The Mummy: Curse of the Dragon...er....whatever

I'm going to make this a quick one. Stacy and I went to see the latest Mummy movie with a couple of good friends this Friday.

Meh.

It had its moments, to be sure. The action was good. The plot was solid. The storyline was good, even though it had a few holes. I loved the Yeti. However, the dialog felt very forced. We're supposed to buy into these characters, Evelyn (Maria Bello) and Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser,) our intrepid heroes from the first two movies, fifteen or so years after the second movie. Their son has grown and is now estranged while the two try to enjoy their golden(?) years in retirement. This relationship is not the focus of the movie, and perhaps that is one reason it fails so miserably. I had no investment in the conflict between them. We came in during the middle of it with only vague reasons behind the split. The eventual reconciliation suffered for the lack of characterization. I could even have taken Rachel Weisz's almost criminal absence from the movie if Bello was better written. She lacked the chemistry that Weisz and Fraser steamed up the big screen with in the first two movies. Shes' pretty, not a bad actress, but she was set up to fail.

Relationships make up a large portion of the movie: the relationship between the O'Connells with Evy's brother, Jonathan (John Hannah,) thrown in for comic relief, the relationship between the Dragon Emperor (Jet Li,) his lieutenant (Russell Wong,) and the witch (Michelle Yeoh,) the relationship between the witch and her daughter (Isabella Leong,) the relationship between the O'Connell lad, Alex (Luke Ford,) and the witch's daughter. It was a bit much, especially with the trite lines and weak dialog. I was very disappointed with that aspect of the movie.

Other inconsistencies sprinkled throughout the movie were all the more glaring with the failings in the characterization and script. As far as summer movie eye candy, it fits the bill. As far as the Mummy series goes, I'd call this the weakest of the bunch, and that's including The Scorpion King. It's the tail end of the blockbuster season. If you want your eye candy before it ends (and don't intend to see the animated Star Wars: The Clone Wars,) then I'd recommend this movie. Otherwise, wait for video, you won't be as disappointed.

I give The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor five out of eleven bat-imposter corpse freakouts on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

Okay, maybe the movie suffered in my estimation for being the first movie I've seen since watching The Dark Knight in friggin' IMAX. Not much could stack up well to that experience.

Scott: 1 1/2, !@#$% Wasps: 0

I hate stinging insects. Flying ones, whether they're bees, wasps, or whatever, are even worse for me. I wouldn't say that I have a phobia, but it's pretty close. It's bad enough that I flinch any time one flies near me. Let's just say that the few times I was stung as a lad gave more than a healthy paranoia for anything with a stinger.

That brings us to yesterday. Remember those charming cicada killer wasps I wrote about last summer? Well, they're back. No, I take that back, they're not just back, they're BACK. It seems that my yard was so popular last year that some enterprising wasp opened up a time share and invited all of the extended family over for the Summer. Last year, I think I counted five or six burrows, mostly around the shed. This year there's at least three times that many, probably more.

I had to mow the lawn yesterday. It's been three or four weeks. When it's been three or four weeks in a wet Virginia summer, lawns become feral. They are full of wild beasts and foul insects lurking under the man-sized vegetation. I geared up and set forth to reclaim my lawn with my electric implements. I failed to take into account the inquisitive nature of the non-stinging male wasp and was freaked the hell out when a few kept dive-bombing me and the lawn mower. After about an hour of enduring the wasps doing fly-bys and barrel rolls past my ears, I had to take a break.

I headed back out after refueling and continued my reign of terror on the land-bound insects while their air force wreaked havoc above. With the density of the jungle undergrowth, it took me some time to finish the mowing. At one point, I found that I had actually rolled over one of the wasps before it could get off the runway. It was floundering near a burrow. I didn't know whether it was a male of female, but I knew if it found its wings and was vindictive, then I might as well be a big round target. I put it out of its (and my) misery (Scott: 1.) After I finished clearing out all of the vegetation, I found a ridiculous number of wasp burrows. They were hard to count since some had burrowed near each other.

Finally, it was my turn to terrorize the giant wasps. I broke out the weed eater. Every time one would start zooming in my direction, I'd brandish my whirling plastic spline of doom. They'd generally take one or two angles of approach before breaking off the attack and retreating over the fence for a short time. I'm pretty sure I gave one a little insect heart attack. It just wouldn't stop zooming near me, so I mulched the air around it with the weed eater until it limped off. I didn't hit it, but it didn't look healthy afterwards (Scott: 1/2.) That'll learn ya ta invade my territory, !@#$% wasps!

By the time I was done, my nerves were shot. I headed in with my legs covered in green and brown, disintegrated weeds and dust. I found that Stacy had fought her own battle with the kids and was convalescing in bed, so I headed into the bathroom to wage another battle, this one on the dander, dirt, and stink encasing our dog.

But that's a story for another day.

Tradition! AND! Why You No Post?

Welcome to August! Where have I been? What have I been doing? Well, besides having viewed The Dark Knight a total of three times now, one being in IMAX (yes, it was awesome,) I've been hanging out with my brother, David, and niece, Shelby.

They flew in a the beginning of last week and we've been going nonstop since then. We hit the major local points, the Manassas Battlegrounds, the Udvar-Hazy National Air and Space Museum, Hershey's World of Chocolate, The National Mall (including the Lincoln, Korean War, Vietnam Veterans, and WWII monuments,) The National Natural History Museum, and King's Dominion. We also took some time out to go swimming, attend church, and play some DND, Magic, and Boom Blox.

On top of all that, I've been keeping up with my coursework for my bachelor's degree. It's been a crazy week. We've loved having them here, though. I'm really sad to see David go home today. It's the first time he's been out and the first time he and I have spent that much quality time together since I left for my mission back in 1995. Fortunately, Shelby is spending a few more weeks with us, so we'll get to have more good times with her.

As for the coursework for school, it's become considerably heavier since I got into a class that I can't coast through on existing experience and knowledge. I'm learning a whole new programming language and it's taking a bit to get into. Expect the sporadic updates to continue until I'm done with this class and the next. Sorry folks.

