The Buyer's Remorse and Chocolate Fondue Fountains are of the Dev-il

Originally posted March 16, 2006

Taxes suck, but tax refunds are friggin' awesome. Stacy and Nicole finished our taxes on Wednesday, revealing that we would get more than enough money back to fund the trip to Disney World we'll be taking in October. This in turn freed up my bonus from last year which was pending approval from the Mistress of Finance to be blown on the purchase of a hefty laptop. Said laptop:

ORDER DETAIL
Order detail - order placed 2006-03-15 19:53:29

Inspiron E1705
Intel(r) CoreTM Duo Processor T2600 (2.16GHz/667MHz FSB), Genuine Windows(r) XP Media Center Edition 2005
Qty: 1
Unit Price: $4,054.00

Inspiron E1705

• Processor
  
  • Intel(r) CoreTM Duo Processor T2600 (2.16GHz/667MHz FSB)
  
  
• LCD Panel
  
  • 17 inch UltraSharpTM Wide Screen UXGA Display with TrueLifeTM
  
  
• Memory
  
  • 2GB Shared Dual Channel DDR2 SDRAM at 667MHz
  
  
• Video Card
  
  • 256MB ATI MOBILITYTM RADEON(r) X1400 HyperMemory
  
  
• Hard Drive
  
  • 80GB 7200RPM SATA Hard Drive
  
  
• Operating System (Office software not included)
  
  • Genuine Windows(r) XP Media Center Edition 2005
  
  
• Network Card
  
  • Integrated 10/100 Network Card and Modem
  
  
• Adobe Software
  
  • Adobe(r) Acrobat(r) Reader 6.0 So what?
  
  
• Combo/DVD RW Drives
  
  • 8x CD/DVD burner (DVD /-RW) with double-layer DVD R write capability
  
  
• Wireless Networking Cards
  
  • Dell Wireless 1390 802.11g Mini Card (54Mbps)
  
  
• Office Software (not included in Windows XP)
  
  • Microsoft Works Suite 2006- Includes MICROSOFT WORD plus much more!
  
  
• Anti-Virus/Security Suite (Pre-installed)
  
  • I chose McAfee included with the Starter, Silver, Gold or Platinum Package.
  
  
• Primary Battery
  
  • 80 WHr 9-cell Lithium Ion Primary Battery
  
  
• Carrying Cases
  
  • Large Backpack Carrying Case
  
  
• Hardware Warranty
  
  • 4Yr LtdWarr, At-Home,CompleteCare,30Day DOC,PC Training, 2Yr AntivirusSuite
  
  
• Dial-Up Internet Access
  
  • 6 Months of America Online Membership Included Can't get away from AOL
  
  
• Wireless Personal Networking Card
  
  • Dell Wireless 350 Bluetooth Internal(2.0 Enhanced Data Rate)
  
  
• Additional Battery
  
  • 80 WHr 9-cell Lithium Ion Additional Battery
  
  
• Operating System Re-Installation CD
  
  • Genuine Windows(r) XP Media Center 2005 Edition re-installation CD
  
  
• Dell Digital Entertainment
  
  • Starter Entertainment Pack - Basic digital Music, Photo and Game experience
  
  
• SAVE $150 (After mail in rebate) w GOLD BUNDLE which includes 4Yr Limited Warranty, 4Yr At-Home Service, 4Yr
  • Hardware Warranty Support, 4Yr CompleteCare, 90 day Training and 30 day HelpDesk How-to Assistance
    
  • Expires on 2006-12-01 12:59:59
  
  
• Dell EPP/FSS Customers: Save 20ff select Inspiron systems!
  
  • Expires on 2006-03-16 12:59:59
    
  • - $810.80 Oh Yeaaas!
  
  
• Creative Labs CB2530 Digital Wireless Headphones w/ Bluetooth
  
  • Qty: 1
    
  • Unit Price: $100.00
  
  
• Logitech MX1000 Laser Cordless Mouse
  
  • Qty: 1
    
  • Unit Price: $80.00
  
  
• ADDITIONAL DISCOUNTS AND COUPONS
  
  • Dell EPP and FSS Customers: Free ground shipping on select Inspiron systems.
    
  • Expires on 2006-03-16 12:59:00
    
  • - $49.00 All right!
    
  • EPP/FSS Customers: Free Ground Shipping on all E&A orders over $49.
    
  • Expires on 2006-03-23 12:59:59
    
  • - $8.00 Every little bit, right?
    
  • Time Warner Employees receive additional 5iscount system price $449 (before tax, shipping & handling)
    
  • Expires on 2006-04-29 04:59:59
    
  • - $150.62 Mm-hm, that's right.
    
  • Dell program members receive 12 off systems priced $1600 and up with 3/4 yr At-Home service.
  • Congratulations, you are receiving the maximum member discount.
    
  • Expires on 2006-09-26 22:59:59
    
  • - $410.78 Hallelujah!

