Heroes on a Half Shell, Indeed

Jon and I caught TMNT this week, and though I’m a week late (I apologize for nothing!) I thought I’d post my thoughts.

First off, I went into the movie with low expectations. I read the comic before ever seeing the cheesy cartoon. While the comic was intended as a satire of then-popular teenage super hero comics, it was done in a seriously adult manner. Shredder gets his in the first issue. The cartoon was somewhat of a disappointment, but still entertaining in some ways. When the first movie came out, it brought back memories of the original gritty black and white. Even Splinter had the right origin story (pet rat mutated by the ooze, not a martial arts master mutated into a rat like in the cartoon.)

I was naturally disappointed by the second and third installments of the franchise, since they just upped the cheese factor to cartoon levels. When I found out this latest installment, TMNT, was to be a sequel, I was wary. Still, the trailers showed off some beautiful animation and triggered the same old nostalgia. Armed with the knowledge that the actual movie would probably suck, Jon and I caught the matinee on Tuesday.

It did not suck. It did, in fact, rock to some degree. The animation was even better than in the trailer. There was one sequence in particular on the rooftops in the rain that blew me away. So I picked myself up off the soda-stained floor and enjoyed the rest of the movie. Some of the art style’s quirks, like April’s extreme skinniness (though she did look hot in ninja gear, rawr,) and Max Winter’s extreme chinniness (did his chin continue growing all 3000 years of his life?) were a little distracting, (much like the structure of this sentence,) none of them were deal-breakers.

The cast was filled with uninspired voice over artist defaults, like that one voice you hear in every single WB/Disney animation project, Kevin Michael Richardson. You would recognize the voice if you heard it. However, the star talents, Sarah Michelle Gellar as April, Patrick Stewart as Max Winter, Mako as Splinter, and Ziyi Zhang as karai, with a little Laurence Fishburne action in the narration, made it all better. The turtles were voiced well, I didn’t recognize any of the voices or their names, which in this case was a good thing.

The story was as good as it should have been. How good can you expect a plot involving turtles transformed into pizza-loving ninja masters to be? I got the impression that the plot was merely a backdrop to tell the story of one family’s reconciliation and another’s disintegration. Nothing too cerebral, though. It was also backdrop to some sweet ninja turtle fights. Some of the twists and turns the movie takes to get to the resolution were good as well. Others broadcast the villains intent a little too loudly, making one particular twist a little too obvious by the time it came.

I give TMNT three and a half out of four half shells in a scale that I just made up. If your thing is seeing ninja turtles kick monsters, Foot Clan, and each other’s heads in a beautifully rendered urban roofscape, then check it out. If not, then I just wasted the last few minutes of your time. BWAH HAH HAH!

New Word Time!

Stacy and I were watching E! News the other night before bed. Just as we were about to turn the TV off, one of the hosts verbally and visually assaulted us.

“And FINALLY, Fergie poses for Maxim! Blah blah blah blah.”

Naturally, the visual assault involved images from The Fugness’s picture shoot. I decided then that the word Fug was not enough. There had to be a word that went beyond Fug; something that imparted the strong feelings of revulsion that accompanies viewing celebrities such as Fergie. Then, it came to me!

fergly adj.
1. A person so repulsive that he or she cannot be described by the terms ugly or fugly. (Origination: inspired by media saturation of the pop star Fergie in the mid 2000’s.)

Here’s the word in context.
“Man, Nicole Richie is so fergly, I wouldn’t touch her with Christina Aguilara’s hands!”

Here’s an image in case you don’t know who inspired this new word.

WTF?

Captain America Dies

Stormwatch 2007

Manassas, Virginia (SP) -- The Northern Virginia area is gripped in what weather experts are calling the storm of the century. Meteorologists are predicting massive amounts of snow, accumulating as much as 1” to 2” before the colossal storm continues eastward. Local weather authorities are urging city and county officials to declare an official state of emergency, restricting all road traffic to disaster recovery vehicles only.

“It’s like the sky opened up and took a great big dump on us,” said Manassas resident, P. Hicky after expelling a cheek full of chewing tobacco.

These trees are weighed down by as much as 2 lbs of snow

Another Manassas resident, fundamentalist J. Prescott, upset that her church services were cancelled, said, “I think this is a sign of the second coming. Just so you know, I’m ready for the rapture. Take me, Jesus!”