The Dark Knight? More Like The Dork Knight, Am I Right Guys? Guys? Nuthin? Ah Well

Amazing.
Brilliant.
Exciting.
Exhausting?

Yes, The Dark Knight is all these things and much more. First, let me get the details out of the way for those of you living under a rock that don't pay attention to movies. This is straight from the front page of IMDB, because I got less than four hours of sleep last night and there's no way I can be this succinct this morning.

The Dark Knight reunites director Christopher Nolan with star Christian Bale, who returns to continue Batman's war on crime. With the help of Lieutenant James Gordon (Gary Oldman) and District Attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart), Batman sets out to destroy organized crime in Gotham for good. The triumvirate proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a rising criminal mastermind known as The Joker (Heath Ledger), who thrusts Gotham into anarchy and forces the Dark Knight ever closer to crossing the fine line between hero and vigilante.

Not listed are Maggie Gyllenhaal playing the absent Katie Holmes character Rachel Dawes, more on her later. Morgan Freeman as Wayne's tech man and head of Wayne Industries (or whatever they call the company in the movies,) Lucius Fox. And of course, Michael Caine as Bruce's butler and confidant, Alfred Pennyworth.

Before I get any further, allow me to confirm the hype, or add to it more, depending on your point of view, about Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker. Like others, I thought that much of the praise built around Ledger's role was influenced by the tragic circumstances of his death. I was wrong. I also have some inkling of the dark places Ledger had to go to get into the character on the screen. He was creepy, dangerous, insane, funny, and deadly. To put it into perspective, Heath Ledger's Joker is to Jack Nicholson's Joker as Christian Bale's Batman is to Adam West's Batman. I have never seen a more chilling portrayal of the character, nor do I ever expect to again. Hollywood can never bring The Joker back, because no one can follow Ledger's performance without unfavorable comparison. A posthumous Oscar is the least Ledger should receive.

And that's part of what was so exhausting about the movie. Ledger's performance was so in-depth and emotional, that I couldn't help but be drawn in emotionally as well. Not to mention watching new life breathed into this old character was so exhilarating that coming down from that couldn't help but be draining.

I did not expect the extent of the Harvey Dent/Two-Face story that we got as well. Eckhart was good. Not as good as Ledger, but who could be here? Not only was he good, but the special effects made him Two-Face. I'm not talking about cheesy latex prosthetics a la Joel CRAPmacher's Tommy Lee Jones Two-Face. I'm talking, "Good lord! You can see his cheek muscles! His eye is totally exposed! His teeth are completely visible! Is that a jawbone! Gross! Awesome!" You can tell Eckhart understood Two-Face's insanity and captured the character's particular unhinged dichotomy.

He's another reason this movie was exhausting. That is especially true considering his climactic scene, of which I will give nothing away, nothing, I tell you!

Unfortunately, I don't have all good to say about the latest Batman installment. Maggie Gyllenhaal? Really, Nolan? Really? You can't get Holmes so Gyllenhaal is your choice? Seriously? She looks horrible through the entire movie. There's a scene, part of which is in the previews, wherein The Joker encounters Gyllenhaal's Rachel at a benefit at Wayne's penthouse. He reacts to her as if she is the most beautiful woman in the room. Only she's so not. It's not that she's ugly. She's not really. But attractive? No way. She looks old and tired. Her hair is a limp mess through the entire movie. She can't fill out a dress half as well as the extras in the same scene. It was sad, really it was. She doesn't have any chemistry with either Bale or Eckhart, the latter of which plays her current beau in the movie. She's an average actress to boot. I really don't understand this casting decision.

Bale does a great job as Wayne/Batman yet again. Stacy and Jamie both mentioned that he looked really skinny. Can't say that it bothered me. His costume was a little odd. In order to make the turning of his head easier, presumably, they cut the cowl inward very close to the chin. The effect was to make his head look more round. I suppose I'm used to the cowl going straight into the cape, so it was a little jarring. Hardly much of a complaint considering past Hollywood interpretations of the character. The only real complaint I had about Bale's Batman was his final conversation with The Joker (the previous ones were all entertaining, oh and exhausting,) Bale doesn't so well with the voice change to Bats. He tries a little too hard to make it gravelly. This isn't a problem unless he's shouting, then he sounds a little silly. Still not much of a complaint, but it was a little jarring.

My final comment about the movie was the message it delivered, sometimes subtly, sometimes in your face; people are inherently good. While I generally don't like people, the message of hope still appealed to me. It was one of the scenes that delivered this statement that was extremely dark and exhausting, but ultimately satisfying and a relief. I hate being so cryptic, but I'm really trying to avoid being spoilerific. I think you'll know the scene when you see it. It's not the only one with the message, but the one where it is most clearly delivered.

The plot was chilling and twisty, the action was intense, the comedy was dark, the acting was superb (except where noted,) and the cinematography was excellent. Oh, and the Bat-bike was cool. I give The Dark Knight thirteen out of fifteen cat-proof batsuits on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

Did I mention that I'm watching it again tonight? Jon and I discussed it after last night's advance viewing. Can we watch it two nights in a row, as emotionally exhausting as it was? Of course we can, because it was awesome.

P.S. Damn them for making a Watchmen trailer that actually makes me want to see the movie.

Hancock and Hellboy, It Was a Good Week and a Half

Within the past couple of weeks, I've been to see both Hancock and Hellboy II. Here are my (un)timely reviews.

Hancock
OR
Why So Bitter, Critic?

Hancock has received a pretty miserable 37% at Rotten Tomatoes for reasons unknown (read: I'm too lazy to read through their reviews.) All I can figure is that as children, the reviewers were thrown bodily into the upper atmosphere by a scruffy super-powered wino. I'm sure each of them stumbled off to cry to momma and vowed to pan any movie based on their experience when they became a big powerful


Yeah, you ain't so big, critic. Plus, you're mother dresses you funny.

