that little guy on my shoulder with the funny tail. No, I will not insult their mama and laugh maniacally as I hit the post button! Go away!

I give Journey to the Center of the Earth IN 3D! twenty-three out of thirty floating magnetic rocks on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything. I have to admit, I kept hearing Peter Griffin's Land of the Lost recitation floating through my head through the whole movie.

Thing You Shouldn't Do #6

Today we have a cinematic installment of Things You Shouldn't Do.

Thing You Shouldn't Do #6:
Watch Babylon A.D.

Why? Because there are much more useful things to do with 90 minutes of your life, like watch paint dry.

That's the short of it. For those of you that want some background on the finer points of why you shouldn't watch Babylon A.D., read on.

Vin, Vin, Vin. Why do you keep doing it? Furthermore, why do I keep watching you do it? Maybe it's because you are a self-admitted geek, so I give you chance after chance, but you continue to disappoint.

Babylon A.D., directed by Mathieu Kassovitz, the visionary director that brought us such blockbusters as Café au lait and Gothika - OK, I can't do it. This guy was the frakking mugger on The Fifth Element for crying out loud. He managed to cobble together a bunch of disjointed, badly shot, horribly scripted, poorly acted, lamely choreographed scenes from actors such as Vin Diesel, Michelle Yeoh, Gerard Depardieu, and Lambert Wilson, all of whom should disavow themselves of this hackfest as vehemently as possible.

While "Guide escorts helpless client to safety" movies can be done well, this one was not. Way too much focus was given on showing what a badass Diesel is, only to ruin the characterization with one giddy bonding scene with the female protagonists. Tell you what, I'm not even going to give you further details on why this movie sucks as bad as it does. I have three words for you,

Canadian Killer Drones

Just let that sink in for a bit. No amount of suspension of disbelief could allow me to enjoy this movie, and I have a lot of it. Having said all of this, I now know that Jon will be looking forward to this on cable. He's as much a glutton for punishment as I am.

I give Babylon A.D. zero out of two hundred fifty-five badass mercenary guides with hearts of gold on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything. Except that you shouldn't watch this movie. Yeah, don't.

The Mummy: Curse of the Dragon...er....whatever

I'm going to make this a quick one. Stacy and I went to see the latest Mummy movie with a couple of good friends this Friday.

Meh.

It had its moments, to be sure. The action was good. The plot was solid. The storyline was good, even though it had a few holes. I loved the Yeti. However, the dialog felt very forced. We're supposed to buy into these characters, Evelyn (Maria Bello) and Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser,) our intrepid heroes from the first two movies, fifteen or so years after the second movie. Their son has grown and is now estranged while the two try to enjoy their golden(?) years in retirement. This relationship is not the focus of the movie, and perhaps that is one reason it fails so miserably. I had no investment in the conflict between them. We came in during the middle of it with only vague reasons behind the split. The eventual reconciliation suffered for the lack of characterization. I could even have taken Rachel Weisz's almost criminal absence from the movie if Bello was better written. She lacked the chemistry that Weisz and Fraser steamed up the big screen with in the first two movies. Shes' pretty, not a bad actress, but she was set up to fail.

Relationships make up a large portion of the movie: the relationship between the O'Connells with Evy's brother, Jonathan (John Hannah,) thrown in for comic relief, the relationship between the Dragon Emperor (Jet Li,) his lieutenant (Russell Wong,) and the witch (Michelle Yeoh,) the relationship between the witch and her daughter (Isabella Leong,) the relationship between the O'Connell lad, Alex (Luke Ford,) and the witch's daughter. It was a bit much, especially with the trite lines and weak dialog. I was very disappointed with that aspect of the movie.

Other inconsistencies sprinkled throughout the movie were all the more glaring with the failings in the characterization and script. As far as summer movie eye candy, it fits the bill. As far as the Mummy series goes, I'd call this the weakest of the bunch, and that's including The Scorpion King. It's the tail end of the blockbuster season. If you want your eye candy before it ends (and don't intend to see the animated Star Wars: The Clone Wars,) then I'd recommend this movie. Otherwise, wait for video, you won't be as disappointed.

I give The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor five out of eleven bat-imposter corpse freakouts on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

Okay, maybe the movie suffered in my estimation for being the first movie I've seen since watching The Dark Knight in friggin' IMAX. Not much could stack up well to that experience.

The Dark Knight? More Like The Dork Knight, Am I Right Guys? Guys? Nuthin? Ah Well

Amazing.
Brilliant.
Exciting.
Exhausting?

Yes, The Dark Knight is all these things and much more. First, let me get the details out of the way for those of you living under a rock that don't pay attention to movies. This is straight from the front page of IMDB, because I got less than four hours of sleep last night and there's no way I can be this succinct this morning.

The Dark Knight reunites director Christopher Nolan with star Christian Bale, who returns to continue Batman's war on crime. With the help of Lieutenant James Gordon (Gary Oldman) and District Attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart), Batman sets out to destroy organized crime in Gotham for good. The triumvirate proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a rising criminal mastermind known as The Joker (Heath Ledger), who thrusts Gotham into anarchy and forces the Dark Knight ever closer to crossing the fine line between hero and vigilante.

Not listed are Maggie Gyllenhaal playing the absent Katie Holmes character Rachel Dawes, more on her later. Morgan Freeman as Wayne's tech man and head of Wayne Industries (or whatever they call the company in the movies,) Lucius Fox. And of course, Michael Caine as Bruce's butler and confidant, Alfred Pennyworth.