“It is my professional opinion that this storm will be the most severe weather ever recorded. The meteorological society will be studying the effects of this storm for years,” said Dr. Joseph Transyger, Meteorologist Emeritus at News Channel 8’s You Predict The Weather Day program.

Cocktails OR JJ Abrams Takes It Up a Notch

Last night’s episode of The Office delivered up its usual share of hilarity, but it ratcheted up the awkward level quite a few notches above the norm. Michael Scott’s diarrhea of the mouth was certainly not limited to him blurting out “Jan and I are lovers,” to the Dunder-Mifflin CFO hosting the party.

For those of you that haven’t seen the episode yet (shame on you): SPOILER ALERT!

Yes, it’s true, the Awkwardness™ passed from character to character like a baton at the relay race in the Socially Retarded Olympics. Dwight and Michael traded it a couple of times:

Dwight: What’s the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight, that’s not appropriate.
David: I don’t know.
Dwight: It’s a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?

Jim grew more and more awkward as he found that his girlfriend had “relations” with just about every guy at the party.

What? Karen’s a ho?

Nah, she just punk’d Jim so bad he didn’t even see it coming.

On the other side of town, at the bar, new heights of uncomfortable were reached by the whole gang. Creed, who is never awkward cause he’s Creed, reveals that he runs a fake ID business out of his car with a laminating machine he stole from the Sheriff’s office. Dang, he must carry a wheelbarrow with him everywhere he goes. Toby spends the entire evening winning a stuffed animal from the resident Evil Claw Machine™ for Pam only to have her rebuff his attempt at romantic generosity by reminding him that his daughter would like it, oh, and where was he all evening? She really wanted to hang out with him.

Nowhere was the unease more apparent than when Pam bared her horrible secret about Jim’s kiss to her on-again boyfriend Roy. The episode, directed famed Lost and Alias producer, J. J. Abrams, ended on a sincerely sinister note with Roy vowing to kill Jim Halpert after demolishing the bar with his drunk brother.

Yeah, kill.

So there you have it. While it was a hilarious episode, even in the Awkwardness™:

Dwight: Oh good, your up. Who makes this chair?
9-year-old Startled Awake: I don’t know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight: I want one. Really good solid construction. It’s comfortable. What is this? Oak?
9-year-old Obviously in Shock that a Stranger is in His Rocking Chair in the Middle of the Night: I don’t know.
Dwight: What do you know?

It ended on a decidedly creepy note. Pam and Roy are obviously through, this time for good, I’m thinking. Pammie’s newfound resolve to get what she wants may prove an interesting plot driver. Jim and Karen are still cute together and should stay that way. Michael’s retardation is stymieing Jan’s search for the forbidden high. Dwight is Dwight and I wouldn’t have him any other way. And Dunder-Mifflin soldiers on.

Oh, and thanks again to www.officetally.com for the quotes from this episode. Those cats are quick!

Ghost Rider? He barely Knew Her!

Okay, lame pun aside, he knew her pretty well. Stacy and I got a long-deserved break from the kids this week when we went to see Ghost Rider with Jon on Monday. We went armed with the knowledge that two good friends of ours did not like the movie. I quote, “The Punisher was better.” While I haven’t seen The Punisher (rated-R), I had heard plenty about it and knew that it fell somewhere between Daredevil and Fantastic Four among the latest crop of comic-inspired movies. I found it hard to believe that Ghost Rider could be that bad, considering how kick@## the previews looked. Then again, you can’t judge a book by its cover. You also can’t judge a book by what other people say about it. That’s why I don’t listen to movie critics. I lend a bit more weight to what friends say, but I usually reserve judgment until I have seen the movie.

In this case, I’m glad I did. Ghost Rider was much better than it could have been and nowhere as bad as some of the stinkers that Marvel has cranked out lately. It wasn’t even close to Spider - Man or X - Men levels of radness, but it rocked in its own way.

Let’s start with the visuals. No? You want to know about the story, you say. You want to know how compelling the characters were, you plead. Well too bad, non-existent, disembodied voice, this is my review.

