Secondary Thoughts on Spider-Man 3 (Or, Only Read This If You Are Bored)

Stacy and I caught Spider-Man 3 again this Monday. Our chiropractor, who is also a friend, and his wife wanted to double, so we agreed to see it again. I went expecting to catch some little things that I missed in the first viewing. I didn’t. Either there really isn’t anything there to catch or I’m too dim-witted to catch (I know at least one reader would agree with the latter, and he’s a bastard.)

So I really don’t have any further thoughts about the movie in particular that I didn’t touch upon in my other post. Instead, I thought I’d examine the various treatments that Spidey’s villains have received. I’ll try to avoid spoilers for anyone that has not seen the third installment yet. (What’s wrong with you?)

First up, is Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin. In the comics, Norman proved himself to be perhaps Spider-Man’s greatest foe. He menaced Peter Parker and his family for years, being one of the select few (in the comics, that is) that knew Peter’s secret identity. Even after he died, his evil influence has colored Spider-Man’s life, the least of which was killing his first love, Gwen Stacy, near the beginning of his crime-fighting career.

How did ole Normie fare in the movies? Not nearly so well. He hits his stride with his unnatural obsession with Peter early on. However, he is killed long before he can truly terrorize Parker or his family and friends. His death does have a lasting impact on the next three movies, so that is something, I guess.

Next up is Otto Octavius, Doctor Octopus. Poor Otto was a socially inept nuclear scientist before the accident that granted him his extra four limbs. He has never really amounted to much in the comics. Sure, he’s been around forever. He’s cropped up in too many Spidey stories to count, but Spider-Man rarely has that much trouble with him. For me, one of Doc Ock’s greatest weaknesses is his motivation, or lack thereof. I’m really not sure what his goal is. He is constantly stealing money, robbing banks, etc., supposedly to pay for more experiments. Why? Purely scientific pursuits? To gain the acceptance of his “peers”? To prove something to himself? It seems like he has hit on all of those and more throughout his career. The lack of a concrete motive weakens the character. For example, in the comics, Green Goblin had his obsession with Parker and Venom has his intense hatred of Parker.

Otto got somewhat better treatment in the movie than comics. He is married, for one thing, and a socially accepted scientist with the respect of his peers. Only after the accident does that go downhill. Even then, Doc Ock redeems himself by the end in a heroic sacrifice to stop the nuclear fusion chain reaction he started. It first occurred to me here that if the creators of the movies continued killing off Spidey’s main villains, he’d have no one left to fight.

Now we have the third (and final?) installment of the movies, with not one, not two, but three super villains for Spider-Man to fight!

Harry Osborn had a cursed life in the comics. His dad was the infamous Green Goblin, which led to Harry’s mental instability. Before that, he was Peter’s best, and at times, only friend. The poor guy eventually cracks and follows in his father’s footsteps. That tragedy of Harry is that he regains his sanity long enough to marry and have a child before the family insanity led him to poison his body with Norman’s Goblin chemical concoction once again. This time proved fatal, even though he had just enough will power to break free to save Peter and MJ.

Does all of that sound familiar? Raimi compressed most of that into Harry’s scenes throughout the three movies. I ain’t speaking about whether Raimi followed the story right to the end. You’ll have to watch the movie to see which way he went with that.

How about Sandman? In the comics, Sandman was just a plain rotten thug. His origin is much as it is presented in the movie, if a little updated for this timeframe. In the comics, Sandman’s thuggish personality was shaped by a bad home life growing up supplemented by hard times. While he did go good for a little while, he later returned to his roots and is still a super powered thug. His motives in the comics don’t really amount to much, but since he has never been presented as anything more than a thug, they really aren’t necessary for a story.

Raimi seems to like people to sympathize with his characters, no matter if they are good or bad. You can’t really sympathize much with the comic’s Sandman, so Raimi added an element of tragedy to the character. Now, he is motivated by his daughter’s illness. A noble cause, if a bit contrived. He is also implicated in a traumatic experience in Peter’s life, that way Spidey has more of a reason to clean his clock than just defeating a criminal. Again, I’m not going to give away what happens to Sandman in the course of the movie. Does he die, does he live? Will Raimi kill off another one of Spidey’s villains? Go watch the movie!

The final villain making the cross is Venom. In the comics, the alien symbiote portion of the villain found Spidey on a different planet. I won’t go into the details here. Spidey enjoys the extra freedom the new suit allows, including the ability to morph into street clothes and unlimited webbing from the tops of his hands rather than refillable web shooters from the bottom of his wrists. He eventually discovers that the suit is a symbiote and not a good one at that. He also discovers, through the aid of Reed Richards of Fantastic Four fame, that the symbiote is susceptible to sonic attack. He rids himself of the suit in a church bell tower, forever earning the alien’s malice. As for the other half of Venom, Eddie Brock, he hated Spider-Man for ruining his journalist career and his home life through the course of Spidey’s heroing. The symbiote found him considering suicide in the very church Spider-Man had rid himself of it. Bonded by their mutual hatred of Spider-Man and having the ability to bypass his spider-sense, Venom went on to become a major villain for the poor web slinger. An uneasy truce was eventually formed between the two until Brock revealed he was dying from cancer and sold the symbiote to the highest bidder. Venom’s current status is another story altogether. Brock, however, is no longer involved.

The cinematic version of Venom follows the comics as close as possible while maintaining the necessary brevity required for the format. Instead of finding the symbiote on another planet, (who wants to deal with the extra footage that would require?) the symbiote falls to the Earth in a meteor shower and hitches a ride home with Parker. Brock is motivated by a hatred of Parker instead of Spider-Man, but for the same general reason. Naturally, we aren’t going to see any truces form in the short amount of time available in a movie, nor are we going to see a slow killer like cancer change Brock’s outlook. However, does Raimi kill Venom in this movie, following in the tradition established by the first two? Go watch the damn movie already and find out for yourself!

Raimi (obviously with the assistance of the screenwriters and other crew) did a decent job of adapting the stories from the comics to the big screen. Most of the changes made to the characters are understandable given the difference between the rich histories established by years of storytelling in the comics and the need to show an engaging piece in a limited amount of time that also appeals to audiences of all types. Those of you that have watched the movies (and suffered through this extremely long post) tell me what you think of Raimi’s treatments of the characters, especially how he left them off at the ends of the movies and the future directions he has available if more movies are made.

I command it!

Will Ferrelly Goodness

Just wanted to drop a couple of Ferrell videos, cuz I love em.


The Landlord


Third Date

Mandatory fun activities. Funtivities!

What can I say about last night’s episode of The Office? I laughed through it all. Here’s a brief synopsis for you. Michael Scott applies for a job at HQ in New York. In order to choose his successor, he holds the Beach Games. The winner will get his job, because naturally he’s a dead lock for the NY job. Hilarity ensues.

Everyone hit their marks throughout the show. Meredith, to show how prepared she was, shows off the bathing suit she wore under her clothes – only she forgot she put it in her purse (Mardi-Gras moment, anyone?)

Stanley shows his enthusiastic side for a few minutes when he realizes he’d rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than anyone else in the office.

Stanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.

Andy shows his outlet for his barely-contained rage after losing one contest.

Andy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! (skips stone on water.)
Mallard: QUACK!

Kelly, the cause of his frustration, shows us just how clueless she is.

Kelly: Who’s Bob Hope?
Michael: God! He’s, he’s a comedian.
Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Michael: Who’s Amanda Bynes?
Kelly: She’s from What A Girl Wants.
Michael: Oh, I love that movie.

Dwight shows his extremely competitive nature.

Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say “sandwich”?
Dwight: No, I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying … sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

Angela shows what a duplicitous b!@#$ she is.

Andy: Go tell them I’m floating away, obviously!
Angela: I don’t understand what you want from me.
Andy: Angela, it’s pretty simple. Look at what I’m doing, and go tell somebody it!
Angela: Sorry! Bye, Andy!
Andy: Angela!