Before I get any further, allow me to confirm the hype, or add to it more, depending on your point of view, about Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker. Like others, I thought that much of the praise built around Ledger's role was influenced by the tragic circumstances of his death. I was wrong. I also have some inkling of the dark places Ledger had to go to get into the character on the screen. He was creepy, dangerous, insane, funny, and deadly. To put it into perspective, Heath Ledger's Joker is to Jack Nicholson's Joker as Christian Bale's Batman is to Adam West's Batman. I have never seen a more chilling portrayal of the character, nor do I ever expect to again. Hollywood can never bring The Joker back, because no one can follow Ledger's performance without unfavorable comparison. A posthumous Oscar is the least Ledger should receive.

And that's part of what was so exhausting about the movie. Ledger's performance was so in-depth and emotional, that I couldn't help but be drawn in emotionally as well. Not to mention watching new life breathed into this old character was so exhilarating that coming down from that couldn't help but be draining.

I did not expect the extent of the Harvey Dent/Two-Face story that we got as well. Eckhart was good. Not as good as Ledger, but who could be here? Not only was he good, but the special effects made him Two-Face. I'm not talking about cheesy latex prosthetics a la Joel CRAPmacher's Tommy Lee Jones Two-Face. I'm talking, "Good lord! You can see his cheek muscles! His eye is totally exposed! His teeth are completely visible! Is that a jawbone! Gross! Awesome!" You can tell Eckhart understood Two-Face's insanity and captured the character's particular unhinged dichotomy.

He's another reason this movie was exhausting. That is especially true considering his climactic scene, of which I will give nothing away, nothing, I tell you!

Unfortunately, I don't have all good to say about the latest Batman installment. Maggie Gyllenhaal? Really, Nolan? Really? You can't get Holmes so Gyllenhaal is your choice? Seriously? She looks horrible through the entire movie. There's a scene, part of which is in the previews, wherein The Joker encounters Gyllenhaal's Rachel at a benefit at Wayne's penthouse. He reacts to her as if she is the most beautiful woman in the room. Only she's so not. It's not that she's ugly. She's not really. But attractive? No way. She looks old and tired. Her hair is a limp mess through the entire movie. She can't fill out a dress half as well as the extras in the same scene. It was sad, really it was. She doesn't have any chemistry with either Bale or Eckhart, the latter of which plays her current beau in the movie. She's an average actress to boot. I really don't understand this casting decision.

Bale does a great job as Wayne/Batman yet again. Stacy and Jamie both mentioned that he looked really skinny. Can't say that it bothered me. His costume was a little odd. In order to make the turning of his head easier, presumably, they cut the cowl inward very close to the chin. The effect was to make his head look more round. I suppose I'm used to the cowl going straight into the cape, so it was a little jarring. Hardly much of a complaint considering past Hollywood interpretations of the character. The only real complaint I had about Bale's Batman was his final conversation with The Joker (the previous ones were all entertaining, oh and exhausting,) Bale doesn't so well with the voice change to Bats. He tries a little too hard to make it gravelly. This isn't a problem unless he's shouting, then he sounds a little silly. Still not much of a complaint, but it was a little jarring.

My final comment about the movie was the message it delivered, sometimes subtly, sometimes in your face; people are inherently good. While I generally don't like people, the message of hope still appealed to me. It was one of the scenes that delivered this statement that was extremely dark and exhausting, but ultimately satisfying and a relief. I hate being so cryptic, but I'm really trying to avoid being spoilerific. I think you'll know the scene when you see it. It's not the only one with the message, but the one where it is most clearly delivered.

The plot was chilling and twisty, the action was intense, the comedy was dark, the acting was superb (except where noted,) and the cinematography was excellent. Oh, and the Bat-bike was cool. I give The Dark Knight thirteen out of fifteen cat-proof batsuits on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

Did I mention that I'm watching it again tonight? Jon and I discussed it after last night's advance viewing. Can we watch it two nights in a row, as emotionally exhausting as it was? Of course we can, because it was awesome.

P.S. Damn them for making a Watchmen trailer that actually makes me want to see the movie.

Hancock and Hellboy, It Was a Good Week and a Half

Within the past couple of weeks, I've been to see both Hancock and Hellboy II. Here are my (un)timely reviews.

Hancock
OR
Why So Bitter, Critic?

Hancock has received a pretty miserable 37% at Rotten Tomatoes for reasons unknown (read: I'm too lazy to read through their reviews.) All I can figure is that as children, the reviewers were thrown bodily into the upper atmosphere by a scruffy super-powered wino. I'm sure each of them stumbled off to cry to momma and vowed to pan any movie based on their experience when they became a big powerful


Yeah, you ain't so big, critic. Plus, you're mother dresses you funny.

Will Smith, Charlize Theron, and Jason Bateman star in this superhero story surprisingly not based on a comic book. It was directed by Peter Berg, currently directing Dune (another one?) Smith plays Hancock, a perpetually drunk, bitter, amnesiac super "hero" that is known for causing more damage than good when he tries to help people. One would wonder why he bothers if that particular point was not covered briefly in the movie.

While it is a super hero movie, replete with the trappings that come with the genre, Hancock is also one of the best examples of High Concept Done Right (TM) that I've ever seen. I can't really boil down the concept without giving away key plot points that would truly spoil the movie. The action scenes were good. We get some nice enjoyable Superman Amongst the Mortals moments as well as a little brawling between supers.

Bateman, as always, plays a great straight man, although this is not a comedy. In Bateman we get to see the everyman interacting with the superman. He's the audience's proxy, almost. He reacts with much more heart and compassion than I would attribute to your average movie going population, though.