Will Smith, Charlize Theron, and Jason Bateman star in this superhero story surprisingly not based on a comic book. It was directed by Peter Berg, currently directing Dune (another one?) Smith plays Hancock, a perpetually drunk, bitter, amnesiac super "hero" that is known for causing more damage than good when he tries to help people. One would wonder why he bothers if that particular point was not covered briefly in the movie.

While it is a super hero movie, replete with the trappings that come with the genre, Hancock is also one of the best examples of High Concept Done Right (TM) that I've ever seen. I can't really boil down the concept without giving away key plot points that would truly spoil the movie. The action scenes were good. We get some nice enjoyable Superman Amongst the Mortals moments as well as a little brawling between supers.

Bateman, as always, plays a great straight man, although this is not a comedy. In Bateman we get to see the everyman interacting with the superman. He's the audience's proxy, almost. He reacts with much more heart and compassion than I would attribute to your average movie going population, though.

Theron is sexy, no denying it. She even gets to try on different sexies throughout the movie. What? You say "sexies" isn't a word? Hey, if Justin Timberlame can bring sexy back, then I can treat the darn thing as a noun, too! I had my suspicions about Theron from the trailers that were confirmed as the movie progressed, though not nearly in the way I expected. What I liked about her character was how devoted she was to her husband, played by Bateman, and his son.

Smith's Hancock progresses dramatically through the course of the movie, which at heart, is more a tale of one (super)man's struggle to find his place in the world. I can dig that. Since this is the Fresh Prince we're talking about here, that progression treats us to some comedic gold as well as the usual tugging at the heart-strings. If there is one thing Smith has proved as one of Hollywood's leading men over the past thirteen or so years, it's that he can play both sides of that line.

Hancock was a lot more entertaining than it had any right to be, satisfying both my need for super powered badassery (I suppose you're going to tell me that's not a word either, eh, smartypants?) and emotional depth. I give it fifteen out of eighteen eagles inexplicably soaring through downtown New York on a scale that I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
OR
About Time! Now Where's Hellboy III?

I had high expectations for this movie well before it even reached production. Those were escalated even more by early reports of its exceptional quality. Since seeing the movie (88% on Rotten Tomatoes, in case you were wondering,) I have talked to people that rate the movie as good or better than the original, but none below that. I think this speaks highly of director/writer Guillermo del Toro and creator/writer Mike Mignola's obvious love of the material.

What contributes even more is the cast's immersion into the characters. Almost all of the old cast returned for the sequel, thankfully. Joining them is a new "face" as well. We have Ron Perlman reprising his role as the titular Hellboy, Selma Blair as the pyrokinetic Liz Sherman, Doug Jones as the enigmatic Abe Sapien (this time with speaking part as well!) Jeffrey Tambor as the blustery, but somewhat diminished Tom Manning, and John Hurt as Hellboy's adoptive dad Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm via a flashback.

What is there to say about Perlman? Once you see him in the role of Hellboy, there is no doubt that it was meant to be. Few people are as well-suited for a role as Perlman for Hellboy. Blair is one of those odd actresses that can come off extremely well or tragically horrible. Jon and I discussed that briefly. We're not sure what it is about her that causes that. Another actress that suffers from the same problem is Dina Meyer, at least for my money. Blair brought her A game this time, though. The moments of pure relationship between her and Hellboy are entertaining not just for the novelty of a demon and a human having everyday couple issues but also because of how dead-on they were.

It was not jarring at all to hear Jones' voice coming from Abe's mouth. That is probably because he voiced Abe in the two animated Hellboy movies that came out on DVD after the first movie. With David Hyde Pierce not reprising his voice over work, Jones was the natural choice. He is the actor underneath the mask, after all.

Tambor is a pleasure. I have never seen him in a role that I did not like, from his slimy Vance Crasswell in Life Stinks to his harmless sidekickery in "The Larry Sanders Show" and all his voice work between. However, his character seemed a bit less authoritative in this one. I had thought his relationship with Hellboy would have improved after their moment of bonding in Rasputin's tomb at the end of the first movie. Perhaps his castration was to open up the way for the newest member of the BPRD.

In an odd move, at least it seemed to me before watching the movie, Del Toro cast Seth MacFarlane as the gasbag Johann Krauss. Johann is a great character with a great concept behind him. He is a cloud of sentient ectoplasmic vapor, contained in a modified dry diving suit. Let that high concept soak in for a bit. His form gives him some pretty entertaining and useful abilities, the least of which is beating up on Hellboy with a bank of lockers. While the cinematic character differs a bit from the comic's, I still enjoyed Johann's presence.

That brings me to the movie itself. Hellboy stories are about good versus evil in a primal, beatdown sense with a large dose of matter-of-fact humor thrown in for good measure. Del Toro and Mignola deliver it like a sizzling fastball pitch right over the plate and into your face. The creature effects are fantastic, especially the tumor. The story is solid. The plot pacing is impeccable. The character development begs your investment. Hellboy II is all good. Well, all good except for one thing. It was over well before I was ready for it to be.

I do agree with Jon, though. Not nearly enough of those damn robot nazi gorillas! Seriously, though, what wasn't in this movie, I can only hope will be in a sequel. I really want a sequel. I give Hellboy II: The Golden Army ten out of ten robot nazi gorillas on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

You Buy Now!

Jon already posted this, but for maximum exposure, (hah! As if I can contribute towards that!)

WALL-E's World

On a spur-of-the-moment whim yesterday, we joined the Postmas and McCoards at the movie theater to catch a viewing of Pixar's latest digital masterpiece, WALL-E. Before I got into this review, you should know that I've been looking forward to this movie since I heard about it from the teaser interviews they released around the time Ratatouille came out. While it was cute, Ratatouille really didn't thrill me. Tease me with a sci-fi movie featuring a quirky Waste Allocation Load Lifter: Earth class robot and I'm there!

The plot of the movie is a bit more sophisticated than Pixar has dealt with in the past. I really don't know how much of it I should mention, considering that revealing anything past the most basic elements will ruin the plot twists for anyone that hasn't seen it.