Oscar shows us that he’s still placidly offended by Michael’s constant stereotypical comments.

Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar: I don’t wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael: Well, you can’t swim in leather pants. (Laughs) I’m just yankin’ your chain. Not literally.

Kevin shows his true nature.

Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Pam shows us her meek submissive side. Or does she? More on that later.

Pam: There’s nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh … diligent note-taking.

Jim shows his maddening ability to needle Dwight.

Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight: He who must not be named? I wouldn’t do that.
Jim: Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort …

Poor Toby shows us just how pitiful he is with barely any lines, but the hound dog look he has mastered.

Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory, that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it … then it’ll suck.

Creed shows us his disgusting side (when does he not?) after hand catching a fish and devouring it raw.

Creed: Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!

Michael Scott shows us that he’s just Michael Scott.

Michael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.
Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.
Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he’s classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don’t really trust him.

Karen and Phyllis really didn’t have many lines. They’re there, and that’s about it. Besides, the big news of this episode comes after Pam conjures the courage to walk across burning coals. Since it’s the day after the episode aired and I don’t want to spoil anything for late-comers, I’ll just link to www.officetally.com‘s quote page if you want to read it yourself (thanks, officetally.com!) It’s Pam’s last quote.

Suffice it to say that the Pam/Jim/Karen triangle is about to heat up. I think the finale next week will set the tone for the relationship for the next season if not settle the triangle for good.

Kudos goes to the entire cast as well as director Harold Ramis. I knew Egon would make good! While I gave you plenty of quotes, none of them give away anything vital. If you haven’t watched the episode yet, then get to it! It’s well worth the ½ hour.

Spider-Man 3, Was It Good?

Jon, Stacy, and I went to see Spider-Man 3 Tuesday. Unlike most everyone I have talked to so far, Jon and I liked it (Stacy did not.) The complaints I have heard generally fall into three categories.

1. Three villains and the Parker/Watson romance was too much to fit into one movie.
2. Too much angst and tears from every character
3. The acting was bad

I won’t deny the first claim. The Flint Marko/Sandman sequences were great, especially for Thomas Haden Church’s performance (take that, bad acting claim!) But the long sandman-less portion in the middle made his reappearance feel almost like an afterthought. His struggle to regain form after the accident that grants his powers was especially stirring.

The Venom storyline took the most time to develop as we had to see Peter discover the symbiote, go bananas like Clark Kent on red K, and get rid of the suit as well as Eddie Brock’s rise and fall before inheriting the symbiote and declaring war on Parker. I will say that Tobey Maguire’s red kryptonite scenes were the most entertaining of the movie. Raimi played them for laughs as Peter sauntered through the scense like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. The Pete-Wentz-inspired emo look may have been a bit much, but it got the point across. Still, it showed Maguire’s range to do the two sides of Peter (another nail in the bad acting coffin!)

The Harry/Goblin storyline could have been better. James Franco was pretty bad ass in his bad ass black super gear and his bad ass new glider with his bad ass glowing green sword and his bad ass pumpkin toys. That made the lapse into retardation just sad. I know, Harry wasn’t really mentally challenged after the first battle, but those of you that have seen it have to admit, every time he opened his mouth after that he looked Rachel ReRay. I expected what happened with him by the end because of how closely the Spider-Man movies have mirrored the comics, but I would have rather seen it play out differently. I’m not going to spoil anything for people that haven’t watched it yet, though.

Was it too much in for one movie? Probably. I think Raimi could have done it much more justice by paring out at least one villain. However, for working within the constraints, it was very well played. Besides the lack of Sandman in the middle of the movie, the separate plot-lines were woven together masterfully. This is especially true in the romance between Peter and Mary Jane. It is affected by two of the three villains, so the scenes did more to progress the overall plot than just spotlight their relationship as a fourth cumbersome story.

Naturally, any romance adds a certain amount of angst into the story. However, this is not only the norm for the Peter Parker from the comics, but expected! The only comic with more angst, self doubt, and off-and-on-again romances is X-Men, and they have a much bigger cast to play with. I don’t mind a bit of the weepiness from Parker or Watson. As for Church’s Sandman, that is to be expected as well. His character is a tortured soul, in the wrong place at the wrong time and only trying to do right by the one he cares about. I’d be shocked if that situation didn’t produce a couple of tears from ole’ Sandy. What about Eddie Brock? His life was ruined by Parker, why wouldn’t there be angst? How about Harry? Not only does he believe Peter Parker, his best friend, killed his father, but he goes through a harrowing experience or two as he’s haunted by his father’s ghost and comes to terms with reality. One order of angst with a side of grief, please! If you’ve got a problem with the angst, then you’ve got a problem with the source material. If you’ve got a problem with the source material, why are you watching the movie in the first place?

That leaves bad acting. Well, what are you going to do? This is an ensemble cast, and as all ensembles go, there are weak players and strong players. It generally ends up in a balance. Maguire and Church turn in great performances as the dual nature Parker and the tortured Sandman respectively. Grace had some great lines and you could really feel his character in the Brock scenes. Rosemary Harris is always a joy to watch as Aunt May. J.K. Simmons could play J. Jonah Jameson for the rest of his career and I would happily watch every second. I only noticed two weak links. James Franco’s portrayal of the amnesiac Harry was one. He was great for the rest of his scenes. The other was Kirsten Dunst’s third time as Mary Jane. Dunst is alright. I don’t hate her as much as the writer of What Would Tyler Durden Do does, but I don’t like her that much. She just doesn’t hit on the right chord for a believable MJ. It’s sad, but a simple fact of the Spider-Man movie franchise. She was no worse than in the other two movies. Where does that leave us for acting? More good than bad in my book.

I should note that all this was about performances and story. A huge factor of the Spider-Man movies is the action. What is Spider-Man without someone to fight? He did not disappoint in this movie. The Sandman fights were great as Spidey struggled to adapt to Marko’s powers. Parker’s fights with Harry were fantastic. However, the grand finale battle royale was a sight to behold. CGI or not, the moves were Spider-Man all the way and intensely satisfying.

Spider-Man 3 is a summer blockbuster. It’s not for the Oscars, it’s for the action flick fans, for the comic book fans, and for those who want to escape the drudgery of a superpowerless world. As all three of the above, I was thoroughly entertained.

I give Spider-Man 3 three and a half spider webs on a scale that I just made up that doesn’t mean anything.

I know the crap out of women

Two weeks later and two knee-slapping episodes of The Office have come and gone. Last night’s Beach Games was classic Michael Scott, but first: Women’s Appreciation.

Just the title makes you wince a little knowing Michael Scott’s warped sense of what is appropriate. Even before watching I knew the episode would be rife with off-color comments couched in well-meaning by Michael and unabashed, if unaware, misogyny by Dwight. I wasn’t wrong.

Things start off in their usual way, with Jim tormenting Dwight. This time there’s a twist. Dwight tries to start it, but Jim handily finishes it.

Jim: Oh, what’s this?
Dwight: That is a demerit.
Jim (reading paper): “Jim Halpert, tardiness.” Oh, I love it already.
Dwight: You’ve got to learn, Jim, you’re second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh I understand. And, I also have lots of questions. Like what does a demerit mean?
Dwight: Let’s put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight: Three demerits, and you’ll receive a citation.
Jim: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight: Oh it is serious. Five citations, and you’re looking at a violation. Four of those, and you’ll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you’re looking at a written warning. Two of those, that’ll land you in a world of hurt. In the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight: That is correct.
Jim: Okay, I want a copy on my desk, by the end of the day, or you will receive a full disadulation.
Dwight: What’s a dis … what’s that?
Jim: Oh, you don’t want to know.

After the titles, we find out that a rather unsavory character has exposed himself to Phyllis and no, it wasn’t Creed. In a surprising show of solidarity, the entire office consoles Phyllis. The entire office, that is, except for Michael. In his customary manner of insensitivity, Michael bags on Phyllis for a few minutes to the complete horror and/or disgust of the rest of his staff.