Theron is sexy, no denying it. She even gets to try on different sexies throughout the movie. What? You say "sexies" isn't a word? Hey, if Justin Timberlame can bring sexy back, then I can treat the darn thing as a noun, too! I had my suspicions about Theron from the trailers that were confirmed as the movie progressed, though not nearly in the way I expected. What I liked about her character was how devoted she was to her husband, played by Bateman, and his son.

Smith's Hancock progresses dramatically through the course of the movie, which at heart, is more a tale of one (super)man's struggle to find his place in the world. I can dig that. Since this is the Fresh Prince we're talking about here, that progression treats us to some comedic gold as well as the usual tugging at the heart-strings. If there is one thing Smith has proved as one of Hollywood's leading men over the past thirteen or so years, it's that he can play both sides of that line.

Hancock was a lot more entertaining than it had any right to be, satisfying both my need for super powered badassery (I suppose you're going to tell me that's not a word either, eh, smartypants?) and emotional depth. I give it fifteen out of eighteen eagles inexplicably soaring through downtown New York on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
OR
About Time! Now Where's Hellboy III?

I had high expectations for this movie well before it even reached production. Those were escalated even more by early reports of its exceptional quality. Since seeing the movie (88% on Rotten Tomatoes, in case you were wondering,) I have talked to people that rate the movie as good or better than the original, but none below that. I think this speaks highly of director/writer Guillermo del Toro and creator/writer Mike Mignola's obvious love of the material.

What contributes even more is the cast's immersion into the characters. Almost all of the old cast returned for the sequel, thankfully. Joining them is a new "face" as well. We have Ron Perlman reprising his role as the titular Hellboy, Selma Blair as the pyrokinetic Liz Sherman, Doug Jones as the enigmatic Abe Sapien (this time with speaking part as well!) Jeffrey Tambor as the blustery, but somewhat diminished Tom Manning, and John Hurt as Hellboy's adoptive dad Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm via a flashback.

What is there to say about Perlman? Once you see him in the role of Hellboy, there is no doubt that it was meant to be. Few people are as well-suited for a role as Perlman for Hellboy. Blair is one of those odd actresses that can come off extremely well or tragically horrible. Jon and I discussed that briefly. We're not sure what it is about her that causes that. Another actress that suffers from the same problem is Dina Meyer, at least for my money. Blair brought her A game this time, though. The moments of pure relationship between her and Hellboy are entertaining not just for the novelty of a demon and a human having everyday couple issues but also because of how dead-on they were.

It was not jarring at all to hear Jones' voice coming from Abe's mouth. That is probably because he voiced Abe in the two animated Hellboy movies that came out on DVD after the first movie. With David Hyde Pierce not reprising his voice over work, Jones was the natural choice. He is the actor underneath the mask, after all.

Tambor is a pleasure. I have never seen him in a role that I did not like, from his slimy Vance Crasswell in Life Stinks to his harmless sidekickery in "The Larry Sanders Show" and all his voice work between. However, his character seemed a bit less authoritative in this one. I had thought his relationship with Hellboy would have improved after their moment of bonding in Rasputin's tomb at the end of the first movie. Perhaps his castration was to open up the way for the newest member of the BPRD.

In an odd move, at least it seemed to me before watching the movie, Del Toro cast Seth MacFarlane as the gasbag Johann Krauss. Johann is a great character with a great concept behind him. He is a cloud of sentient ectoplasmic vapor, contained in a modified dry diving suit. Let that high concept soak in for a bit. His form gives him some pretty entertaining and useful abilities, the least of which is beating up on Hellboy with a bank of lockers. While the cinematic character differs a bit from the comic's, I still enjoyed Johann's presence.

That brings me to the movie itself. Hellboy stories are about good versus evil in a primal, beatdown sense with a large dose of matter-of-fact humor thrown in for good measure. Del Toro and Mignola deliver it like a sizzling fastball pitch right over the plate and into your face. The creature effects are fantastic, especially the tumor. The story is solid. The plot pacing is impeccable. The character development begs your investment. Hellboy II is all good. Well, all good except for one thing. It was over well before I was ready for it to be.

I do agree with Jon, though. Not nearly enough of those damn robot nazi gorillas! Seriously, though, what wasn't in this movie, I can only hope will be in a sequel. I really want a sequel. I give Hellboy II: The Golden Army ten out of ten robot nazi gorillas on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

WALL-E's World

On a spur-of-the-moment whim yesterday, we joined the Postmas and McCoards at the movie theater to catch a viewing of Pixar's latest digital masterpiece, WALL-E. Before I got into this review, you should know that I've been looking forward to this movie since I heard about it from the teaser interviews they released around the time Ratatouille came out. While it was cute, Ratatouille really didn't thrill me. Tease me with a sci-fi movie featuring a quirky Waste Allocation Load Lifter: Earth class robot and I'm there!

The plot of the movie is a bit more sophisticated than Pixar has dealt with in the past. I really don't know how much of it I should mention, considering that revealing anything past the most basic elements will ruin the plot twists for anyone that hasn't seen it.

WALL-E is a robot left on Earth to repair the damage humanity has wrought in the form of endless mounds of waste. Our little square friend does this by scooping waste into his compression cavity, hunkering down, and popping out a fresh steaming square of crushed garbage. We are treated to a panoramic sweep of Earth at the beginning with immense skyscrapers of these cubes towering over the rest of the buildings in the nameless town WALL-E lives in.

We find out early on that WALL-E is presumably the last of his line still working. Perhaps his survival has something to do with his progression beyond his original programming. WALL-E collects keepsakes from the garbage occasionally. We find that his home, the abandoned shell of a WALL-E unit transport, is decorated with strings of holiday lights, knick-knacks, and other random bits of trash that have become his treasures. Nestled in the midst of the trash are WALL-E's spare parts, scavenged from the rest of his rusting compatriots that lay motionless, in mid waste disposal.