WALL-E is a robot left on Earth to repair the damage humanity has wrought in the form of endless mounds of waste. Our little square friend does this by scooping waste into his compression cavity, hunkering down, and popping out a fresh steaming square of crushed garbage. We are treated to a panoramic sweep of Earth at the beginning with immense skyscrapers of these cubes towering over the rest of the buildings in the nameless town WALL-E lives in.

We find out early on that WALL-E is presumably the last of his line still working. Perhaps his survival has something to do with his progression beyond his original programming. WALL-E collects keepsakes from the garbage occasionally. We find that his home, the abandoned shell of a WALL-E unit transport, is decorated with strings of holiday lights, knick-knacks, and other random bits of trash that have become his treasures. Nestled in the midst of the trash are WALL-E's spare parts, scavenged from the rest of his rusting compatriots that lay motionless, in mid waste disposal.


One fateful day, a ship lands on Earth, much to WALL-E's surprise. It's obvious he doesn't know what it is or what to do about it. However, after it deposits its payload, a sleek ovoid robot that is years beyond WALL-E's design, the ship departs. This leaves WALL-E to tentatively establish a relationship with the only other living thing around besides his pet cockroach, the new robot EVE.

What is EVE there for? Will she fall for WALL-E's bumbling attempts to ape the human romance that he's watched on his ancient video iPod for the last few hundred years? What will happen when the ship comes back for EVE?

If you've seen some of the previews for the movie, you can probably guess at some of the answers, but I'm not going to give any more away. The voice cast for WALL-E is mostly unimportant. We get some entertaining glances at Fred Willard as Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO. Buy 'N Large seems to be the corporation that took over Earth before the exodus, more on that later. Only a few humans have more than a couple of lines further into the movie, including John Ratzenberger, naturally. I don't think there has been a Pixar movie without his voice yet. Kathy Najimy also makes a vocal appearance, she's got a good voice. Surprisingly, if only because I really wasn't paying attention, Sigourney Weaver supplied her voice to the movie as well. Jeff Garlin rounds out the human voice cast. And I do mean rounds out. Hah hah. What, you don't get it? Nevermind.

The reason I say the voice cast is largely unimportant is because they have few lines. Most of the lines are left to WALL-E, EVE, and the other robots. And they speak to me, deep down, with synthesized voices. It's that Commodore 128 geek in me. I've always had a soft spot for the old-school synthesized voices from computers. I know that human voices were actually modified to sound like the synthesized voices for many of the robots, but it's close enough. Apparently you can't get a full range of aural emotion from the computer voices. Whodathunkit?

As for the political commentary that the movie makes, I'm not as inflamed about it as some of the movie's critics. Yes, the humans in the movie destroyed the Earth with rampant consumerism and unbridled waste. Yes, their short-sightedness resulted in the entire population fleeing in a mass vacation-like exodus. Yes, the solution they came up with crashed down around their ears. So what? The way I see it, the situation depicted in the movie is plausible. Even down to what would happen to humanity if it came to rely on computers and robots for even the most basic tasks. However, the creators of the movie didn't try to shove any political message down the audience's throats, like Happy Feet, wherein we are told quite firmly that we are destroying the penguins' habitats. It was presented as a framework to tell the story of WALL-E, EVE, and their affects on the future of humanity.

I believe that movies are a perfectly acceptable medium for delivering socio-political messages, even children's movies. If you don't like the message presented, then it's up to you to avoid the movie or explain the situation to your children and indoctrinate them into your world view. Me, I'm a proponent of conservation. We recycle more waste than we throw away every week. We try to minimize our power and gas consumption as much as we can. We teach our children to respect the Earth and preserve it where we can. Having a movie deliver that message softly and gently isn't going to hurt me or my children any.

Wait, wha? How'd I get up here on this soapbox? I didn't know they even made these crates anymore! Hang on, let me get down. There we are. Where was I? Ah yes, WALL-E. I give Pixar's excellent sci-fi outing fifteen out of fifteen reduced-bone-mass fatties. They done good.

Happy Belated Greetings

Because I'm a lazy jackhole, I failed to wish the appropriate greetings to the appropriate people this week.

Everyone, Happy Qwanza!

Tammy, Happy New Year!

David, Happy Thanksgiving!

Wait, that's not right.

Everyone, Happy Independence Day!

Tammy, Happy Birthday!

David, Happy Birthday!

I'd blame my forgetfulness on the dazzling firework display yesterday. We managed to put on a full hour spectacle for the McCoard's neighborhood with all the fountains and sparklers we bought. I'd blame that, except Tammy and David's birthdays were on the 2nd and 3rd respectively. Nah, I just suck. Maybe I'll do better next year.

Happy July!

Happy July, everyone! And to get this month started off right, here's your latest demotivational message from those happy folks at Despair Inc.!

Family Coming to Visit

W00t! I'm really excited. My brother David and his daughter Shelby are coming out to visit us for a few weeks at the end of the month. David and I always have a good time whether we're discussing computers, movies, Magic (yes, The Gathering,) Dungeons or Dragons, or whatever. Shelby is a great kid, very artistic and deep. I'm going to take a week off to spend some time with them and show them the sites with the girls. After David goes home in a week, Shelby will stay with us for another two. That's going to give her and our girls plenty of time to bond, which is very important to me.

The thing I miss most about living away from Utah is my family. It wasn't until after I got off my mission in 1997 that I really started forming and repairing bonds with my siblings. Stacy and I met that year and were married the next. As happens naturally in a new marriage, relationships outside are neglected a little bit. I may have been guilty of neglecting them more than I should have, I'll admit, but we still got together and had good times while we lived there.

When Stacy and I moved away in late 2000, she was four months pregnant with our first child, Vicki. I felt guilty taking her and our unborn child away from the nest. We have both realized after the fact that it was very good for our family and our relationship with each other. However, our relationships with our extended families have waxed and waned more than they would have if we still lived there. I'm more worried about the affect it has on my daughters and their relationships with their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.