Michael: Um … I mean, did he even see Pam? Or, uh, Karen from behind?
Kevin: I’m guessing not.
Michael: Okay, masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus?
Toby: I don’t think laughing about it is an appropriate response.
Michael: Prove it. Let’s see your penis.
Michael: You know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.

What was with the circus comment, anyway? So, to prove he is really a sensitive guy, Michael declares it Women’s Appreciation Day. How to celebrate? Why you take all those of the weaker sex to the place they love best, the mall!

Do they discuss women’s issues at the mall in an open and comfortable manner? No, not really. Although Michael gives it the good old college try.

Michael: Mmm, what is a Pap smear? Or is it “schmear”? Like … the cream cheese.
Pam: Okay, new topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?
Kelly: Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But uh, sometimes awesome.

Things quickly devolve from there as Michael blurts out some very uncomfortable comments about his relationship with Jan.

Michael: I like cuddling and spooning, and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Pam: Omigod.
Michael: And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
Karen: That is not healthy behavior.
Michael: No, it’s not that bad. The worst part is, that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.

Wow.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, oops, sorry, wrong show. Meanwhile, back at the office, the guys discover the gleaming mecca that is the women’s bathroom. The spacious lavatory comes replete with lounging sofas and magazines. Why not?

At the mall, Michael is working through his issues with Jan. To thank the girls, Michael magnanimously offers to buy them something, anything. Anything from Victoria’s Secret, that is. For some reason, Angela doesn’t take him up on the offer.

Michael: You don’t want anything? My treat. Some panties or … pick a thong or … G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any, it just, you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.

Once he’s back at the office, Michael decides to deal with the whole Jan thing, with his girl posse to back him up. Unfortunately, she’s not answering her phone. What does Michael do? The classy thing, of course.

Michael (leaving voicemail for Jan): Hey, Jan, it’s me. Michael. I’m just calling to say that I think we need a little break. Permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I wanna remain friends. Or at least, business associates who get along. Oh just so you know, it’s not me, it’s you. Okay, buddy. Somebody just walked in, I have to go. Um, so I’ll talk to you later.

In walks Jan to apologize for an earlier phone call in person, only to receive the message while there. You can guess how that goes.

Not a whole lot happened on the Pam/Jim/Karen front in this episode. Pam shoots Karen a couple of sad looks as the latter picks out some saucy underwear to wear for Jim. Worry not, though. Major developments in the next episode!

This was a good episode, albeit one full of uncomfortable moments. I found myself averting my eyes during the most embarrassing scenes. What's up with that? It's not like anyone I'm watching knows I'm being courteous by not witnessing their shame. I've got issues.

Once again, thanks to www.officetally.com for the excellent quotes! I leave you with Michael Scott’s profound wisdom.

Michael: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. ‘Cause they are un-understandable. There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain. “Michael, how can you appreciate women so much, but also dump one of them?” You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well maybe I learned something from women after all.

Why Audio Books Need Hollywood Casts

I’m listening to Eldest, Christopher Paolini’s sequel to Eragon on audio CD in my car. The same fellow that did the Eragon audio book narrates it. He’s got a British accent, which is usually a pleasure for me to hear. It would be now, if it weren’t for his inane affectations.

I am all for doing voices when narrating books. I do them for my daughters when I read bedtime stories. It’s fun and adds an extra element to the experience. Not so for Gerald Doyle, the narrator of Paolini’s books. This guy ends up sounding like a bad actor experimenting with different voices. His voice for Saphira, the protaginist’s dragon companion sounds like Ludo from Labyrinth. Keep in mind that Saphira is a female dragon voiced by Rachel Weisz in the movie adaptation. He gravels his voice for every dwarf in the story in such a contrived manner that it manages to shatter what little illusion the normal narration manages to create. I don’t even want to start on how annoying it is when he speaks the ridiculous dwarven that Paolini wrote. It’s gotten to the point that I will fast forward rather than hear him slurring out the words like he has a throat full of rocks.

I bring this up as an example of what seems to be a general trend in audio books. A complete disregard for the spirit of the books seems to be the norm in the industry. I have listened to many narrated novelizations during my daily commutes. Some are good, such as every Terry Pratchett novel narrated by Tony Robinson or the Series of Unfortunate Events read by Tim Curry.

That is one that frustrates me to no end. The first few of Lemony Snickett’s books were narrated by one of my favorite actors and voice over artists, the legendary Tim Curry. For some insane reason that totally eludes me and I’m too lazy to research, the Powers That Be decided to let the author of the books narrate the next few. He is horrible. His lispy voice rattles a monotone narrative through his own work as if he could care less if people enjoy the experience. What’s wrong with these people?

The best-case solution would be to hire a real cast of voice talent for every character in the book. I’m not talking about audio book narrators either, they generally suck. I guess you can’t expect much from a group of people that can’t hack it in the world of television and movie voice acting. I mean real voice-over talent, preferably with some star power. The talents and skills that make a good actor easily extend into voice-over work. Granted, hiring big-name talent, especially a whole cast, is not a very practical solution. Even a single actor worth the title narrating a book would be better than most of the narrators I have heard. At the very least, audio book companies could dip into the huge talent pool of standard voice actors that do cartoons and other popular media work. Even the standard Saturday morning voices are miles above most of the audio book narrators in the scale of talent and skill.

So there. You heard me, audio book industry! Now go forth and do my bidding! Fire the worthless hacks and get some real talent to read the books! Now, for my next trick, I will force comic book editors to maintain continuity across the board.

Insert Lame Pun Featuring the Word "Next" Here

Stacy and I decided to catch a movie last night after work. I am so used to seeing matinees and movies on weekdays that I often forget who goes to movies on Friday nights. Chiefly, a bunch of kids. I watched as date after date purchased tickets for Disturbia. Each boy hoping that the scary movie will land him some first or second base action. Man am I glad I don’t have to do that anymore. Speaking of Disturbia, the current viewing sold out as I sat waiting for Stacy. Good thing we were going to see Next instead. I was surprised at the lack of patrons when we entered the theater. I’m thinking that Disturbia will beat Next in this weekend’s box office fight. Ah well, no biggie.

Next stars Nick Cage as a Las Vegas magician, Cris Johnson (stage name Frank Cadillac,) that just happens to have the ability to see two minutes into the future as long as it involves him. Julianne Moore plays the hard-ass FBI agent, Callie Ferris, who somehow knows about this ability (even though Cris keeps it private,) and wants to recruit him to track down a rogue Russian nuclear bomb. Jessica Biel plays Cris’ love interest, Liz, who is the first to break the basic premise of the movie because Cris saw her in his mind days in advance of meeting her. No real reason to mention anyone else except for Peter Falk, who I thought was dead and coincidentally looks like he’s on his last legs. His part as friend/father/roommate/fence/gay lover, (the movie wasn’t too clear on their relationship,) Irv, was short, but it was good seeing Columbo back on the big screen even for a few moments.

I liked the movie. It was entertaining. It did, however, have plot holes you could drive a truck through. For example, how did the FBI agent know about Cris’s talents and that they were genuine? How did the Russians smuggle a nuclear weapon into the country? Oh, that’s right, they had a friggin’ army on the docks. How did they create a well-armed militia in a Los Angeles dock without anyone noticing? Why did the Russians smuggle a nuclear weapon into the country? Why do they want to detonate it in downtown LA? Isn’t the cold war over? Were they part of a terrorist group of some sort? What was their agenda? How do they know the FBI is after Cris in an effort to foil their plot? Why do they pursue him with a single-mindedness bordering on obsessive when they presumably don’t even know what he can do? Why is Callie such a cold-hearted bitch? (Okay, that’s not a plot hole so much as a complaint about the stereotype the director shoe-horned Moore into.) Lastly, why set up a premise involving a strict time limit on Cris’ prescient ability and then blow it out of the water in the last five minutes of the movie?