One fateful day, a ship lands on Earth, much to WALL-E's surprise. It's obvious he doesn't know what it is or what to do about it. However, after it deposits its payload, a sleek ovoid robot that is years beyond WALL-E's design, the ship departs. This leaves WALL-E to tentatively establish a relationship with the only other living thing around besides his pet cockroach, the new robot EVE.

What is EVE there for? Will she fall for WALL-E's bumbling attempts to ape the human romance that he's watched on his ancient video iPod for the last few hundred years? What will happen when the ship comes back for EVE?

If you've seen some of the previews for the movie, you can probably guess at some of the answers, but I'm not going to give any more away. The voice cast for WALL-E is mostly unimportant. We get some entertaining glances at Fred Willard as Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO. Buy 'N Large seems to be the corporation that took over Earth before the exodus, more on that later. Only a few humans have more than a couple of lines further into the movie, including John Ratzenberger, naturally. I don't think there has been a Pixar movie without his voice yet. Kathy Najimy also makes a vocal appearance, she's got a good voice. Surprisingly, if only because I really wasn't paying attention, Sigourney Weaver supplied her voice to the movie as well. Jeff Garlin rounds out the human voice cast. And I do mean rounds out. Hah hah. What, you don't get it? Nevermind.

The reason I say the voice cast is largely unimportant is because they have few lines. Most of the lines are left to WALL-E, EVE, and the other robots. And they speak to me, deep down, with synthesized voices. It's that Commodore 128 geek in me. I've always had a soft spot for the old-school synthesized voices from computers. I know that human voices were actually modified to sound like the synthesized voices for many of the robots, but it's close enough. Apparently you can't get a full range of aural emotion from the computer voices. Whodathunkit?

As for the political commentary that the movie makes, I'm not as inflamed about it as some of the movie's critics. Yes, the humans in the movie destroyed the Earth with rampant consumerism and unbridled waste. Yes, their short-sightedness resulted in the entire population fleeing in a mass vacation-like exodus. Yes, the solution they came up with crashed down around their ears. So what? The way I see it, the situation depicted in the movie is plausible. Even down to what would happen to humanity if it came to rely on computers and robots for even the most basic tasks. However, the creators of the movie didn't try to shove any political message down the audience's throats, like Happy Feet, wherein we are told quite firmly that we are destroying the penguins' habitats. It was presented as a framework to tell the story of WALL-E, EVE, and their affects on the future of humanity.

I believe that movies are a perfectly acceptable medium for delivering socio-political messages, even children's movies. If you don't like the message presented, then it's up to you to avoid the movie or explain the situation to your children and indoctrinate them into your world view. Me, I'm a proponent of conservation. We recycle more waste than we throw away every week. We try to minimize our power and gas consumption as much as we can. We teach our children to respect the Earth and preserve it where we can. Having a movie deliver that message softly and gently isn't going to hurt me or my children any.

Wait, wha? How'd I get up here on this soapbox? I didn't know they even made these crates anymore! Hang on, let me get down. There we are. Where was I? Ah yes, WALL-E. I give Pixar's excellent sci-fi outing fifteen out of fifteen reduced-bone-mass fatties. They done good.

Kung Fu Panda OR How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ska-doosh

Stacy and I took the girls to see Kung Fu Panda with a friend of ours and her two boys. I wasn't expecting much from this movie. It looked like another in a long line of computer animated movies featuring big-name voice talent.

Well, it was that, but it exceeded my expectations. The relative unknown directing team of Mark Osborne and John Stevenson delivered a surprising amount of laughs and a few touching scenes among the whirlwind martial arts action in what could have been a standard reluctant hero movie. Naturally, they had help in the form of the aforementioned big-name voice talent

Leading the pack is Jack Black as the title panda, Po. Working with his father in the family noodle shop, Po dreams of something bigger, pun intended. His father, played by my favorite ethnic actor, James Hong, is a crane or some kind of bird. In a delightful twist, we never find out how he came to raise a panda as a son, not even during the big heart-felt father-son talk that usually couches the reveal. Thanks to a freak set of circumstances, mostly of his own hapless doing, Po is chosen by Kung Fu Master Oogway (Randall Duk Kim, another great ethnic actor) as the dragon warrior, destined to defeat the evil and nigh-unbeatable Tai Lung (Ian McShane).

This pisses off the Furious Five and their master, Oogway's student, Shifu, to no end. Shifu, played to my surprise once the credits were rolling, by Dustin Hoffman, bears the terrible burden of being the one that taught Tai Lung before he went bad. Obi Wan much? His Quintessential Quintet is led by Master Tigress, aka Angelina Jolie, didn't notice. Followed by Master Crane, or David Cross, didn't register. Next is Master Viper, Lucy Liu, really? Then we have Master Mantis, voiced by Seth Rogen, don't watch enough Appatow to know him. Finally we have Master Monkey, our beloved Jackie Chan, so that's why his accent was so strong! Seriously, either I was having an off night or this voice talent was just too vanilla. I'm leaning towards the former. I was juggling no less than three kids in and out of my lap during the course of the movie, so I may have been somewhat distracted. Let's just say my exceptional voice-placing talent took a break.

Ooo! Ooo! What? No, I'm not doing my Master Monkey impression. I don't believe he once uttered a single Ook through the whole movie. I just remembered one of the voice actors that I actually recognized, smartass. Michael Clark Duncan was ununrecognizable as Tai Lung's over confident warden. He shared his scenes with Dan Fogler, who I loved in Balls of Fury, but didn't even recognize here.