The visuals were spot on. Never has a demon-possessed, flaming-skulled bounty hunter for the devil, with a flaming demonic bike of awesomeness and a death-dealing fiery chain of pain been translated so well between mediums. The initial transformation took a while to get to, but we were well served with some spectacular bike stunts in the meantime. The first time Ghost Rider made his appearance, you got a real sense of how painful such a transition might be as his flesh literally burns from his bones, leaving a grinning skull wreathed with hellfire behind. It wasn’t long after that his bike makes its own transformation with skeletal claws slowly reaching up to caress the gas tank, exhaust pipes elongating to bone-shaped tubes, down tubes morphing into solid chains, and a skeletal ribcage forming underneath it all. Very nice.

Ghost Rider’s origin was kept intact, something I feared would not happen. The previews made it seem like Johnny Blaze sold his soul to save the life of a girl, which would have been completely wrong. Thankfully, that wasn’t so.

The players ran the gamut from over-the-top comic book acting to genuine talent. This movie reminded me why I like Nick Cage. His Johnny Blaze had an excellent sense of timing and reaction. Cage lends a comedic quality to his characters that is understated yet supplies just the right amount of humor to offset the dark topic of the movie. Eva Mendes, who I maintain is near the bottom of the hot Latina starlet list (I would sooner take Salma Hayek, Vanessa Marcil, or Eva Longoria over her, though she is still miles above Horseface herself, Penelope Cruz,) played Roxanne Simpson, a hot newscaster with a smoking past with Blaze. Okay, I gotta stop with the fire references, this is too much even for me. She was all right, but I’m not much of a fan of hers anyway, so I paid more attention to her revealing outfits than her performance (boobtastic).

Sam Elliott, who was his usual crusty self, led the supporting cast. I wouldn’t have him any other way. His Caretaker was a joy to watch. Peter Fonda, looking extremely aged, played Mephistopheles né Mephisto. I expected his character to be over the top, but he was delightfully subdued, if a bit creepy uncle. I appreciate seeing Donal Logue in anything since his turn as a vampire lackey in Marvel’s first modern foray into comic book movies, Blade. Sadly, the rest of the supporting cast sucked donkey balls. Wes Bentley’s campy Blackheart led actors that were even worse in the villains’ camp. Besides Brett Cullen's Barton Blaze, the rest are completely forgettable.

If this movie lacks for anything, it is the plot, and boy does it lack. Mephistopheles sics Ghost Rider on Blackheart, who is searching for a contract that contains the power of 1000 souls. The previous ghost rider hid the scroll from Mephistopheles, fearing the power would make him unstoppable. Blackheart wants it to rule Hell and Earth with it. Now, why would a paltry 1000 evil souls from some abandoned town in the Southwest mean so much to the ruler of Hell? I would imagine that he gets more than that in a slow year. Not to mention, the state of the souls seems like it would devalue the deal. Wouldn’t 1000 innocent souls mean much more to Mephistopheles? Why can’t the ruler of Hell manage four demons, one of whom is his own son? Why can Ghost Rider handle them when he can’t? There were plot holes aplenty as the movie progressed. For instance, the legend says there is one ghost rider every generation, but the last ghost rider was from 150 years ago. Abuh? Wouldn’t it be nice if generations were spread out that far? I could dig living 150+ years.

So yes, the plot stunk, but oddly enough, that didn’t detract much from the movie. This flick did not pretend to be anything more than it was; a disposable bit of eye candy to while away a couple of hours. It didn’t aspire to be Oscar-worthy. It didn’t have its sights set on critical acclaim. It delivered itself as a guilty pleasure that I would certainly watch again, if for nothing more than seeing Ghost Rider blaze down the side of a building to land in the midst of a hornet’s nest of angry cops.

I give Ghost Rider four out of five flaming skulls on the meaningless scale that I just made up.

One Wedding and a Vampire

NBC has aired two episodes of The Office since last I blogged about the best half hour of comedy on television. In that time, Michael Scott sank to new levels of social retardation, Jim has pulled even more elaborate pranks on Dwight than before, and everyone else in the office has had a share of embarrassing moments.

Pam and Roy Phyllis and Vance of Vance Refrigeration’s wedding was a smashing success. If by success I mean that Michael horrifies the bride, offends the groom, and embarrasses his employees, a poor uncle with dementia and Michael Scott (not the same person) were thrown out, and Pam watches her wedding dream pass before her eyes, then yes, it was a smashing success!

A couple people have pointed out to me that Michael’s latest forays into public humiliation have been a little over the top. I don’t think so. Look at the poor blighter’s history. He peed all over himself and threw the rings in a queen-sized hissy fit at his mom’s wedding. I think everyone was fortunate that Mr. Scott didn’t piddle himself as Phyllis’s dad did the miracle walk down the aisle.