We visit Utah as often as possible. Less now, we have rising airline ticket and gasoline prices to thank for that. Whenever we're out there, we try to split our time fairly between all of the family and friends we left behind. Some get more than others, especially those that seek us out, but we still make the effort to see everyone. That's one reason why we usually need a vacation from the "vacation" back to Utah.

We feel very blessed when family comes to visit us here. There is time to really develop relationships and enjoy each others' company in a way that's just not possible when we go to Utah. While we understand that it's sometimes just as hard, if not harder, for some of our family to come visit us here than it is for us to visit there, Stacy and I wish everyone would do it at least once. The invitation is always open.

In case you can't tell, I'm really looking forward to David and Shelby's visit this month. I'm also looking forward to Stacy's grandparents visiting in September. They've become my grandparents over the years, too. They even tried to coincide their visit with my birthday. How sweet is that?

Family is important. You've only got one, so treat it with care and love.

OD on Awesome

I've been so busy this week with schoolwork, family, and playing Boom Blox (almost worth a sick day, that game,) that I haven't had chance to do much else. I've been wanting to post about this for a couple of days, though.

I think I overdosed on awesomeness last week. I finally got around to downloading the new episodes of Metalocalypse and Venture Bros. I cannot recall two series that have been as consistently entertaining as these. Every episode includes classic moments that Jon and I will recall repeatedly like the nerds we are.

Metalocalypse, in its over-the-top metal way, always gets a guffaw out of me. I was going to look for some quotes from the various episodes I watched, I think there were five or six, but my brain almost exploded thinking back on how many funny lines there were.

If you don't watch Venture Bros., you should. If you watched it and you don't like it, then we are in very different places. I've posted a few reviews of the last season here before. I'm not going to try to sum up the four episodes I watched last week. It's too much awesome for one place. Suffice it to say that my favorite guest star made a reappearance in a recent episode. That's right, Henry Killinger and his Magic Murder Bag. I love his character so much that I named my newest office computer after him. I now have orpheus, jonas, and killinger as my work PCs. If I could assign my Mac a static IP at work, it'd probably be number24 or something.

Ok, in retrospect, this post really doesn't do much to convey the sheer amount of face rocking that Venture Bros. and Metalocalypse delivered to me last Saturday. I guess yous goings to haves to take my words for it. OR! You could check out one or two episodes at Adultswim.com and be face-rocked yourself.

Venture Bros. - Home Is Where the Hate Is
Metalocalypse - The Revengencers

Simply Exhausting

Holy crap, yesterday was exhausting. You know things are going to be busy when your work day feels like a break. We started out yesterday with a bang, the one from our tire to be specific. After work, Jamie and I met Stacy halfway because we just had too much to do. We somehow managed to avoid a reckless driving ticket as we zipped down route 28 to drop the kids off at a friend's house. From there, it was a warpspeed drive to the hospital for Stacy's first pregnancy appointment with the OB/GYN. We got there just in time for the appointment. Turns out we were just in time to wait for their backlog to filter through.

Dr. Nance is a fantastic OB/GYN. We wouldn't switch to another willingly, but he's the only doctor in his office. So when things get backed up, they stay backed up. I normally wouldn't complain since he's got a couple of comfortable chairs in his waiting room. However, when you're in an OB/GYN waiting room, you're bound to run into some pregnant women. So, after apologizing for being so clumsy, you've got to offer them your seat. At one point we had five pregnant women sitting and two husbands standing. I managed to perch on the arm of Stacy's Comfy chair. Those of you that know me should try to picture that in your mind. Imagine a
a bird the size of a walrus hanging out on the arm of a chair and you're halfway there.

Dr. Nance was great as usual. Stacy loves coming into his office with colored hair. He pretends to be annoyed by her, but he loves it when she's pregnant. He gets to tell all the other patients that, "don't worry, it's not her natural hair color," or, "on her, it's normal," and, "stay away from this one, she's a bad influence."

After the appointment, we re-engaged the warp drive to pick up the kids before Stacy dropped me off at home. She had to race to a PTO meeting and I had an appointment to go out with the missionaries from our church. Funnily enough, Stacy spent about fifteen minutes with the kids at Chick-Fil-A before remembering that no one was showing up because they had settled on the McDonalds up the street. Poor Stacy.

For my part, I got dressed to go out with the mission mormonaries and picked them up a few minutes later. We tried out about eight contacts, including a couple of families from church that I visit regularly. No joy. We caught one of my families as they were leaving for church activities. The only other two human beings we spoke with were either too busy or not interested. C'est la vie.

Stacy had just barely walked in the door by the time I got home. I had the foresight to stop by Starbucks and grab her a coffee-free frappacino before walking in, though. We ushered the kids to bed well past bedtime, as usual. Bedtime for us? Nah!

My new class had started Tuesday but I hadn't signed on and posted yet. I hate feeling behind (unless it's Stacy's) so I sat down at the computer. Two hours later I had posted all four of the first week's discussion question responses, my bio, and had a screaming headache. Stacy dropped off somewhere around eleven, the lightweight. By the time I shut down the computer it was after midnight. Who needs sleep?

Department of rhyme
I'm eating an orange with breakfast today and it prompted a memory. I remember reading somewhere that "orange" is the only word in the English language that doesn't rhyme with anything. I beg to differ. At least I did for a moment. I think that words like "arrange", "range", er, and other words ending in "ange" are perfectly acceptable rhymes. I said, "for a moment," because a quick google comes up with this. Thus my idle genius is proved as limited as my knowledge in the world of rhyme. I'm not a poet, and I know it.

Early Morning Adventures on the Freeway

On the way to work this morning, Stacy and I noticed a rhythmic pulse coming from one of the tires. By the time we made it north of Manassas, we were getting into the groove, so we stopped to dance. No, wait, that's not right. I mean, we were getting a little worried, so we pulled into a gas station to check it out. I thought I heard it coming from the front passenger-side tire, but couldn't find any cause. I hopped back in and started to pull back into traffic when Stacy pinpointed the sound coming from an Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator one of the kids was playing with in the back seat. I kid! It was coming from the rear passenger-side tire. She got out and found the culprit, a nice big bolt stuck right in the tire.