I'm sure that, armed with this knowledge, I would be able to recognize each and every one of these fine voice talents if I were to watch the movie again. That ain't happenin' 'til the DVD comes out, though.

Shifu's Fantabulous Five give our hero, Po, the harsh treatment that is his due for having the temerity to be nearly randomly chosen by their master's master. Their treatment of Po pales in comparison to Shifu's treatment of him, though. I thought Kung Fu masters were supposed to be wise? This one doesn't wise up until the metaphorical head slap by his master is delivered right before Oogway, ah, but that would be telling.

Like all great reluctant hero movies, we get a training montage midway through that makes a veritable master of Kung Fu out of Po. I'm not really bothered by this or the events leading up to it. It's all familiar, ingrained in the sub-genre wherein this movie lives. I suppose accepting the format allowed me to appreciate the nuances and humor used throughout. This movie doesn't tread any new ground, but then, who wants to be challenged by a kid flick?

The final reveal and climactic battles were enjoyable in their predictable ways. I think my favorite part was when Po finally realizes that he can stand up to the super-powerful Tai Lung, all by his lonesome. It's the ensuing battle and Po's tactics for winning that are so entertaining. What? Upset that I didn't post a spoiler alert? You obviously haven't been reading this, then. Po is the reluctant hero in a kids movie. You thought that maybe the outcome or how we got to it was in doubt? Then you need to google yourself a "hero's journey archetype" and remember all those stories you already know.

The animation was top notch. This movie was produced very much in the Madagascar style. That's not to say the movie was like a southeastern African island-nation that is no doubt beautiful and cinematic in its own right. No, the style reminded me a lot of the 2005 Dreamworks movie named after the island. The cartoony style lends itself well to the CGI medium. Rather than striving to look like something it's can't be, realistic, the CGI seems to take a back seat to some good cartooning.

Black and company deliver on the laughs, tug a couple of heartstrings (slightly, only slightly) and give us some good fast-paced action. At least, I'm assuming on the last one, since I missed the penultimate battle between Shifu and Tai Lung since Scarlett chose that opportunity to get out of her seat and hold a loud conversation with anyone within ear shot. I love that little girl!

I give Kung Fu Panda five out of eight noodle bowls on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything. For a good time with the kids, there's nothing better in the theaters right now.

Tomorrow, The Incredible Hulk!

Indian Jones and the Geriatric Kingdom of the Arthritic Skull

Note: I had this mostly written up this weekend, but circumstances arose that prevented me from posting it until now. Sorry for the tardiness!

Stacy and I went to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with a bunch of friends this weekend. What can I say but that it was an Indiana Jones movie, through and through?

Indiana Jones movies definitely follow a formula. First, we get to see Indy in his element. In Raiders of the Lost Ark, he is retrieving a golden idol from an ancient temple in the Peruvian jungle; a rousing John Williams score and adventure ensue. In Temple of Doom, he is exchanging the ancient remains of Nurhaci with some Shanghai gangsters; a rousing John Williams score and adventure ensue. In Last Crusade, he is a young boy and retrieving the Cross of Coronado from grave robbers; a rousing John Williams score and adventure ensue.

Steve Spielberg always treats us to character development during the whirlwind adventure in act I. We get to look into a small window into Indiana’s character. One of my favorite things about the first acts in the Indy movies is that he is revealed as wholly human: fallible and mortal. Indiana isn’t super human, things don’t always go his way, he doesn’t always make the right decision. I think this element of the Indiana character helps us normal people identify with him.

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull doesn’t part from the norm. The first act starts strong and doesn’t finish until Indiana Jones survives a nuclear bomb. Oops, spoiler alert. I don’t feel too bad, it’s a tiny spoiler and I guarantee I didn’t ruin it for you. I could be wrong, but I think Kingdom features the longest first act of the four movies in the franchise. I have no complaint; the first act is the most fun-loving of the three. You don’t yet have a sense of the seriousness of the opposition or what is at stake in the first act. It’s just good clean adventure. We get more insight into Indy, which is very important considering how much water has flowed under his bridge since last we saw him.

The second act of the Indiana Jones movies usually involves a bit of exposition. This usually happens in Indy’s day job at Marshall College. (The events of the first act in Temple of Doom force Indy to have act II in an Indian village and temple, though.) We get to see how every student wants a piece of Indy, sometimes in a good way, sometimes, not so good. Spielberg reveals the impetus of act III here, too.

Act III consists of the culmination of the previous two acts along with a healthy dose of the supernatural. No matter how faux-realistic the first two acts are, the last one always pushes at the borders of reality, first with the decidedly macabre opening of the Ark of the Covenant, then with the Thugee priest and sacred stone’s otherworldly powers, and rounding out the original trilogy with the divine power of the Holy Grail.

Kingdom’s act III, as its previous two acts, follows suit more so. It’s as if Spielberg distilled down the essence of Indiana Jones plots and presented them to us in a concentrated form. The first act is longer and more adventurous than its predecessors, the second act, while expository, includes more than a healthy amount of adventure as well, and the final act stretches the boundaries between reality and fantasy even further (in my opinion) than the previous three movies.

As for the acting, we have an interesting mix in this one. First and foremost is Harrison Ford. Can he do it? Can he pull off the physically demanding role of Indiana Jones so long, a full nineteen years, after his last outing as Indy? Yes. Yes he can. Ford is Indiana Jones, there is no doubt of it as soon as he steps out of the trunk of the car in the opening scene and dusts off his signature fedora. Time has obviously passed for him, but Spielberg handles that easily by adding enticing hints into Indy’s life since Last Crusade and the fact that the movie is set in the fifties. Also, dig Scrub's Janitor as an uptight FBI agent!