As funny as the wedding scenes were, the highlight of the show for me was Jim’s Pavlovian experiment with Dwight. The entire sequence took place during the opening scene and consisted of Jim triggering the error chime on his computer and then offering Dwight a mint. By the end of the scene, Jim had triggered the chime and watched in amusement as Dwight held out his hand for the mint, only to become baffled when Jim asked him what he was doing.

“I don’t know, my mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. ::smack:: ::smack:: ::smack::”

Classic Jim!

His wedding crasher prank was amusing, but it did result in poor Uncle Al’s expulsion and Michael Scott’s redemption, so it was more of an intricate plot device than anything. Was anyone else creeped out by how quickly Pam got back with Roy?

The next episode will forever be known to me as “The Joss Whedon Episode” simply for the fact that Joss Whedon didn’t think it should be known as that and I’m a contrary @$%&. In “The Joss Whedon Episode” Dwight discovers that the office is the current home of a deadly vampire bat! Naturally, there is no reason to assume it’s a vampire bat until Jim shows signs of vampirism after a bite that mysteriously disappears.

As Jon pointed out, what truly drives the funny is Jim’s steadily worsening symptoms and Karen’s wooden delivery of her lines.

“Tch! Ow! That bread is white hot!”

“But Jim. This. Garlic bread. Is cold.”

By the end, Dwight is so convinced that Jim has fallen to the Powers of Dark that he has armed himself with a Creed-manufactured wooden stake.

God speed, Jim, God speed.

Christmas Joy of Software Development

Software development is like Christmas.

I don’t mean that in the joy-to-the-world, open-the-presents-under-the-tree, goodwill-to-man kinda way. I mean in the mall Santa hauling one kid after another onto his lap as the harried short person in the elf costume shooed all of the eager kids from one end to the next and can’t I please have the Omnibot 2000? I’ve been super good all year! Why is Santa’s lap warm and wet? Did that last kid pee on Santa? Oh man, please tell me it was the last kid that peed on Santa. I don’t think Santa brings Omnibot 2000s to kids that pee on him.

Christmas Dreams Dashed on the Rocks of Reality

Um, back to topic

Let me explain. The customer is like the eager kid bouncing up and down in excitement on Santa’s knee. The kid rattles off a stream of things he wants as Santa listens patiently and smiles.

“And I want this, and that, and one of those, and another one of those, and five of these, and…”

He pats the kid on the head and sends him on his way with a candy cane. I know what you’re thinking; Santa must be the software developer. Oh no, that would be fun, because then the developer would have the power of Santa to reward or deny the eager kid his requests. Nope, the developer is Santa’s workshop elf. Santa’s lone workshop elf. You see, the elf doesn’t get to tell Santa that the toys he wants him to make are beyond reason. Santa tells him to make the toy and expects results come Christmastime. Did I mention that Christmas is two days away? And that there’s only one elf? Yeah, software development is like that.

Join me next week as I explain how raising kids is like being a Keebler elf!

I Am 99% Sure That Is Not The Real Benjamin Franklin

If you missed The Office yesterday, don’t read this post, if you didn’t, then you already know that it was, in fact, not Benjamin Franklin.

Last Night’s episode, Ben Franklin, was more comedic gold from the cast and creators of my favorite comedy. Let’s break it down, medium style.

Phyllis’ upcoming nuptials prompt an all-girl shower in the office while the guys get a GAI (Guy’s Afternoon In, totally not gay) in the warehouse. That’s an all male shower, of course, which is totally not gay.

I was going to give a blow-by-blow of the episode, but chances are you’ve seen it or don’t care, so I’ll skip that. I’m just going to give some highlights of my favorite lines, courtesy of the fine people at www.officetally.com.

Michael: I am instituting primae noctis.
Jim: Primae noctis, I believe from the movie, Braveheart, and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So …
Michael: I’m sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what primae noctis meant.

Michael: Okay, coed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith: Shut up, Angela!

Michael: Guys! Beef. It’s what’s for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then my man meat he shall have.

Ben Franklin: You know, I invented electricity.
Pam: I know.
Ben Franklin: Well, I’m sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn’t Ben Franklin have syphilis?

Michael: Stripper? Could I ask you a question? About women? Um … should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: Secret secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone.
Michael: Wow. Thank you.