No problem, right? The bolt was keeping in the air. We had a slow leak, but it should hold long enough to get me to work and Stacy to the garage. You already know where this is going, but I'm going to drive you there anyway, so buckle up and pipe down.

Once we hit 60 mph on route 28 just before the route 50 exit, we hear a loud noise come from the rear of the van. I could have sworn that I took the Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator away from the kids! But it wasn't the Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator that made the noise, it was the bolt explosively ejecting itself from the tire and the tire subsequently losing all pressure.

I pulled over and turned on the hazards and got out to survey the damage. The tire was completely flat, a chill wind was blowing, and I wore shorts today. After dealing with the bizarre way of retrieving the spare tire, which involved a winch bar, a winch, and a hook underneath the front of the van, I prepared to jack up the car. Then I noticed that I had no tire iron.

WTH? How could the manufacturer leave out the tire iron? I looked everywhere, under the van, in the jack storage compartment, in our crate of car gear, it was nowhere to be found. The car comes with a collapsible doohicky for operating a winch, but no tire iron?

By this time, Stacy had reached Jamie, whose kids she watches, and she was on the way to us. As I sat in the front seat toying with the jack, Stacy found the tire iron. It was in my hands. The handle for the jack doubled as the tire iron. Sheepish? Me? Nah, why do you ask?

Of course, finding the tire iron is only a small part of changing the tire. The lovely people that rotated the tires last were kind enough to tighten them down to 250 pounds of torque. Luckily, I've been working out (my eating arm) so I had enough weight to loosen them. After I finished jumping up and down on the tire iron to release the flat, I popped on the spare. Jamie had arrived by then, so we ferried the kids to the van and sent Stacy on her way.

I guess the mechanic was right, we would have to get new tires before our next inspection.

The Amazing Bulk, er, The Dramatic Sulk, er, The Fantastic Caulk, er, The Incredible Hulk!

To the surprise and amazement of all, I'm sure, Stacy and I did not choose to celebrate our tenth anniversary by going to see The Incredible Hulk on opening day. I know, I know, I loose some geek cred. Then again, I'd rather have a happy wife than the adoration and respect of millions of geeks. See what I did there? I made a funny. Anyway, back to the point, I saw it last night with Jon of Threshold fame and a friend of ours, Jamie.

I went into this movie with mixed feelings. Having already been burnt by one offering in the Hulk franchise, it was natural that I'd be a bit gunshy. I took solace in the fact that it wasn't likely to be worse than its predecessor, regardless of the Internet rumbling that it was more inspired from the TV series than the comics. I also had a bit of trepidation that Edward Norton's widely publicized creative changes may make it even worse. As we all know, actors get paid to lie well, they are not generally valued for anything creative beyond delivering lines in a certain way.

As far as I know, Norton's changes didn't screw up the movie. Not seeing what it would have been without him, I can't really say. However, the movie with him delightfully exceeded my expectations. He and Louis Leterrier, director of Transporter 2 of all things, delivered a solid entry into the Hulk mythos.

Thankfully, Bruce Banner/Hulk's origins are told during the credits. The credits also introduce much of the supporting cast. Such as Bruce's One True Love™, Betty Ross, played by the surprisingly un-annoying Liv Tyler. I suppose if you just don't have her speaking in Elvish, things aren't nearly as bad. We also meet Betty's blowhard father, Gen. Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross, played by William Hurt. I like Hurt, but he is no Thunderbolt Ross. As Jon mentioned, Thunderbolt should be constantly screaming, veins bulging, eyes wide, "Get me that Hulk!" kinda urgency. Hurt's Ross is good, he's just not Thunderbolt good.

The supporting cast is rounded out by some good, some bad. Dr. Samson was played by Ty Burrell. I just don't like Burrell. He always seems slightly, I don't know, douchy onscreen. I don't know if he'll grow muscles and a long, flowing mane of green hair by the sequel, but it's hard to imagine him as Doc Samson, shrink to the superheroes. He had a good snarky line at Thunderbolt in one scene, I have to give him that. The mad scientist that tries to help Banner is Samuel Sterns, played by Tim Blake "We Thought You Was a Toad" Nelson. We get a sneak peak into what he may become in his final scenes. You're going to have to click on the link if you want the spoiler, though. Although, if you recognize the character name like I didn't, you already know who he is.

Finishing up the cast is our villain, Emil Blonsky, played by Tim Roth. Roth was a good choice for Blonsky. He definitely has the normal guy/psycho guy transformation down pat. It's not too much of a stretch to picture him making the leap into the Abomination's Speedos. I know, Jon, I know, he didn't wear his Speedos in the movie. Is that really such a bad thing?

There's really not a lot to say about the plot that those familiar with the theme of Hulk don't already know. Banner is on the run from the government in general, General Ross in particular and Emil Blonsky, Ross's bulldog. While he evades capture, he seeks a cure for his condition and strives to keep the Hulk in check. Betty loves Bruce, no matter what he does, so it's no surprise when she dumps Samson like he never existed to jump into Banner's arms at the first opportunity.

Too bad they changed the rules on her! Instead of only showing up when Banner gets angry, Hulk makes his appearance any time Brucie's heart rate exceeds 200. Kinda arbitrary, but it's not a significant change, at least not to me. Betty didn't seem too happy about it.

Anyway, back to the story. Whilst fleeing Thunderbolt, Bruce and Betty seek the help of the enigmatic Mr. Blue, or Samuel Sterns. Sterns, the amoral little rascal, had been reproducing Banner's blood from a sample he sent early on. Meanwhile, bad little Blonsky has been juicing up with Super Soldier Serum, or some variation, and wants more. After Bruce is out of the picture, Blonsky forces Sterns to give him a transfusion of Bruce's blood.