The plot holes are really the only complaint I have about the movie. It had some great scenes that kept me engaged the entire time. It wasn’t until I looked back that I thought of the gaps in the story. Cris’ prescience set up some great chase scenes, such as the high-speed drive through the streets of Las Vegas. We get to see Cris demolished by a train in an unsuccessful attempt to cross the tracks, only to pan back to the road where Cris is gunning towards the tracks in reality. This time, he punches the gas harder and makes it by the paint on his bumper. Another thrilling chase scene takes place during a man-made landslide as he evades the FBI. Good stuff right until the end. My favorite scene (besides Jessica Biel dripping wet in a towel,) involved Cris using his power in a way that reminded me much of Jamie Madrox, the Multiple Man of X-Men comics and X-Men: The Last Stand. We get to see him using his ability to choose diverging paths during his two-minute window. The result is 20-30 Nick Cages on screen poking around a deathtrap to find his love. Good stuff.

While not Nick Cage’s (or the supporting cast’s,) best work, this was a solid entry in the otherwise lackluster movie releases of the past couple of weeks. It is also notable that the original story, The Golden Man, was written by Philip K. Dick, author of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (Blade Runner) among other Hollywood-adapted stories.

I give Next two and a half fortune cookies on a scale that I just made up that doesn’t mean anything.

May I Point Out That the Sex Appeared To Be Consensual; Both Animals Were Smiling

Another fine episode of The Office aired this week. So many great lines, so little desire to turn this blog into a mirror of officetally.com. Still, I must share some. For example, this episode featured perhaps the most entertaining prank Jim has played on Dwight yet. First, the setup: Jim walks in to the Office carrying wearing a yellow shirt and a bad tie with his hair combed just like Dwight’s. Then, after sitting down stiffly, he squints at his screen and pulls out a large pair of glasses, just like Dwight’s.

Jim: Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question …
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought …
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

The hilarity of the episode could have ended there and I would have still reached my quota of laughs, but no, things went further.

It seems that our favorite amoral skeeve, Creed, failed to fulfill his duties as quality control and let slip a large batch of paper with an unseemly watermark.

Michael: We have a crisis. Apparently a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24-pound cream letter stock. 500 boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan.

There were some great Creed moments, including his horrifying detective work to locate an “escape goat” to his subsequent collection of goodbye money for the hapless employee, which he promptly pocketed, naturally. Ah Creed, you rascal!

Besides Creed’s machinations, we got to see two other stories play out. First, we find that Andy is an unknowing pedophile. Best I don’t spoil that one for those of you that haven’t seen it. Suffice it to say that it involves a two-page ad in the yearbook that says, “Good luck!” and a stirring rendition of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.”

The other plot focuses on Michael Scott’s rapid devolution from a responsible apologist to a ranting quasi-psycho delivering a videotaped ultimatum.

Michael: If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn’t me. They are trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to god, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.
Pam: One day for what?
Michael: That’s — they always give an ultimatum.

Kelly also had her brief time in the sunshine as Michael assigned the accounting staff to her department, customer service. If you know Kelly from this season, then you know how the training session with Kevin, Oscar, and Angela went.

Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly: Okay, Angela. I love your enthusiasm! All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say, “Customer Service, this is Kelly,” except don’t say Kelly. Say your own name. Or if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, (British accent) and I talked like this for the whole conversation.
Kevin: Oooh, can I be … (awkward accent) Australian, mate?
Kelly: Absolutely!
Kevin: ‘ello … mate.
Kelly: I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend.
Kevin: I like ice cream, too, mate. Alli-ga-tors, and dingo babies.

There is a great deleted scene featuring Kelly and Angela up at NBC’s The Office Web site.

No action on the Karen/Jim/Pam front, and that is find by me. The show isn’t about them, after all, not wholly at least. It was nice to see all the interactions between the other characters in the place of more romantic plot development. I’m sure we’ll see things come to a head (that’s what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!) before the end of the season, which is three short weeks away. New episodes right up to the end!

As always, a big thanks to the fine folks at http://www.officetally.com/the-office-product-recall for the excellent work on quotes from the latest episodes!

I Demand a Refund, I Never Met the Robinsons!

As is our wont, Stacy and I decided to take the girls to the latest Disney computer animated movie last week, Meet the Robinsons. The local theaters offered this one in Disney Digital 3D. Scarlett is a bit young to wear the glasses, so we dropped her off at a sitter. I love Scarlett, but it was a whole new experience going to a movie with the girls that are old enough to enjoy it.
I don’t go to these movies expecting to be blown away by their cinematic excellence, thought-provoking scripts, fantastic plots, or even special effect. I usually figure I’ll get a few laughs out of the jokes they put in for the adults and enjoy a night out with the family.

This movie made me cry. I ain’t too proud or ashamed to admit that touching moments in movies get me choked up. You give me a movie about a lonely orphan obsessed with finding his mom who “is the only person who wants me,” and is whisked to the future to meet the perfect family that actually wants him to stay, but then he finds out he is the family patriarch, so he has to go back to his dismal life at the orphanage until he makes his family the old-fashioned way, and I’m going to tear up a bit. Oops, spoiler alert.

Besides the frequent tear-jerking scenes, the movie entertained with plenty of frenetic action and visual gags. Mrs. Robinson’s singing frogs were great. Their leader, Franky, did a perfect impression of Old Blue Eyes right down to the questionable good fellas connection. Of course, there’s the T-Rex scene from the previews, still funny even after the pre-release trailer blitz.

I was surprised to hear Adam West’s voice, but amused to see him as a heroic pizza delivery uncle. I’m a fan of Harland Williams as a comedian, but the visuals of his robot character in the movie were too distracting to find his performance entertaining. The joke of having Cornelius voiced by Tom Selleck would be lost to anyone that hasn’t seen the movie, but it was funny. There were a few other real actors mixed in with the voice over artists, but none that really set themselves apart with fantastic (or dismal) performances.

As far as kids movies go, this was a good one. There is enough humor in it to keep adults interested, not to mention the complex concepts surrounding an orphan story. There is plenty of action, sight gags, and eye candy for the kids, too.

I give this one three out of four bowls of orphan soup on a scale I just made up that doesn’t mean anything.

Can You Ever Truly Be Safe in an Office?

Because of a late bedtime for the girls, Stacy and I got to this week’s installment of The Office a day late, but the time did not diminish the funny. You could almost feel Michael Scott’s feelings of inadequacy as he strived to take center role in Darryl’s warehouse safety training.

Darryl: Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift?
Michael: I can and I have.
Darryl: No no no no no no. I said should you? You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift. You understand?
Lonny: You’re not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl: It’s not safe. You don’t have a license.
Michael: Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge: Madge.
Michael: I thought your name was Pudge.
Madge: No, it’s always been Madge.
Michael: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl: Her. Yes, her is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael: Fine.
Darryl: Do you understand that?
Michael: Yesh.

It made it even funnier when he attempted to prove how dangerous office work was. An ill-advised stray comment from Pam inspires the fearless (and clueless) Michael to demonstrate a suicide attempt from depression. It doesn’t sound funny until you consider his “safety measures”. The first attempt, a trampoline, was nixed when their “test watermelon” proved that bouncing from a trampoline onto Stanley’s car could be messy. I would have loved to see Stanley’s reaction when he saw the melony carnage spattered across his roof. That particular failure led to a great bit with Dwight “unshunning” and “reshunning” Andy repeatedly so he could communicate with the ostracized coworker.

Dwight: I’m temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: Means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Andy: Anything.
Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight: What do you think? You’ve got an hour.
Andy: I’m gonna need petty cash.
Dwight: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

Andy got Michael a moon bounce castle to soften his landing. A moon bounce castle that was at least 20 feet away from the edge of the building. As Jim and Pam took odds on whether this was a serious suicide attempt (10000 to 1 against,) they realized that regardless, Michael Scott was going to kill himself to make a point.

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

I loved seeing the transition from safety training to true suicidal depression as everyone tried to talk Michael down. Not even Jim and Pam could keep straight faces as Darryl lauded Michael for how brave he was for waking up everyday knowing he had to be himself.