Michael: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper? Gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president but someone like Elizabeth can’t.

Dwight: I don’t care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

I Should Apply for a Job

I've been away too long. To apologize, I've decided to become a total shill for Axe. Technically, this is a Lynx commercial, but it's the same stuff and this one is longer. For those of you that do not appreciate the female form in motion whilst wearing a bikini, I got nuthin.

Yo Ho, Web 2.0!

New word time!

"Moblo". No, that's not what the Hollywood starlet said to her sugar daddy.

So Jon and I (where were you. Brian?) went to Web 2.0 training today. Most of the time. we go to these more for the sweet OT that they reward rather than hoping to get much out of them. There's not a lot of demand for anything beyond minor problem-solving skills and ridiculously proprietery knowledge to do our jobs.

However, this training gave me quite a few ideas. There are some technological advances that Web 2.0 is advancing that I will probably look into, such as AJAX and XHTML. I'll be sure to post some of my experiments here.

That's not why I'm blogging tonight, though. You see, I learned a new term today, "Moblog". It stands for "Mobile Blogging", or blogging with a mobile device such as a smart phone, which is exactly what I'm doing right now (I love you, T-Mobile MDA!)

But I can't be bothered with this unwieldly six-letter word! Naw, man, I gots places ta be and shiznit.

So the word is moblo, not moblog.

Truth in Advertising?

It's been out for a little while, so you've probably seen it, but I have a weird fascination with Axe's newest commercial. It starts out kinda hot, then really gross, then hot again as the couple rolls through a tomato patch and picks up a cute tomato picker. That's when the guy gets really lucky. Anyway, here's the commercial.



I don't remember where I saw it, but someone recently made the comment that Axe is for sweaty nerds that think wearing it will impress the ladies. I don't know enough about their demographic, but I have the sneaking suspicion that it might be true. Meh. I use Axe because Stacy likes the way I smell afterwards, but we have yet to tumble into an accidental three-way while making out. Hmmm. Maybe we need to make out on mountains more often. Something to think about.

Happy New Year and All That Jazz

I'm normally not that excited for the end of the year/beginning of the next. I will stay up until midnight to give my wife a smooch and that's about it. One year we actually went to the Melting Pot to celebrate with a good friend and her brother. That was the last time I really "rung in the New Year".

I recently watched Comedy Central's 2006 Last Laugh with Jack Black, Patton Oswald, and one other comedian whose name I can never remember and I really don't care about. Our jovial Mr. Black pointed out something about New Years that pretty much cemented my take on the "holiday". It's made up. We made it up to celebrate the transition between two arbitrary periods of time. We made up time. It's just to keep track of when stuff happens. Big whoop! So really, New Years Day is just another day. I personally commemorated it with a batch of laundry and a short call to Stacy.

Don't let anyone ever tell you that I don't know how to get down and party.

Similarly, I don't get into New Year's resolutions. I found that the best way not to break a resolution is to not make one. This year I am making an exception. This year I resolve to get out of my dead-end job and do something different. I've been working on the same desk for 6 years. There have been plenty of changes in those 6 years, but I just don't see myself going anywhere positive from here. I already have a lead I'm following up on to that end, so I'm hoping this will be my first and only successful resolution.

I'd ask you to wish me luck, but I'm pretty sure that's something we made up, too.

An Evening amongst the Curio Collection

With Denver snowed in and our holiday visiting prospects dashed, Stacy and I decided to take the girls to see Night at the Museum on Christmas day. It did not disappoint. Besides the PR campaign’s complete lack of showcasing Carla Gugino’s involvement in the film, a fact that Jon says is a big reason not to go see the movie, it looked decent in the previews. It did not disappoint. Even at his most unbelievably awkward, Ben Stiller can still get a laugh from me. There were a few awkward moments, but Stiller got to showcase some of his comedic talents beyond being that guy we all like to cringe at. Robin Williams was remarkably reserved as Teddy Roosevelt. Limiting him to a single character with no zany voices really worked out. Owen Wilson (uncredited!?) was remarkably tolerable as the miniature cowboy hell bent on overtaking the neighboring Roman diorama. Perhaps the biggest surprise was seeing how spry Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, and Bill Cobbs were. This was also the first time I have had the pleasure to see The Office executive producer Ricky Gervais onscreen. Or at least I thought it was. Reading his IMDB entry I found that I had already seen him as a guest star on Alias.