Blonsky + Super Soldier Serum + Gamma-irradiated Blood = Abomination

That's when the real fun begins. The whole movie is a ramp up to the ultimate battle between the two behemoths. It does not disappoint. Hulk gets whacked around pretty good, but we all know who's the strongest one there is. It's not until this battle that we get to see some of Hulk's trademark moves, such as the thunderclap or the earthquake-producing ground pound. They're well worth the wait, though.

Jon mentioned that the pacing of this movie wasn't very good, better than the previous movie, but not as good as it could have been. I agree that the portions between Hulk's appearances felt long, but I can't think of how they could have paced it better. We definitely get some good Hulk scenes. The first appearance in the bottling factory only gives us tantalizing glimpses of him. Hulk's next scene is out in the open, fighting the army. It's just as good as the best Hulk scene of the previous movie, when he fights the army in the desert.

There are plenty of nods to fans of the comics and the old TV series. Naturally, Stan "The Man" Lee makes a cameo. So does Lou Ferrigno, doing double duty as a security guard (mit lines!) and as Hulk's voice, nice touch. Even dear, departed Bill Bixby makes a cameo on a TV. There's a character named McGee that is a reporter for the college paper. For those of you that don't remember, McGee was the reporter that continually hounded Bixby's Banner in the TV series. The Super Soldier Serum had the name Reinstein, code name for Abraham Erskine, the inventor of the Super Soldier Serum that transforms 98-pound weakling Steve Rogers into Captain America. Even Robert Downey Jr. makes an appearance as Tony Stark to tease Thunderbolt Ross and the audience about a team they're putting together.

Besides the pacing issues, which are by no means a deal breaker, and some deviations from the original source material, which is commonplace in the transition to the silver screen, The Incredible Hulk comes out on top. As far as recent Marvel movies go, I'd put it below Iron Man but above Spider-Man 3.

I give The Incredible Hulk seven out of nine non-existent gamma bombs on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything.

Kung Fu Panda OR How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ska-doosh

Stacy and I took the girls to see Kung Fu Panda with a friend of ours and her two boys. I wasn't expecting much from this movie. It looked like another in a long line of computer animated movies featuring big-name voice talent.

Well, it was that, but it exceeded my expectations. The relative unknown directing team of Mark Osborne and John Stevenson delivered a surprising amount of laughs and a few touching scenes among the whirlwind martial arts action in what could have been a standard reluctant hero movie. Naturally, they had help in the form of the aforementioned big-name voice talent

Leading the pack is Jack Black as the title panda, Po. Working with his father in the family noodle shop, Po dreams of something bigger, pun intended. His father, played by my favorite ethnic actor, James Hong, is a crane or some kind of bird. In a delightful twist, we never find out how he came to raise a panda as a son, not even during the big heart-felt father-son talk that usually couches the reveal. Thanks to a freak set of circumstances, mostly of his own hapless doing, Po is chosen by Kung Fu Master Oogway (Randall Duk Kim, another great ethnic actor) as the dragon warrior, destined to defeat the evil and nigh-unbeatable Tai Lung (Ian McShane).

This pisses off the Furious Five and their master, Oogway's student, Shifu, to no end. Shifu, played to my surprise once the credits were rolling, by Dustin Hoffman, bears the terrible burden of being the one that taught Tai Lung before he went bad. Obi Wan much? His Quintessential Quintet is led by Master Tigress, aka Angelina Jolie, didn't notice. Followed by Master Crane, or David Cross, didn't register. Next is Master Viper, Lucy Liu, really? Then we have Master Mantis, voiced by Seth Rogen, don't watch enough Appatow to know him. Finally we have Master Monkey, our beloved Jackie Chan, so that's why his accent was so strong! Seriously, either I was having an off night or this voice talent was just too vanilla. I'm leaning towards the former. I was juggling no less than three kids in and out of my lap during the course of the movie, so I may have been somewhat distracted. Let's just say my exceptional voice-placing talent took a break.

Ooo! Ooo! What? No, I'm not doing my Master Monkey impression. I don't believe he once uttered a single Ook through the whole movie. I just remembered one of the voice actors that I actually recognized, smartass. Michael Clark Duncan was ununrecognizable as Tai Lung's over confident warden. He shared his scenes with Dan Fogler, who I loved in Balls of Fury, but didn't even recognize here.

I'm sure that, armed with this knowledge, I would be able to recognize each and every one of these fine voice talents if I were to watch the movie again. That ain't happenin' 'til the DVD comes out, though.

Shifu's Fantabulous Five give our hero, Po, the harsh treatment that is his due for having the temerity to be nearly randomly chosen by their master's master. Their treatment of Po pales in comparison to Shifu's treatment of him, though. I thought Kung Fu masters were supposed to be wise? This one doesn't wise up until the metaphorical head slap by his master is delivered right before Oogway, ah, but that would be telling.

Like all great reluctant hero movies, we get a training montage midway through that makes a veritable master of Kung Fu out of Po. I'm not really bothered by this or the events leading up to it. It's all familiar, ingrained in the sub-genre wherein this movie lives. I suppose accepting the format allowed me to appreciate the nuances and humor used throughout. This movie doesn't tread any new ground, but then, who wants to be challenged by a kid flick?

The final reveal and climactic battles were enjoyable in their predictable ways. I think my favorite part was when Po finally realizes that he can stand up to the super-powerful Tai Lung, all by his lonesome. It's the ensuing battle and Po's tactics for winning that are so entertaining. What? Upset that I didn't post a spoiler alert? You obviously haven't been reading this, then. Po is the reluctant hero in a kids movie. You thought that maybe the outcome or how we got to it was in doubt? Then you need to google yourself a "hero's journey archetype" and remember all those stories you already know.

The animation was top notch. This movie was produced very much in the Madagascar style. That's not to say the movie was like a southeastern African island-nation that is no doubt beautiful and cinematic in its own right. No, the style reminded me a lot of the 2005 Dreamworks movie named after the island. The cartoony style lends itself well to the CGI medium. Rather than striving to look like something it's can't be, realistic, the CGI seems to take a back seat to some good cartooning.