Karen Allen reprises her role as Marion Ravenwood, Indy’s love interest from his youth and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Marion has always been my favorite foil for Indy. She’s tough, no nonsense, and witty. She knows how to handle herself and Indiana, but she still has a soft spot for him. Those feelings haven’t been lost, just tempered with the years between Raiders and Kingdom. Their relationship adds for some excellent dynamics in act III.

That does it for recurring roles. My favorite newcomer by far is Mutt Williams, played by the always entertaining Shia “The LaBeouf” LaBeouf. The LaBeouf shines as an insecure greaser kid, intent on rescuing his mother and childhood mentor, Professor “Ox” Oxley (John Hurt). He masks his insecurities with a tough-as-nails attitude and a fixation with his switchblade.

John Hurt is one of my favorite elderly British actors. I loved him as Professor Broom on Hellboy. Professor Ox is a bit more eccentric, but still enjoyable to watch.

Somewhat enjoyable, but also possessing that wince-inducing quality of a British actor portraying a Russian soldier, is Cate Blanchett as a special officer of the Russian intelligence (I think,) Irina Spalko. She’s chilling and enigmatic, but lacks the sinister quality of Indy’s previous arch-villains.

Ray "I'll Kill Your Monstah!" Winstone, who I totally did not recognize, played Indy’s old as-yet-unmentioned friend George ‘Mac’ McHale. Where we have The LaBeouf playing the young innocent sidekick almost a la Jonathan Ke Quan as Short Round in Temple, Mac plays the world-wise, self-serving sidekick. No Sallah, he. His performance is quite good. You really don’t know where he stands until the end. Speaking of Sallah, I really missed seeing John Rhys-Davies as my favorite Egyptian and Denholm Elliot as my favorite bungling dean of students, Marcus Brody.

Igor Jijikine is only notable as Dovchenko because he fills the ever-important role of the burly Eastern European that just won’t fall down. This character is vital to the Indiana Jones series. Without him, we wouldn’t have the immensely satisfying SMACK of fist on flesh that sounds so unique in the Indy series.

All of these factors combine to make a thoroughly enjoyable installment in the Indiana Jones Franchise. While the movie may not appeal to those that aren’t fans of the films, it will hit all the triggers that Indy enthusiasts enjoy. Being a fan of the Indy movies, Harrison Ford, Spielberg, and many of the other actors in the movie, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

I give Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull twelve out of thirteen crystal skulls on a scale I just made up that might just mean something.

Chronic - What? - les of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Stacy and I took the girls to see the latest installment in The Chronicles of Narnia franchise, Prince Caspian, last night. We should probably preview these movies before we take the kids to them, but getting out alone to do that is nearly impossible, unless we really go out alone, leaving the other to watch the kids. Stacy is actually going to do that to see Iron Man. I told her that I loved her enough to watch the kids while she went off to watch an awesome movie without me. Actually, I think my exact words were, "If it's a choice between seeing the movie alone or not seeing it at all, then go to Iron Man alone." It's that good.

Wait, this isn't another Iron Man review. Let's get back to the prince. The reason I mentioned previewing movies for the girls is the sheer amount of violence in this movie. Don't get me wrong, it's rated PG, but if you watch closely, you can see why. There's little to no blood, no actual evidence of wounds caused by blade or horn, only one on-screen death. They were very savvy in shooting and editing this film to retain the PG rating.

Did that make it a bad movie? NO! It was a great movie. It was just violent. Keep in mind this is coming from a guy that had no problem taking his girls to Speed Racer, a movie filled with ninja fights, cars with deadly weapons, and general race track viciousness. I think the fantasy violence is a little more visceral than the Speed Racer fare. It just stood out to me.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe scribe/director, Andrew Adamson, returns to give us Prince Caspian. I didn't realize until looking him up that he also directed all three Shrek movies as well as penning the last two. With the consistent hand of someone familiar with the world of Narnia as well as six of the actors from the first, Adamson delivers his vision of the fantasy world exactly as before. The feel of Narnia and her denizens remained, which I think served the movie well.

In this tale, we are introduced to Prince Caspian, played by Ben Barnes. Caspian is the tenth in a long line of despotic rulers that invaded Narnia shortly after the Pevensies left at the end of the first story. Since time passes differently in Narnia, ten generations of these Telmarine invaders have lived and flourished in the space of one year for the Pevensie kids in the real world. Caspian's rule is threatened, however, by his power hungry uncle, Lord Miraz, played by Sergio Castellitto. Fleeing the castle on the night of the birth of Miraz's son, Caspian happens across true Narnians and in his fear summons the Kings and Queens of old, the Pevensies.

Here we are re-introduced to Peter (William Moseley), Susan(Anna Popplewell), Edmund(Skandar Keynes), and Lucy(Georgie Henley). In a move that would shock Hollywood executives all over California, the creators of Prince Caspian actually managed to get the actors back into recording while they still looked only a year older. I am the most disappointed in the Pevensies in this story than in any other in C.S. Lewis's series. I always thought the story of Prince Caspian showed us the Pevensies at their worst, but the movie really showcases their lack of nobility and grace that a lifetime as kings and queens in Narnia should have taught them. This is not a knock on the actors. They portray them exactly as they should be, I think.