Stiller’s Larry Daley copes rather well with the shock of the museum displays coming to life. More interesting is his progression from get-rich-quick schemer to dependable leader and responsible dad with romantic prospects in the shapely form of Ms. Gugino’s Rebecca. Even William’s Roosevelt finds romance in the movie. We see Larry risk losing his first steady job in years, discover his inner strength, and defeat the treacherous villains with the aid of the entire museum before the end. Besides a couple of scenes that kept Vicki’s feet nervously kicking, such as the T-Rex skeleton bearing down on Larry before he realizes Rexy just wants to play fetch, the movie is an adventure anyone can enjoy.

Wireless Woes

Since we didn’t make it out to Utah before Christmas last week, our days were wide open. Stacy wanted to use the time to clear out the office and move Scarlett’s crib in there. Our hope is that we can let her cry in the crib without fear of waking the girls. Maybe then she’ll learn to self-soothe and we can get a decent night’s sleep again. Part of the office move involved dismantling the computer desk and moving it into the living room downstairs.

It only cost me $230 to do it, too.

Why 230 clams? Because my HP Media Center PC decided to spontaneously fry its power supply in the short trip between the office and the living room. I didn’t want to accept that it was the problem, but the rapidly blinking power indicator on the back of the supply was hard to ignore. We were also leaving the cable modem and wireless router in the room upstairs, so I had to get a wireless card for the HP, too.

230 smackers and a trip to CompUSA later and I have a working computer thrumming along with a powerful 500 watt supply and a brand spanking new Wireless-N network card. Who knew moving a computer one level down in my house could be so expensive?

Speaking of Wireless-N, I couldn’t be more frustrated with Linksys. It’s not really their fault that the industry can’t settle on the next high speed wireless protocol, but damn it, I can’t seem to get the same components in my network at the same time.

When I started building our wireless network, I used D-Link equipment. After many frustrating attempts to keep my computers on the network, I gave up and went for my tried-and-true brand, Linksys. At the time, they had come out with a new Wireless-G overlay called SRX. This used multiple-in, multiple-out channels to increase range and compression to increase speeds. I was ecstatic with the 108mbps connections I was making with my Dell desktop and work laptop.

Then I got my personal laptop. This is when Linksys first let me down. My new laptop has a PCMCIA express port, but Linksys doesn’t make anything but PCMCIA cards. Alas, I was stuck with nothing but the built-in wireless-G connection, back to 54mpbs for me.

Later, Linksys came out with new SRX protocols, including 2.0, 200, and 400. You’d think all I needed to do was upgrade the firmware on my router to use them, right? Wrong. SRX 1.0 is not upgradable. Thanks a lot, Linksys.

The latest wrinkle in my wireless network woes is Wireless-N. CompUSA no longer carries any SRX components. So my new wireless card in the HP is not compatible with my SRX network. If this draft of the wireless protocol happens to be the one that is picked for the industry, then I’ll have one component ready for the new system. In the meantime, I have one more component that is locked down to 54mbps.

How much will it cost to upgrade my entire network to Wireless-N? Around 230 bones.

My Brain Hates Me

While going to bed with the wife away sucks, it does usually mean that I get more sleep. Whether it's the getting the baby for midnight nursings, comforting one of the older girls after a nightmare, or being awoken by a flailing arm, my nights (and Stacy's) are regularly interrupted. Add to that the fact that I can never seem to get to bed before 11:00 PM on work nights and you get an idea of how tired I am when I come in to work. Since none of those distractions exist when the family is away, I usually get a full night's rest any given night.

Just to make sure, I took some Excedrin PM last night. I got to sleep around 9:30, which wouldn't give me a full 8 hours, but it'd be more than usual.

That's why I was surprised when I woke up at 11:30. Muddled with sleep, I stared at the clock for a few moments trying to puzzle out how I could sleep all the way to 11:30 without waking up and why it was still dark outside. Ohhhh, 11:30 PM, well that's okay, I still had 5 hours to sleep.

Then I woke up at 1:30. WTF? Whatever, I still had more sleep time.

Then again at 3:00. Ok, now I'm kinda pissed off at myself.

By the time my alarm started going off at 4:25, I was only lightly sleeping. Angry at the entire situation, I hit my snooze out of defiance. I was going to get some more damn sleep even if it was only 9 minute increments!