Black and company deliver on the laughs, tug a couple of heartstrings (slightly, only slightly) and give us some good fast-paced action. At least, I'm assuming on the last one, since I missed the penultimate battle between Shifu and Tai Lung since Scarlett chose that opportunity to get out of her seat and hold a loud conversation with anyone within ear shot. I love that little girl!

I give Kung Fu Panda five out of eight noodle bowls on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything. For a good time with the kids, there's nothing better in the theaters right now.

Tomorrow, The Incredible Hulk!

Tenth Anniversary Adventures

Anniversary time! Stacy and I had our big tenth this weekend. I took the weekend off so we could spend some time alone together. This will be the first time since Vicki was a baby (now seven) that we've been away from the kid(s). We headed out to Chincoteague Island on the VA shore Friday night. The island's main claim to fame is bordering Asseteague Island, home of herds of wild ponies. While we didn't get to see any of the ponies because of smoke from some mainland wildfires, we had an excellent time.

We stayed at Miss Molly's Inn, a bed and breakfast in an old Victorian mansion. Marquerite Henry wrote the Newbury Award-winning novel about the Chincoteague horses, Misty of Chincoteague, while staying there. Having made our reservations late, we ended up in one of the attic rooms, but even that was great. The whole house was out of square, walking up the stairs was like being in a V8 commercial. The furnishings were antique and books were everywhere. In other words, a place specifically designed to piss off kids. Fantastic!

The next day, we went to the beach. Having perhaps the most alabaster skin this side of a bad poem, Stacy and I opted for the beach umbrella and SPF you-can-swim-in-the-sun-with-this-stuff-on sun block. Stacy insisted on bringing buckets and shovels to build a masterpiece in the sand. Unbeknownst to me, Stacy has never built a sand castle before. We've been to Hawaii twice, she's been three times total, and she's never done it. I feel kinda bad, since we actually didn't get to do it this time either. Instead, we did what all cheesy tourists do at the beach, buried each other. The water was frigid. We swam in it anyway, of course. At least until we couldn't feel our feet anymore. The rest of the time, we just read on the beach. That is the life.

Anyway, here's the pics:



As for anniversary gifts, Stacy gave me mine early. A little background, I went golfing for the first time in my life last month. I had a great time and have been wanting to go again since then. After a few "hints" from me and from a couple of my golf partners, Stacy bought me the only logical thing she could:




Is she not awesome?

For my part, I got Stacy a surprise gift. Gleaning on some hints she dropped months ago, I picked up a top-of-the-line TomTom GPS for the minivan. To throw her off the scent, since the purchase was sizable, I told her I had bought a new router to replace our erratic one. She was naturally confused as to why I didn't install it as soon as it got here. I mumbled something about waiting until FiOS came to our area and she forgot all about it. Earlier in the week, I broke it out while she was at a PTO meeting and had the girls record direction prompts. When I picked Stacy and Vicki up from ballet Friday night to head to Chincoteague, the GPS was installed. Stacy was dully surprised. I think her words were to the effect of, "Scott! You booger!" I love surprising her.

GPS rocks, by the way. Although we did get lost following it to pick up the girls. We listened to its directions even though the road we were on had a "Dead End" sign. I should have gotten the maps updated before we used it. It was a great diversion, however, as we surprised a bunch of high school kids setting up for a kegger at the end of an industrial park alley. It was hilarious! The first couple of kids parked on the side of the road before a small cul de sac just stared at us as we drove by, bald fat guy with a long goatee and chick with pink hair in a big minivan with a Tinkerbell antenna topper. I can't imagine what was going through their heads. I wonder if they scattered after we turned around and left? I tried to get Stacy to call the cops on them. No youth is complete without running from the cops at least once.

Hm. I guess my childhood wasn't complete.

What Do You Get for Fathers Day? Double Blog Post!

Woo hoo! Congrats to all the dads out there for making it through one more year. Happy Fathers Day! I decided to celebrate the day, I'd post not just once, but twice! I know, I know, it's an amazing gift. Don't spend it all in one place.

I had a great fathers day today. I received my fathers day gift a couple of days ago, but still haven't used it. For a while now, I've been frustrated by our charcoal grill. The time it requires to warm up and the frequent moving food to find hot spots has worn on me over the years. Since our most recent one has started to rust, I've been looking at new ones.

This is what Stacy got me:



Yup! Nice, eh? Stacy rocks.

Not only that, but the girls bought me Batman Pez, I have Batman, The Joker, Two-Face, and Penguin. They also got me a couple of talking cards, including an Indiana Jones one that played a personalized message and the Indy theme. Very sweet.

I've got a great family.

Gastrointestinal Blues

Stacy woke up in the middle of the night with some serious gastrointestinal complaints. After hearing her repeated trips to the bathroom, I decided that there was no way she was able to take care of our three kids, the two she watches every day, and herself. So I'm home today taking care of the girls. I feel a little bad that we canceled day care on such short notice, but there was no predicting this one. I'm more sad that I'm going to miss the farewell lunch for my coworker today. I wish her well in her new job at ThinkGeek

My previous class ended Monday and the next one won't start until next Tuesday, so I'm left with a bit more free time than I'm accustomed to. Maybe I'll have a chance to update this blog a little more regularly this week.

Yeah, you're right, probably not. I'm too much of a slacker and I won't amount to nuthin'.

It's All a C - O - N - Spiracy

Being sick sucks. At least I know I'm in good company. I have counted at least five other friends and family that have sinus infections or colds right now. What is up with that? That's the kind of thing that you expect to happen in the Winter, not at the beginning of Summer. I'd blame global warming if it wasn't so clearly a fabrication by the liberal media in some convoluted scheme to get me to subscribe to their homosexual agenda.

Department of Other People's Departments

Just a quick post to point you to Stacy's post from today:

Steps to freak out your husband

It was a good freak out, so don't hesitate to click the link.