The first thing we see of Peter is him brawling another schoolboy because he was treated like a child. We see Susan brush off a geeky boy by giving him a false name. We find later that Lucy, by postponing a very important task, may have caused much unnecessary harm. The only one that seems to have grown is Edmund, the worst of the lot from the first story. In this one, he comes to his brother's aid not once, but twice. He believes Lucy when no one else will, and generally shows more chivalry and wisdom than any of the others.

After being teleported back to Narnia, the children discover how long they have been away, first through some exploration on their own, and then through some exposition from my favorite Narnian dwarf, at least as of the viewing of this movie, Trumpkin. In the first stroke of genius casting in this movie, played by Peter Dinklage. For those of you too lazy to click on the link, he's the small actor du jour now. He's where Warwick Davis was about a decade ago in his career. Speaking of which, Mr. Davis plays the evil dwarf, Nikabrik. Interesting casting for Davis. I've not seen him play anything more threatening as a Nelwin before. He's good, but he's no Dinklage.

Trumpkin re-introduces the Pevensies to the world of Narnia as it is now. Eventually they meet up with Caspian and the meat of the story really begins. Through a clashes of steel and wills, the Pevensies, Caspian, Miraz, the Narnians, and the Telmarines struggle for control of Narnia. Where's my favorite character through all of this? Where's Aslan? No where to be found, unfortunately. Aslan doesn't make his true appearance until rather late in the movie. When he does though, it's pretty kickass. Voiced again by Liam Neeson, he as impressive and imposing as Aslan should be.

The only other character I feel worth noting is one that has been another of my favorites from the books, thankfully voiced by a favorite actor/comedian of mine, Reepicheep the mouse. Eddie Izzard brings him to life in Prince Caspian. While he serves as a worthy comic foil, he has an appeal of his own, I think.

All four Pevensie actors play their parts well. I was especially impressed with their stunt work. I am sad that we will not get to see Moseley and Popplewell reprise their roles again, as the next Narnia story features the younger two Pevensies and a new boy in Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I hope we will see a return of Keynes, Henley, Neeson, Izzard, Dinklage, and Barnes, preferably directed by Adamson.

I give The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian 15 out of 17 DLFs on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

Go, Speed, Go!

Bad Scott! Bad Scott! I went to Speed Racer not once, but twice last weekend. I had fully intended on posting a review Sunday, but I got sick for the first half of the week and then busy with work and school for the second half. Yeah, I know, excuses are like a**holes, they crash parties and make people uncomfortable, or something like that.

"You saw it twice?" I hear you say in my mind, "There's no way a live-action remake of an old Japanese cartoon could be that good."

"Hah!" I say, "Shows what you know! How'd you get in here anyway? My head's only got room for one, thankyewverymuch. There's the door."

I went to opening night with a couple of friends and enjoyed the movie thoroughly. Knowing full well that Stacy was not interested in the movie, I decided to take the girls to it the next day while she was out doing scrapbook stuff. They loved it. Well, mostly. Scarlett fell asleep halfway through. That should be more of a testament to how tired she was since she refused to nap and not to how ho-hum the movie is.

Because ho-hum it ain't. This isn't the Wachowski bros first rodeo, and it shows. The writing/directing team of brothers Andy and Larry showed considerable polish in their treatment of the venerable Speed Racer.

Before I get into the movie proper, I should give you my background on Speed Racer. Scratch that, before I get into my background, I should give you some background on Speed Racer. Speed was one of the early anime (nee Japanamation) imports to hit American television. The original series is circa 1967, if that tells you anything.

The animation is sub-par, especially by today's standards. Shortcuts abound, such as static scenes with minor animation, speed line backgrounds, reused footage, etc. The dubbing is laughable. You can tell the voice actors are trying their best to fit all the words into the small amount of time the characters are actually moving their mouths while other moments are given over wholly to reaction grunts. Oooh! Ahhh! Uhhhh? That kind of thing.

What Speed Racer had going for it was excitement. The excitement of a race car called Mach 5 (kick@$$ name!) that could jump, cut through trees, go underwater, whatever they wanted it to do. The excitement of a death race as Speed went head to head with ruthless criminals and spies, both on the track and off. The intrigue of Racer X, who you knew was Speed's presumed-dead brother, but was still a mystery to Speed and family. Plus, there's a chimp. All things that appealed to young Scott.

So I had a bit of nostalgia for Speed Racer. Not an immense amount, the bad animation and dubbing still stand out in my mind.

Speed Racer The Movie blew me away. I could tell by the previews that it was going to be psychedelic, as it should be. The old series had that drug-induced fever dream quality to it, so it was appropriate. They delivered much more than that, though. The Wachowski's get credit for ignoring physics whenever they became inconvenient to giving us a bit of eye candy. I respect that if you're trying to tell a story about a car that can jump and flip 20-30 feet in the air, repeatedly bash other cars with no signs of damage, contain a plethora of secret gadgets (Spritle, would you say I have a plethora of gadgets? Si, si, Speed, a plethora! Spritle, do you know what a plethora is? Hah! I crack myself up.) and still race around a track that would give any NASCAR driver nightmares for weeks, then you don't need to be tied down by such mundane details as gravity, cause and effect, material strength, and all that crap.

The cast has some winners in it. Speed is played by Emile Hirsch, who has a kind of recognizable quality. That's not because I've seen him in anything, he just reminds me of other actors. He did a passable job. Sadly enough, the role of Speed is the most forgiving of any of them. Speed is the Hero, any young man with the right look that can deliver that Hero persona would probably have worked in the role. Hirsch does well in his emotional personal conflicts, which is certainly more maturity than we ever got from the original series.