Darryl: What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely, Jan, man. It’s goin’ good, right?
Michael: It’s complicated with Jan. And I don’t know where I stand or what I want. The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael: You really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I ain’t that strong and I ain’t that brave.
Michael: I’m braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come on down, okay?
Michael: Okay. Pam, I’m coming down to get my present.

So who is the hero? Michael Scott, of course! Who else could get across the message, which was totally the plan all along, right?

Michael: I saved a life — my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.

As for the Pam/Jim/Karen triangle, I found myself oddly conflicted this week. I have been steadily behind Karen since she hit the scene (if ya know what I mean ::wink::) but this week I seriously considered the Jim/Pam possibilities again. Maybe it was Pam’s participation in the escalating office pools. Ryan winning the bet that Kelly could talk for more than 2 ½ minutes about Netflix was priceless, by the way. Maybe it was Pam actually smiling and having a good time with the gang again. She’s got a great smile. Maybe it was fond memories from seeing her in decidedly less office-style attire in Blades of Glory last week. I don’t know what did it, but I may be back on the fence in the whole triangle debate. I do maintain, however, that no matter what happens with the triangle, Jim and Pam cannot sleep together. That would irrevocably destroy the sexual tension that keeps their onscreen relationship interesting.

Oh, and Nerfy Life would make a great name for a band.

As always, thanks to www.officetally.com for the handy quotes!

These Boots Were Made for Cutting, and That’s Just What They Did

Stacy found a babysitter last night so we met up for a date at the movie theater. To my surprise, Stacy actually wanted to see Blades of Glory. I am surprised because she usually doesn’t want to see the same comedies I do, especially those starring Will Ferrell (i.e. one of the funniest men on the screen today). She answered me in two words, Jon Heder. Ahh, I see. I didn’t really care. I like Heder too and any reason for Stacy to actually want to see the same movie as me is the only excuse I need to watch it.

Holy crap was it funny. I expect spotty performances from Will Ferrell since he is not always spot on with the humor. How can any SNL alumni be? However, he was 100% in this one. Jon Heder did not disappoint either. It was a little weird seeing their coach played by Hayden Fox, I mean Craig T. Nelson, but it was good seeing him up there. Will Arnett of lamented Arrested Development fame and Amy Poehler of “I’m getting a bone thrown at me because Ferrell and I were on SNL together” were pretty good as the rival ice skaters, creepy as brother and sister pair skaters, though. Creepy in a funny way. Jenna Fischer, taking a break as mousy Pam on The Office sizzled on the screen as an even more emotionally screwed character than Pam who nevertheless makes a hot appearance in lingerie at one point (It tops her extremely awkward kissing scene with Heder, but only just.)

Most of the main stars’ performances on the ice were obviously enhanced digitally, but since I didn’t come to the show to watch them skate, I really didn’t care. Although I kinda wish Ferrell’s scene in Grublets on Ice was digitally enhanced to minimize the onscreen chunks, the less said about that the better.

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the run down. Chazz Michael Michaels (Farrell) and Jimmy MacElroy (Heder) are competitors in the world of men’s figure skating. They tie for the gold at the fake Olympics (I assume the producers didn’t care to involve the red tape that comes with having the Olympics in your movie) and get into a fight during the medal ceremony. They are subsequently stripped of their medals (after lighting the mascot on fire, eep!) and banned from their division forever. Naturally, both skaters hit rock bottom in no time. We visit them in their pitifulness three and a half years later, just six months before the next fake Olympics, and find that there is a loophole that will allow them to skate again. They’re not banned from pairs figure skating. Through a chance circumstance, (as if there’s any sort of thing in these movies) they end up having no resort but to pair with each other.

Hilarity ensues.

Actually, hilarity ensued quite a bit before that point, but, meh. Point is, this movie was hilarious. Go see it, or, if you don’t go to movies, wait for the DVD and buy it, or, if you don’t buy DVDs, rent it, or, if you’re a cheap bastard, wait for it to come out on cable, or, if you don’t have cable, GO SEE IT! It’s worth it if you like to laugh, and if you don’t, then lighten up, sourpuss.

I give this movie four out of four triple axels on a scale that I just made up that means nothing.

The Office Moral: Use Mace Wisely

Ah, The Office, how do I love thee? In private, where no one can see my sick perversions. No, not really in private, Stacy and I do it together. Yeah, you read me right, together.

How many times can I say that the latest episode was comic genius? At least one more, because I’m saying it now. Everything from Dwight’s office arsenal to Michael Scott’s cross-dressing had me laughing until my sides hurt. I loved Angela’s promptings for every variation of the story of Dwight’s heroism and Dwight’s refusal of any accolade.

Dwight: No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

We were surprisingly light on Jimisms in this episode, but it didn’t detract. Kelly and Ryan made up for it in spades.

Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don’t you see why that’s insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I’m crazy now?

I still feel bad for Jan every time she and Michael Scott interact in front of others, but hey, she’s brought it on herself, right?

Jan: Are you going to take care of this?
Michael: Yeppers.
Jan: What did I tell you about “yeppers”?
Michael: I don’t remember.
Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Michael: Ye–sh.

A few small moments showed the creators’ attention to detail that I really enjoyed. For instance, in the last episode we saw Oscar and Angela make a small connection in their common dislike of the bar. In this episode, we saw a further development of that relationship when Roy comes in for his final paycheck. While it’s Angela that has to hand the paycheck to Roy, it’s Oscar who stands between them protectively. It was sweet.

I don’t see things working out between Jim and Pam anytime soon with the latest brouhaha, which I consider a boon to the show. I’ve said it before and I maintain that to have them hook up would be jumping the shark. Just like Sam and Diane lost all their chemistry and sexual tension after they slept together, so would Jim and Pam. The show would certainly suffer for it. I do miss the sly glances at each other from the first two seasons as well as the conspiratorial meetings, but those days are gone as well. Still, The Office has yet to disappoint me, so I’m onboard for wherever they decide to take me next.

I’ll leave you with one final quote from the end of the show. As always, I give a big “Thank you!” to http://www.officetally.com/ for the handy quotes. Check out the site for a preview of next week’s episode!

Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell — on time. Now I’m back, got a second chance, and I’m not going to blow it. So look out, Dunder Mifflin! I mean “look out” in a fun way. You know, not like, “I’m going to hurt you.”

Oh, and by the way, Final Paycheck would be a great name for a rock band.

Gem Mountain? More Like Porcelain Valley!

The following travelogue is by no means entertaining. It is dry and boring, much like me (Gotta use more moisturizer!) You’ve been warned.

Stacy and I decided to go on a mini vacation this week. We had seen a bit on the Travel Channel about a place in North Carolina called Gem Mountain where they give you a bucket of rough minerals and a flume to find semi-precious stones. We thought the girls would enjoy it and the host made off with more value in the found gemstones than she paid in the cost of the bucket. We booked a night in a local inn last week and planned for the eight-hour drive down to NC.
Little did we know, dark forces were conspiring against us. I am currently enrolled in a database class in school. This class requires Microsoft SQL Server 2005 Developer edition for assignments. The software isn’t expensive, only $50 a pop, but it performed a whammy on my laptop after I installed it. My system performance went down the tube. I eventually reached the point uninstalling it in frustration and completing my assignment in MySQL, which I already had installed with no trouble. It turns out my instructor won’t accept MySQL, even though the class is just on SQL and not teaching a specific software.

Whatever.

So I decide to break out my software and reinstall MS SQL. Only I don’t have the software anymore. I have the empty box, but no CDs anywhere. I searched for hours with no success. By that time, it was the night before our trip and the assignment was due the next day. See where this is going?

Fine, I think, I’ll just download a cracked version. I bought the licensed version anyway, Microsoft got my money. Only, I couldn’t find an English cracked version on Usenet. I did find a Korean version, though. I decided to bite the bullet and try BitTorrent and Peer to Peer. The only ones I could find that way were transferring at 4kbps or less. The estimated download time? 8 hours. By then I was falling asleep at the keyboard so I set the computer down and let it download through the night.