I finally gave up a little before 5:00 and got out of bed. There's something about not even reaching REM sleep that really bugs me. It may be a wholly psychological thing or an actual physiological effect, but I always feel off when I don't get at least 4 hours of continuous sleep. I have come to the conclusion that my brain is angry at me for some reason. Maybe it was all the paint fumes I inhaled after finally painting that empty spot on the basement wall?

Excuse Me as I Wax Melancholy

There are few card rides that are more depressing than the one immediately following dropping your family off for a week-long trip. I know I'm being maudlin about it, but I'm in a funk right now and I'm hoping this will be somewhat cathartic.

I love my family. There are times when they drive me crazy, individually and collectively, but all the other times make the occasional annoyances well worth it. Nothing compares to the sound of three little girls shouting, "Daddy!" when I walk in the door after work. Snuggling a sleeping child is a close second. I have such a hard time sleeping in an empty bed that I will usually stay up into the wee hours of the morning to avoid it when my wife is gone.

I'm sure that by tomorrow I will feel my usual self. I'll most likely fill my time alone by watching a ton of movies in the theater, playing video games, and watching TV. Im working two days of OT this week, so my usual three day work week will be five. Hopefully the fact that I have to get up for work will help me get to bed at a decent hour. Then again, working OT on the swing shift kinda defeats that idea. However, the OT is uding the holiday, so double time and a half is coming my way. What better way to pay for two Christmases than some holiday OT?

What I Did(n't) Do During Winter Break

I hate Denver. It's all Denver's fault.

Early Wednesday morning found Stacy, the girls, and I up and ready to drive to Baltimore for our trip to Utah for Christmas. Being the experienced traveler that she is, Stacy decided to call United Airlines to confirm our flight reservations before we left the house. That's when we found out that our flights were cancelled. Yay.

Turns out that Denver was expecting 10 to 20" of snow that day. Also turns out that our flight routed through Denver. Bad combination. After talking to a United rep from India for about half an hour, Stacy was no longer in shape to deal with the situation. I took over and dealt with the rude agent for another 30 minutes. We got nowhere. Denver was closed and there were no other flights they could put us on.

We happened to book our flight through Travelocity, roaming gnome and traveling guarentee and all that. I gave them a call and got routed, guess where? That's right, India. The gentleman on the other line was a little nicer, but no more helpful. After an hour of getting even further nowhere, he transferred me to United.

Woo hoo.

This time I got someone that could actually use a computer and look up other flights. There were no flights available that day, but he could split us up and still get us to Utah the next day. Stacy and the girls were on the same flight out of Baltimore and through Denver, hopefully with clear runways by then, and I was out of Dulles with a layover in San Francisco of all places.

Since driving to Baltimore sucks and she would be able to sleep in a couple of hours, Stacy decided to book a room in an airport hotel. We let Vicki go to one more day of school and then headed up to the BWI Red Roof Inn. As we drove, I called Jon to see if he could pick me up the next morning for the drive into Dulles, that way we wouldn't have to pay long term parking fees.

Naturally, the change in traveling plans had to be shared with all of our family, so we spent the drive up making phone calls. Midway through one of the calls, Stacy got a message from United. Her flight had been cancelled again. Denver was getting pounded by a once-in-five-years storm and there was no flying in or out of the area.

At this point, Stacy was just about falling apart and I was quietly seething at United's ineptitude at rescheduling and rerouting flights. We stopped at a Ruby Tuesdays near the hotel for dinner and some decidedly unrelaxing hold time with Travelocity. The roaming gnome's rep couldn't get a hold of anyone at United, she kept getting disconnected after holding. Her solution? Telling me that I would have to call United instead.

We cancelled Stacy's hotel reservation and headed back down to VA. Stacy couldn't get anyone at United to answer. It seems they were having issues routing calls to agents all night.

How convenient.

We decided to stop by Washington/Dulles Airport to clear up the issue with a real person at a desk. The six other people in front of me in line were there for the same reason. As I stood there, the four United reps helping people finished up with their current customers and then two of them inexplicably left.

I don't care what your personal issues are. When you work in a customer service oriented industry, you damn well make sure your customers are taken care of before loafing off somewhere. Queue time was ridiculous, but after about an hour, I got up to the counter. The lady behind it was obviously stressed and bedraggled. I was apparently her last customer and the rest of the people in line were out of luck unless someone in baggage claim was willing to help.