Christina Ricci seemed to me an odd choice for Speed's girl, Trixie. Don't get me wrong, she did a great job, she just seemed an odd fit. Trixie was always a bit of a dim damsel in distress in the original series. Ricci's Trixie was a bit more competent and helpful, which is just fine.

Matthew "Lost" Fox was fun to watch as Racer X. He's definitely got the brooding mysterious hero look down pat. He showed quite a bit of range, more than I expected from the character. I don't know whether to attribute that to the bros Wachowski or Fox, but kudos anyway. His counterpart, Scott "Friday Night Lights" Porter as pre-Racer-X Rex is good, but he has little screen time.

Now for the brilliant casting. John Goodman as Pops? Genius! Goodman has the build, demeanor, and facial expressions that make him perfect for the role. Perhaps the greatest moment, strike that, the greatest moment with Pops was watching him wipe the floor with a ninja using his old wrestling moves. A ninja. I couldn't stop laughing.

Trixie: Was that a ninja?
Pops: More like a nonja. Terrible what passes for a ninja these days.

Great line or greatest line ever?

Susan Sarandon as Mom. At first glance, she seems to be a bit of an over-qualified actress for the role. However, Sarandon brings a spirit and heart to the maternal character that solidifies the sub-text of family unity that would be sorely lacking without her presence. That was a good bit of casting.

Paulie Litt as Spritle. Speed's younger brother would always tag along in the adventures by hiding in the trunk of the Mach 5 with his trusty companion, Chim Chim, in the old series. That hasn't changed at all. The extra scenes given to Spritle and the family chimp were well worth the effort. While obviously thrown in to keep the kiddies amused, there's no discounting the power of a chimp in entertaining folks of all ages. Litt channels his inner New-Yorker as the protective hero-worshipper to his older brother Speed, while retaining independence as a troublemaker and Saturday morning martial artist. The moment he and Chim Chim squared off over the sofa as their favorite cartoon Kung Fu characters, I was sold.

Roger Allam as the villainous Royalton was another master stroke. I don't know Allam from anything, not from lack of acting. I just don't watch in his circles, I guess. He comes across so smarmily at the beginning that it's impossible to not recognize him as a dastardly character with a shriveled, black heart. Allam sold it and I loved the character because I was supposed to hate him. Is that weird?

I'm going to cut the name dropping there. That's not the whole principle cast, but it's enough. The others did well enough. I just really enjoyed the performances of these guys a bit more.

We're already moving into epistle territory, so I'll touch on the story and other elements then wrap this up. Speed is a small-time racer with an eye on the Grand Prix, like any aspiring driver. Obviously talented, he is scoped out by the corrupt Royalton to join the "winning team". After finding out the truth, that the every high-level race is rigged by the corporate big-wigs behind the scenes, Speed (with a little convincing) decides to Do The Right Thing (tm) and fight the Powers That Be (also tm). One of the defining factors of Speeds life up to this moment was the loss of his older brother Rex to the cutthroat world of rally racing. Little does he know that his brother faked his death and now races from the shadows as the Harbinger of Boom, Racer X. With the help of this mysterious stranger, his family, and his girl Trixie, Speed races to right the wrongs of the big business fat cats and teach them rotten nogoodniks a lesson.

I already touched on the action a bit, what with the leaping race cars and other gadgets. The races are truly exciting. My favorite race by far was the rally race near the middle of the movie. Racing against four extremely hostile teams (as well as the rest of the racers,) Speed, Racer X, and their sponsoring team's racer, Taejo (Rain), ride through three climate changes and countless dangers. We get to see poison sprayers, sledgehammers, (remote controlled!) tire knives, giant steel spiked balls on the end of chains, and a, I kid you not, catapult loaded with a beehive. Classic!

There was also a particularly good fight scene during this race, though it doesn't come close to Pops Vs. Nonja. As the originators of "bullet time" I feel that the Wachowski's were under some pressure to deliver another cool fight-scene dynamic. They did. This time, they used the pretense of snowfall to create speed lines of sorts behind particularly fast and vicious punches and kicks. It sounds kinda cheesy, but the combination of the effect with the judicious use of slow and fast filming made for some great eye candy.

I also enjoyed, as did my girls, the mechanism the Wachowski bros. dreamed up for soon-to-die racers to net them that PG rating. Right before a car would suffer a mortal crash, sensors would trigger a safety mechanism that would cocoon the racer in a sphere of elastic bubbles. As the car exploded in a fiery, er, fireball, the racer would bounce out in a cute CGI sphere of bubbles, presumably picked up later safe and sound.

I knew this blockbuster season was going to be good. Prince Caspian opens today and (cue heavenly choir) Indiana Jones opens next week. There is a movie opening every week from now until the end of summer that I will probably try to see. However, I was not expecting to enjoy the first two so thoroughly. First, we were given Iron Man, which was undeniably awesome. Next, Speed Racer, which blew me away. I really wasn't expecting it to be that good. Plus, there's a chimp!

I give Speed Racer forty-two out of forty-five Chim Chim Cookies on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

To forestall any complaints about my reviews (like anyone that reads this cares enough to complain,) I know that my reviews are not completely objective and don't really take a critical look at the plot, writing, etc. Here's what I have to say to that. Phbtbtbtbtbtbt! Git yer own blog! I know what I like and I tell you why I liked it or didn't. You want a well-thought review that deeply examines the finer points of the cinematic experience, then go look up one of the psuedo-intellectual "critics" that foist that crap on the public. They're movies, the blockbusters in particular bear only a passing resemblance to art. If I wanted to pay $20.00 to see art, I'd take the metro into DC and pay to get into a high-end museum. Enjoy the blockbusters for the visceral thrills and spills, or you're going to waste your twenty.