By the next morning the download time was readjusted to 14 hours – left. I knew there was a reason I didn’t screw with that P2P crap. Stacy and I resolved to find a copy at a local Office Depot or the like. I downloaded the Korean version, just in case. After a fruitless search at four different local stores, we gave up and started the drive south. Either I would make do with the Korean version or I’d turn in my assignment with MySQL and suffer the lower grade.

I am not a big fan of traveling long distances by car. The varying landscape cannot make up for the cramped quarters, limited activity, and general uncomfortableness of driving for hours at a time. Stacy drove first so I could install the Korean MS SQL. Through the sheer accident of clicking the right options, I made it through the half-Korean, half-garbled install process and got it on the laptop. Even though the software is in Korean, the command line interface, all that I needed for class, still accepted English. The errors and feedback from running commands was all in Korean, though. I figured I’d muddle through.

By that time we were approaching Tenessee and the halfway mark of our trip, so I took over driving from Stacy. The girls were amazingly well-behaved, although Vicki complained of pains in her stomach a couple of times.

It wasn’t until we got into the winding hills of the North Carolina “mountains” that the real trouble began. Vicki let out a warning, “I feel like throwing up!” and Stacy dived into the back seat with a plastic bag in the nick of time. And so it began.

I didn’t think much of it at the time. I figured Vicki just got carsick, poor kid. Understandable considering the up and down, side to side motion of the car over the mountain roads.
A few hours later and only one wrong turn, we made it to Spruce Pine, NC, home of Gem Mountain and the Spruce Pine Inn, a converted schoolhouse. The Inn was easy enough to find and the staff was pleasant. The room was one of the more spacious double-occupancy rooms I’ve been in, including “vaulted schoolroom ceilings” as the historical pamphlet told me. We headed out to the town for some dinner and ended up eating at an all-you-can-eat buffet. The food was passable, but Scarlett was done sitting down by that point. Thankfully, she’s adorable, so she just charmed all the surrounding diners as she staggered between tables like a miniature drunken sailor. Stacy and I took turns chasing her while the other ate and kept track of the older girls.

When we returned to the inn, I got to work on my homework after we put the girls to bed. It took a while for them to get to sleep with the unfamiliar surroundings, and by then I wasn’t feeling too good. My stomach was starting to feel upset. I suspected I had eaten some bad food, not a stretch of the imagination even at the cleanest of buffets. A few hours later, my suspicions were confirmed after repeated trips to the bathroom. I won’t bore you with those details (just the rest of these, I can’t believe you’re still reading this. Do you have some rare form of OCD that makes you finish everything you read? I can’t imagine any other reason to continue to subject yourself to my account. Just think of all the productive things you could be doing online right now, like browsing through Myspace pages or reading blogs – oh, right.) It was between one of these trips that I heard the tell-tale sounds of baby vomit coming from the travel crib. Scarlett was sick, too. The poor kid was up all night, either breast feeding with Stacy or voiding her stomach. I couldn’t figure out what we had in common at the buffet besides a drink I shared with her, but I couldn’t think of what else would cause her to get sick.

The next morning Stacy and I were exhausted. We toyed with the notion of buying the bucket of rocks from Gem Mountain and just driving back home, but I threw that idea out. We had come all this way for our girls to go to Gem Mountain, and by gum, we were going to Gem Mountain! The five minute car ride was enough to finally put Scarlett to sleep. She had still been up from the night before. My stomach was still rocky, so I opted to stay in the van while Stacy took Vicki and Zoe into Gem Mountain.

It sounded like fun, with the flume mining where they’d put the rocks in a screened box, rinse through flowing water and reveal sparkling gems, but I was just happy to rest in the van. I snoozed for a while during their visit, thankfully Scarlett slept the entire time. When they came back, the girls had four small backs practically bursting with uncut gemstones, some bigger than Vicki’s fist. Very impressive.

We browsed their gift shop after Scarlett woke up and I found that I was feeling a bit better. I still wasn’t up to driving by the time we left, but armed with some Immodium and Dramamine from the gift shop, I hoped to make it home leaking a minimum of bodily fluids (I know, ewwww.)

And make it home we did. Not before Scarlett made a fine mess of her carseat at least three times, but we did make it home otherwise unscathed. I felt much better that evening, but I still hadn’t eaten anything since dinner at the buffet. I wasn’t quite there yet. Getting home signaled the last piece of the obvious puzzle to drop.

Stacy got sick.

I put the pieces together like a master detective who has been shown the clues in sequence and had the mystery patiently explained to him multiple times. First, Vicki complains of stomach pains on the way down, then throws up in the car. Car sickness? I think not. Then, Scarlett and I get sick at almost the same time after sharing practically nothing that could have been contaminated. Food poisoning? I think not. Finally, Stacy gets sick a full 24 hours after Scarlett and I. Coincidence? I think not.

I don’t know what we had, but it knocked Stacy out flat the next day. I had to call into work that morning and tell them I wasn’t coming in so I could stay home and nurse her back to health while I kept the girls out of trouble. Fun stuff.

Thankfully, Stacy felt better by that evening and we had a nice night watching NBC’s Thursday night comedy featuring The Office, but that’s for another post.

See, now don’t you feel silly for reading the entire entry? No payoff or anything. Did you learn a lesson from all this? I hope so, because otherwise it was a complete waste of your time. (Insert Nelson laugh here.)

Heroes on a Half Shell, Indeed

Jon and I caught TMNT this week, and though I’m a week late (I apologize for nothing!) I thought I’d post my thoughts.

First off, I went into the movie with low expectations. I read the comic before ever seeing the cheesy cartoon. While the comic was intended as a satire of then-popular teenage super hero comics, it was done in a seriously adult manner. Shredder gets his in the first issue. The cartoon was somewhat of a disappointment, but still entertaining in some ways. When the first movie came out, it brought back memories of the original gritty black and white. Even Splinter had the right origin story (pet rat mutated by the ooze, not a martial arts master mutated into a rat like in the cartoon.)

I was naturally disappointed by the second and third installments of the franchise, since they just upped the cheese factor to cartoon levels. When I found out this latest installment, TMNT, was to be a sequel, I was wary. Still, the trailers showed off some beautiful animation and triggered the same old nostalgia. Armed with the knowledge that the actual movie would probably suck, Jon and I caught the matinee on Tuesday.

It did not suck. It did, in fact, rock to some degree. The animation was even better than in the trailer. There was one sequence in particular on the rooftops in the rain that blew me away. So I picked myself up off the soda-stained floor and enjoyed the rest of the movie. Some of the art style’s quirks, like April’s extreme skinniness (though she did look hot in ninja gear, rawr,) and Max Winter’s extreme chinniness (did his chin continue growing all 3000 years of his life?) were a little distracting, (much like the structure of this sentence,) none of them were deal-breakers.

The cast was filled with uninspired voice over artist defaults, like that one voice you hear in every single WB/Disney animation project, Kevin Michael Richardson. You would recognize the voice if you heard it. However, the star talents, Sarah Michelle Gellar as April, Patrick Stewart as Max Winter, Mako as Splinter, and Ziyi Zhang as karai, with a little Laurence Fishburne action in the narration, made it all better. The turtles were voiced well, I didn’t recognize any of the voices or their names, which in this case was a good thing.

The story was as good as it should have been. How good can you expect a plot involving turtles transformed into pizza-loving ninja masters to be? I got the impression that the plot was merely a backdrop to tell the story of one family’s reconciliation and another’s disintegration. Nothing too cerebral, though. It was also backdrop to some sweet ninja turtle fights. Some of the twists and turns the movie takes to get to the resolution were good as well. Others broadcast the villains intent a little too loudly, making one particular twist a little too obvious by the time it came.

I give TMNT three and a half out of four half shells in a scale that I just made up. If your thing is seeing ninja turtles kick monsters, Foot Clan, and each other’s heads in a beautifully rendered urban roofscape, then check it out. If not, then I just wasted the last few minutes of your time. BWAH HAH HAH!

