Saturday, June 24, 2006

Game Boys for Everyone! OR I'm Nintendo’s B!@ch

Originally posted June 16, 2006

So Im watching some TV as I fold laundry on Monday and on comes a commercial advertising Nintendos latest addition to the Game Boy family (11 strong now.) The bastards just keep on piling them on. Let me take you through a brief history of Nintendos efforts to wrest away my time and money.

- First came the Game Boy in all its off-white body and spinach-green screen glory. It was big and bulky by todays standards, but a remarkable piece of technology by 1989 reckoning. Tough too, it could withstand floods and sand storms according to natural disaster victims and Desert Storm veterans. This I know courtesy of Nintendo Powers letter columns (Nerd! I know.)

- Next, in 1995, came the exact same Game Boy hardware with new colored shells. Anyone remember Play it loud! No? Me neither. This was my entering point into the world of handheld gaming. I bought the black one. Little did I know how insidious Nintendo would become.

- Not long after, in 1996, Nintendo unveiled the Game Boy Pocket. It was miniscule compared to the old one. By that time I wasnt playing much, so I didnt buy one.

- Japan got the Game Boy Light, a backlit version of the Pocket in 1997, meh.

- Fast forward a couple of years to the Game Boy Color in 1998. Same size as the Game Boy Pocket, but instead of spinach-green graphics, the system was able to display multiple colors, even for the old monochrome games. A new batch of games that could take advantage of the color capabilities came out. I couldnt resist. I bought the second and third Game Boys, one for myself and one for my new wife, Stacy.

- A couple more years pass quietly before Nintendo drops the next bomb, the Game Boy Advance, in 2001. It had the capability of surpassing the Super Nintendos abilities, a new form factor, physically smaller games, and backwards compatibility. This thing had my name written all over it. I was dismayed by the craptastic display, though. Without perfect light, there was no way to see the on screen action. Being the retard I am, I even shipped my Advance to a fly-by-night company that promised to install a backlighting solution for a fee. I never saw that Game Boy again. By then, Nintendo had announced the follow up to the Game Boy Advance.

- The SP, released in 2003 (SP stands for SPECIAL, like me!) This was not only backlit, but it folded in half. I had to have one, and have one I did. That sucker could fit into my pocket with ease. Finally, a portable game system that could actually fit in my pocket! I was so cool. Nintendo had to remedy that situation.

- Along came the Game Boy DS in 2004. This behemoth eclipsed the Game Boy Pocket in size, almost giving the original Game Boy a run for its money. However, it was a clamshell design that when unfolded, revealed two screens (The DS stands for Dual Screen,) the lower screen being touch-sensitive. This opened up a whole new arena for stylus-driven games. Nerd heaven! Of course I bought one!

- Perhaps sensing the public dismay at the size of the DS, Nintendo reformed their Game Boy Advance into the Game Boy Micro in 2005. This tiny system could fit in a shirt pocket without showing.

- Sometime in 2005 Nintendo also improved the brightness of their Game Boy SPs. It was about this time that I attempted to subjugate the rest of my family into Nintendos Game Boy slave ring. See, first they pull you in, then they use you to convert new subjects. I bought Stacy a Game Boy DS and my two daughters their own Game Boy SPs.

- Just scant months later, Nintendo has done it again, this time with the Game Boy DS Lite. It is considerably smaller than the DS with considerably brighter screens.

None of this takes into account the many Game Boy accessories like the Game Boy players on the Super Nintendo and Gamecube. Like I said, theyre bastards. What do you think I did? I bought one of course. Yes, Im Nintendos b!@ch (but New Super Mario Bros. looks fantastiiiiiiic!)

Nintendo (Game Boy Division): 10

Scott: 0

PS. Thank you Wikipedia for the release dates and the tidbit on the Japanese Game Boy Light.

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