Sub-Total: $2,861.80
Shipping Discount: -$57.00 Little bit at the end.
Shipping: $0.00
Tax: $140.63
Total: $3,002.43 Ohhh, now I have the Buyer's Remorse.

Ah well. Once I receive the laptop (4-5 days after the proposed ship date of 4/4/2006) I will probably forget all about the vast amount of money I spent on it. That is, until Stacy reminds me again. That's alright though, I'll seek solace in the cold glow of my 17 inch UltraSharpTM Wide Screen UXGA Display with TrueLifeTM display. Ye be a harsh mistress, hardware upgrade.

In retrospect, I wish I had taken pictures of our continuing struggle against the evil chocolate fondue fountain. There were a couple industrial strength fondue fountains at our last company party. I could hardly tear my nine-month-pregnant Stacy away from them. When we found a smaller version at the local Wally's World, we snagged it thinking of the endless nights of cascading chocolate over delectable dippables. Chocolatefalls of tasty goodness drizzling over sumptuous treats. We bought a big bag of chocolate chips (Works with any type of chocolate! the garishly bright package boasts) and a few things to dip.

Can you hear it cackling with its metalic, evil laugh?

• Day One:
  
  
  
  1. First try: Scott ineptly burns the chocolate in the microwave, filling the kitchen with a faintly pleasing yet contradictingly offensive odor and proving that he should not be allowed in the kitchen alone.
     
  2. Second try: Stacy melts the chocolate successfully in the microwave with the cup of vegetable oil (UGH!) that the instructions suggest. Scott contemplates the deviousness of the fountain, inserting such an unappetizing ingredient in the actual instructions. Mixture is too thick for the auger, rendering the small motor in the base useless as it buzzes impotently until turned off. Scott adds more oil to thin the mixture. The oil causes an unforseen chemical reaction, creating instant chocolate paste. Stacy adds increasing amounts of milk to thin the chocolate. Milk cools and thins the chocolate so much that it runs down the teirs with no sheeting and will not adhere to any of the dipping items. We succeeded in making chocolate milk. We have experienced defeat on the first day.
     
  
  
• Day Two:
  
  
  
  3. Third try: Scott buys 10 bars of Cadbury Milk Chocolate, operating on the principle that the higher cocoa butter content translates into less added vegetable oil. Scott and Nicole melt chocolate in double boiler. Chocolate still too thick. Nicole adds butter, operating on the principle that it tastes better than vegetable oil. Chocolate seems to thicken(!) more. Scott adds milk, same unforseen chemical reaction as with the added oil in the second attempt. Chocolate congeals into something resembling what my dog does a few hours after he gets into the trash. Nicole proclaims it fudge. Disposed into double-bagged grocery sack (will not record what Nicole did with said bag.)
     
  4. Fourth try: Scott melts remaining Cadbury bars with no additions. Chocolate still too thick for the auger. Stacy heats some milk to prevent the previous congealing. Unsuccessful, chocolate congeals instantly on contact with heated milk.
     
  5. Fifth try: Scott places remaining heated milk over double boiler and melts chocolate chips slowly until mixture seems thin enough. Mixture is amazingly smooth. Chocolate is still too thick for auger. Stacy pours vegetable oil into mix (ugh!) Appears moderately successful, chocolate moves up through auger, but still will not sheet over teirs. Nicole adds more oil. Still no sheeting. Chocolate tastes and smells of vegetable oil (ugh!) Attempt devolves into rejected science project after Nicole dumps half a large bottle of vegetable oil into mix. Vegetable oil drips off of chocolate dangling from teirs and seperates in the base. Appetite ruined, day two goes to the fountain.
     
  
  
• Day Three
  
  
  
  6. Sixth try: Stacy purchases more Cadbury chocolate. Scott melts one bar with 3/4 cups of shortening, operating on the same principle as the added butter in the third try. Scott and Stacy slowly add more chocolate bars until viscosity is just right. Seeming success! Chocolate runs up auger and drips down teirs. After a few minutes, top teir begins to sheet, bottom teir continues to drip. Scott and Stacy commence dipping. Chocolate tastes faintly of shortening. After a few more minutes, bottom teir sheets intermittently. Mixture seems to need further thickening. Scott melts another Cadbury bar and adds it slowly after cooled to the same temperature. Continue to dip, ignoring shortening flavor. Bottom does not fully sheet. Scott goes to double boiler to melt another bar. Meanwhile, Stacy reports that mixture is thickening on its own. Scott completes melting, returns to fountain to find the chocolate cooled and thickened so much that the auger had stopped. Fountain retreats, day is declared a draw.

Don't believe the pictures, chocolate does not do that.

We have saved the remaining chocolate for another day. I think with a little more thinning agent it will work continuously. The onboard heater is supposed to allow the chocolate to continue to flow after being added to the fountain. We are ordering some cocoa butter online for authentic chocolate flavored thinning. We will emerge victorious in the end!

[small, evil, metallic voice] You will never experience this chocolaty nirvana!