New Word Time!

Stacy and I were watching E! News the other night before bed. Just as we were about to turn the TV off, one of the hosts verbally and visually assaulted us.

“And FINALLY, Fergie poses for Maxim! Blah blah blah blah.”

Naturally, the visual assault involved images from The Fugness’s picture shoot. I decided then that the word Fug was not enough. There had to be a word that went beyond Fug; something that imparted the strong feelings of revulsion that accompanies viewing celebrities such as Fergie. Then, it came to me!

fergly adj.
1. A person so repulsive that he or she cannot be described by the terms ugly or fugly. (Origination: inspired by media saturation of the pop star Fergie in the mid 2000’s.)

Here’s the word in context.
“Man, Nicole Richie is so fergly, I wouldn’t touch her with Christina Aguilara’s hands!”

Here’s an image in case you don’t know who inspired this new word.

WTF?

Captain America Dies

Stormwatch 2007

Manassas, Virginia (SP) -- The Northern Virginia area is gripped in what weather experts are calling the storm of the century. Meteorologists are predicting massive amounts of snow, accumulating as much as 1” to 2” before the colossal storm continues eastward. Local weather authorities are urging city and county officials to declare an official state of emergency, restricting all road traffic to disaster recovery vehicles only.

“It’s like the sky opened up and took a great big dump on us,” said Manassas resident, P. Hicky after expelling a cheek full of chewing tobacco.

These trees are weighed down by as much as 2 lbs of snow

Another Manassas resident, fundamentalist J. Prescott, upset that her church services were cancelled, said, “I think this is a sign of the second coming. Just so you know, I’m ready for the rapture. Take me, Jesus!”

“It is my professional opinion that this storm will be the most severe weather ever recorded. The meteorological society will be studying the effects of this storm for years,” said Dr. Joseph Transyger, Meteorologist Emeritus at News Channel 8’s You Predict The Weather Day program.

Cocktails OR JJ Abrams Takes It Up a Notch

Last night’s episode of The Office delivered up its usual share of hilarity, but it ratcheted up the awkward level quite a few notches above the norm. Michael Scott’s diarrhea of the mouth was certainly not limited to him blurting out “Jan and I are lovers,” to the Dunder-Mifflin CFO hosting the party.

For those of you that haven’t seen the episode yet (shame on you): SPOILER ALERT!

Yes, it’s true, the Awkwardness™ passed from character to character like a baton at the relay race in the Socially Retarded Olympics. Dwight and Michael traded it a couple of times:

Dwight: What’s the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight, that’s not appropriate.
David: I don’t know.
Dwight: It’s a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?

Jim grew more and more awkward as he found that his girlfriend had “relations” with just about every guy at the party.

What? Karen’s a ho?

Nah, she just punk’d Jim so bad he didn’t even see it coming.

On the other side of town, at the bar, new heights of uncomfortable were reached by the whole gang. Creed, who is never awkward cause he’s Creed, reveals that he runs a fake ID business out of his car with a laminating machine he stole from the Sheriff’s office. Dang, he must carry a wheelbarrow with him everywhere he goes. Toby spends the entire evening winning a stuffed animal from the resident Evil Claw Machine™ for Pam only to have her rebuff his attempt at romantic generosity by reminding him that his daughter would like it, oh, and where was he all evening? She really wanted to hang out with him.

Nowhere was the unease more apparent than when Pam bared her horrible secret about Jim’s kiss to her on-again boyfriend Roy. The episode, directed famed Lost and Alias producer, J. J. Abrams, ended on a sincerely sinister note with Roy vowing to kill Jim Halpert after demolishing the bar with his drunk brother.

Yeah, kill.

So there you have it. While it was a hilarious episode, even in the Awkwardness™:

Dwight: Oh good, your up. Who makes this chair?
9-year-old Startled Awake: I don’t know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight: I want one. Really good solid construction. It’s comfortable. What is this? Oak?
9-year-old Obviously in Shock that a Stranger is in His Rocking Chair in the Middle of the Night: I don’t know.
Dwight: What do you know?

It ended on a decidedly creepy note. Pam and Roy are obviously through, this time for good, I’m thinking. Pammie’s newfound resolve to get what she wants may prove an interesting plot driver. Jim and Karen are still cute together and should stay that way. Michael’s retardation is stymieing Jan’s search for the forbidden high. Dwight is Dwight and I wouldn’t have him any other way. And Dunder-Mifflin soldiers on.

Oh, and thanks again to www.officetally.com for the quotes from this episode. Those cats are quick!

Ghost Rider? He barely Knew Her!

Okay, lame pun aside, he knew her pretty well. Stacy and I got a long-deserved break from the kids this week when we went to see Ghost Rider with Jon on Monday. We went armed with the knowledge that two good friends of ours did not like the movie. I quote, “The Punisher was better.” While I haven’t seen The Punisher (rated-R), I had heard plenty about it and knew that it fell somewhere between Daredevil and Fantastic Four among the latest crop of comic-inspired movies. I found it hard to believe that Ghost Rider could be that bad, considering how kick@## the previews looked. Then again, you can’t judge a book by its cover. You also can’t judge a book by what other people say about it. That’s why I don’t listen to movie critics. I lend a bit more weight to what friends say, but I usually reserve judgment until I have seen the movie.

In this case, I’m glad I did. Ghost Rider was much better than it could have been and nowhere as bad as some of the stinkers that Marvel has cranked out lately. It wasn’t even close to Spider - Man or X - Men levels of radness, but it rocked in its own way.

Let’s start with the visuals. No? You want to know about the story, you say. You want to know how compelling the characters were, you plead. Well too bad, non-existent, disembodied voice, this is my review.

The visuals were spot on. Never has a demon-possessed, flaming-skulled bounty hunter for the devil, with a flaming demonic bike of awesomeness and a death-dealing fiery chain of pain been translated so well between mediums. The initial transformation took a while to get to, but we were well served with some spectacular bike stunts in the meantime. The first time Ghost Rider made his appearance, you got a real sense of how painful such a transition might be as his flesh literally burns from his bones, leaving a grinning skull wreathed with hellfire behind. It wasn’t long after that his bike makes its own transformation with skeletal claws slowly reaching up to caress the gas tank, exhaust pipes elongating to bone-shaped tubes, down tubes morphing into solid chains, and a skeletal ribcage forming underneath it all. Very nice.

Ghost Rider’s origin was kept intact, something I feared would not happen. The previews made it seem like Johnny Blaze sold his soul to save the life of a girl, which would have been completely wrong. Thankfully, that wasn’t so.

The players ran the gamut from over-the-top comic book acting to genuine talent. This movie reminded me why I like Nick Cage. His Johnny Blaze had an excellent sense of timing and reaction. Cage lends a comedic quality to his characters that is understated yet supplies just the right amount of humor to offset the dark topic of the movie. Eva Mendes, who I maintain is near the bottom of the hot Latina starlet list (I would sooner take Salma Hayek, Vanessa Marcil, or Eva Longoria over her, though she is still miles above Horseface herself, Penelope Cruz,) played Roxanne Simpson, a hot newscaster with a smoking past with Blaze. Okay, I gotta stop with the fire references, this is too much even for me. She was all right, but I’m not much of a fan of hers anyway, so I paid more attention to her revealing outfits than her performance (boobtastic).

Sam Elliott, who was his usual crusty self, led the supporting cast. I wouldn’t have him any other way. His Caretaker was a joy to watch. Peter Fonda, looking extremely aged, played Mephistopheles né Mephisto. I expected his character to be over the top, but he was delightfully subdued, if a bit creepy uncle. I appreciate seeing Donal Logue in anything since his turn as a vampire lackey in Marvel’s first modern foray into comic book movies, Blade. Sadly, the rest of the supporting cast sucked donkey balls. Wes Bentley’s campy Blackheart led actors that were even worse in the villains’ camp. Besides Brett Cullen's Barton Blaze, the rest are completely forgettable.

If this movie lacks for anything, it is the plot, and boy does it lack. Mephistopheles sics Ghost Rider on Blackheart, who is searching for a contract that contains the power of 1000 souls. The previous ghost rider hid the scroll from Mephistopheles, fearing the power would make him unstoppable. Blackheart wants it to rule Hell and Earth with it. Now, why would a paltry 1000 evil souls from some abandoned town in the Southwest mean so much to the ruler of Hell? I would imagine that he gets more than that in a slow year. Not to mention, the state of the souls seems like it would devalue the deal. Wouldn’t 1000 innocent souls mean much more to Mephistopheles? Why can’t the ruler of Hell manage four demons, one of whom is his own son? Why can Ghost Rider handle them when he can’t? There were plot holes aplenty as the movie progressed. For instance, the legend says there is one ghost rider every generation, but the last ghost rider was from 150 years ago. Abuh? Wouldn’t it be nice if generations were spread out that far? I could dig living 150+ years.

So yes, the plot stunk, but oddly enough, that didn’t detract much from the movie. This flick did not pretend to be anything more than it was; a disposable bit of eye candy to while away a couple of hours. It didn’t aspire to be Oscar-worthy. It didn’t have its sights set on critical acclaim. It delivered itself as a guilty pleasure that I would certainly watch again, if for nothing more than seeing Ghost Rider blaze down the side of a building to land in the midst of a hornet’s nest of angry cops.

I give Ghost Rider four out of five flaming skulls on the meaningless scale that I just made up.

One Wedding and a Vampire

NBC has aired two episodes of The Office since last I blogged about the best half hour of comedy on television. In that time, Michael Scott sank to new levels of social retardation, Jim has pulled even more elaborate pranks on Dwight than before, and everyone else in the office has had a share of embarrassing moments.

Pam and Roy Phyllis and Vance of Vance Refrigeration’s wedding was a smashing success. If by success I mean that Michael horrifies the bride, offends the groom, and embarrasses his employees, a poor uncle with dementia and Michael Scott (not the same person) were thrown out, and Pam watches her wedding dream pass before her eyes, then yes, it was a smashing success!

A couple people have pointed out to me that Michael’s latest forays into public humiliation have been a little over the top. I don’t think so. Look at the poor blighter’s history. He peed all over himself and threw the rings in a queen-sized hissy fit at his mom’s wedding. I think everyone was fortunate that Mr. Scott didn’t piddle himself as Phyllis’s dad did the miracle walk down the aisle.

As funny as the wedding scenes were, the highlight of the show for me was Jim’s Pavlovian experiment with Dwight. The entire sequence took place during the opening scene and consisted of Jim triggering the error chime on his computer and then offering Dwight a mint. By the end of the scene, Jim had triggered the chime and watched in amusement as Dwight held out his hand for the mint, only to become baffled when Jim asked him what he was doing.

“I don’t know, my mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. ::smack:: ::smack:: ::smack::”

Classic Jim!

His wedding crasher prank was amusing, but it did result in poor Uncle Al’s expulsion and Michael Scott’s redemption, so it was more of an intricate plot device than anything. Was anyone else creeped out by how quickly Pam got back with Roy?

The next episode will forever be known to me as “The Joss Whedon Episode” simply for the fact that Joss Whedon didn’t think it should be known as that and I’m a contrary @$%&. In “The Joss Whedon Episode” Dwight discovers that the office is the current home of a deadly vampire bat! Naturally, there is no reason to assume it’s a vampire bat until Jim shows signs of vampirism after a bite that mysteriously disappears.

As Jon pointed out, what truly drives the funny is Jim’s steadily worsening symptoms and Karen’s wooden delivery of her lines.

“Tch! Ow! That bread is white hot!”

“But Jim. This. Garlic bread. Is cold.”

By the end, Dwight is so convinced that Jim has fallen to the Powers of Dark that he has armed himself with a Creed-manufactured wooden stake.

God speed, Jim, God speed.

Christmas Joy of Software Development

Software development is like Christmas.

I don’t mean that in the joy-to-the-world, open-the-presents-under-the-tree, goodwill-to-man kinda way. I mean in the mall Santa hauling one kid after another onto his lap as the harried short person in the elf costume shooed all of the eager kids from one end to the next and can’t I please have the Omnibot 2000? I’ve been super good all year! Why is Santa’s lap warm and wet? Did that last kid pee on Santa? Oh man, please tell me it was the last kid that peed on Santa. I don’t think Santa brings Omnibot 2000s to kids that pee on him.

Christmas Dreams Dashed on the Rocks of Reality

Um, back to topic

Let me explain. The customer is like the eager kid bouncing up and down in excitement on Santa’s knee. The kid rattles off a stream of things he wants as Santa listens patiently and smiles.

“And I want this, and that, and one of those, and another one of those, and five of these, and…”

He pats the kid on the head and sends him on his way with a candy cane. I know what you’re thinking; Santa must be the software developer. Oh no, that would be fun, because then the developer would have the power of Santa to reward or deny the eager kid his requests. Nope, the developer is Santa’s workshop elf. Santa’s lone workshop elf. You see, the elf doesn’t get to tell Santa that the toys he wants him to make are beyond reason. Santa tells him to make the toy and expects results come Christmastime. Did I mention that Christmas is two days away? And that there’s only one elf? Yeah, software development is like that.

Join me next week as I explain how raising kids is like being a Keebler elf!

I Am 99% Sure That Is Not The Real Benjamin Franklin

If you missed The Office yesterday, don’t read this post, if you didn’t, then you already know that it was, in fact, not Benjamin Franklin.

Last Night’s episode, Ben Franklin, was more comedic gold from the cast and creators of my favorite comedy. Let’s break it down, medium style.

Phyllis’ upcoming nuptials prompt an all-girl shower in the office while the guys get a GAI (Guy’s Afternoon In, totally not gay) in the warehouse. That’s an all male shower, of course, which is totally not gay.

I was going to give a blow-by-blow of the episode, but chances are you’ve seen it or don’t care, so I’ll skip that. I’m just going to give some highlights of my favorite lines, courtesy of the fine people at www.officetally.com.

Michael: I am instituting primae noctis.
Jim: Primae noctis, I believe from the movie, Braveheart, and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So …
Michael: I’m sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what primae noctis meant.

Michael: Okay, coed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: Shut up, Angela!

Michael: Guys! Beef. It’s what’s for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then my man meat he shall have.

Ben Franklin: You know, I invented electricity.
Pam: I know.
Ben Franklin: Well, I’m sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn’t Ben Franklin have syphilis?

Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question? About women? Um … should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: Secret secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone.
Michael: Wow. Thank you.

Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper? Gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president but someone like Elizabeth can’t.

Dwight: I don’t care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

I Should Apply for a Job

I've been away too long. To apologize, I've decided to become a total shill for Axe. Technically, this is a Lynx commercial, but it's the same stuff and this one is longer. For those of you that do not appreciate the female form in motion whilst wearing a bikini, I got nuthin.

Yo Ho, Web 2.0!

New word time!

"Moblo". No, that's not what the Hollywood starlet said to her sugar daddy.

So Jon and I (where were you. Brian?) went to Web 2.0 training today. Most of the time. we go to these more for the sweet OT that they reward rather than hoping to get much out of them. There's not a lot of demand for anything beyond minor problem-solving skills and ridiculously proprietery knowledge to do our jobs.

However, this training gave me quite a few ideas. There are some technological advances that Web 2.0 is advancing that I will probably look into, such as AJAX and XHTML. I'll be sure to post some of my experiments here.

That's not why I'm blogging tonight, though. You see, I learned a new term today, "Moblog". It stands for "Mobile Blogging", or blogging with a mobile device such as a smart phone, which is exactly what I'm doing right now (I love you, T-Mobile MDA!)

But I can't be bothered with this unwieldly six-letter word! Naw, man, I gots places ta be and shiznit.

So the word is moblo, not moblog.