The lady was mostly accomidating, but couldn't really help. This time there were literally no flights out until after Christmas. Naturally, this screwed up our holiday plans royally. There was no way I could get to go since I have to work again on the 27th. I decided to book Stacy out on the 28th since her return date was still January 4th. At least she'd have time with her family and friends. This time she and the girls would be flying out of Dulles, but still going through Denver. Hopefully the weather would be clear by then.

Stacy did some extra phonework this morning and found flights out on the 26th instead, but there was still nothing before Christmas. So now Stacy and the girls will be flying out of Dulles on the 26th, stopping over in San Francisco, and then flying on to Utah. It'll be a long flight for Stacy with all three girls and no one to help her, but I am hoping that the time in Utah will be theraputic.

Fun Little Side Note Dept.
Stacy proactively shipped all of our Christmas gifts to her father so we could have a nice Christmas morning in Utah. The only decoration we put up here was an artificial tree and a wreath on the front door. We are normally in the running for best decorated house, so it was hard for us. Now, decorationless and presentless, we faced a Christmas morning here in VA. Stacy and I found a babysitter today and spent another couple hundred dollars making another Christmas here at home. The kids will have two Christmas mornings now, lucky them.

An Asian Hooters Christmas

There is a chance that my one reader has not seen the episode yet, but I've got to blog about the last installment of The Office before my memories of it fall into one of the oubliettes of my mind, forever lost. Needless to say, but I'm going to say it anyway, there are spoilers below. You've been warned.

Holy !$#%^ crap, that episode was hilarious.

Longtime fans of the show will agree that Creed doesn't get enough airtime, but we were treated with another glimpse into his creepy life in the beginning of this episode. Creed saunters in, sees the Toys For Tots box, peruses casually, and just as casually tucks a toy under his arm. Considering he has no kids, I don't want to know why he's taking the toy. When told that he's supposed to put toys in the box, he merely replies with, "And a Merry Christmas to you, too!" and continues sauntering to his desk. Creed rocks.

Meredith is another Office B-Lister. The red-headed alcoholic has more clips in the deleted scenes than any other B-Lister I've seen, and she's usually very funny. The editors kept a few of her scenes this time, and she didn't disappoint. When offered a margarita at Karen and Pam's (more on that most awesome of pairings later) much funner party, she politely refuses with, "No, they're too sweet," and proceeds to walk off with an entire bottle of vodka and a determined look in her eye.

Just like Michelle, I gave a little shout when I saw Oscar make his abortive return to the staff of Dunder-Mifflin. I hope this means we'll see him as a regular when the show comes off the Winter hiatus. Oscar's reactions to the crap that goes on at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton are priceless.

Continuing on in the B-List vein, let's look at Kevin. The poor man's quandary about whether to attend Angela's party or not could be boiled down to a hilarious pro and con. He sat there in the confessional weighing his love for double fudge brownies on one hand against his distaste for Angela on the other. You could really tell that he was hard-pressed, too. If you blinked, you probably missed his graceful exit from Angela's soiree as someone left the door open too long. Brownies in hand, he joined the festivities of the Karen/Pam party.

Speaking of Angela, was she in rare form that night! My jaw dropped almost as far as Karen's as she delivered a scathing dressing down and summarily dismissed the latter from the party-planning commission. A brilliant, but sadly deleted scene, even shows us Angela getting physical with poor, depressing Toby, and not in the good way. At least Her Vileness got a write up for it. The softer side of Angela actually came one step closer to making its appearance in the office when she and Dwight K. Schrute shared a surreptious handholding moment. Awwwww.

Toby and Stanley had a couple of good lines while I can't recall Ryan or Kelly doing anything really memorable. The A-Listers, however, had some truly great moments.

First, the inevitable love triangle, Karpim, er, Jaram, no, Pimen, um, Kkkkkk-Jam, screw it, Karen/Jim/Pam. I'll admit that I'm on Team Karen, doomed though I know it to be. Jim even confirmed that Karen is a rebound from his fruitless attempts to get with Pam in season 2. I understand Jim and Pam have a history and they share in little moments, but Karen is cuter, geeky in a good way, and makes no attempt to hide her interest in Jim. Pam, on the other hand, obviously doesn't know what she wants with her friendly chats with Roy and her frequent attempts to buddy around with Jim. You can't have it both ways, Pam. I'll just leave that relationship with the bittersweet montage of Karen/Jim moments playing in my mind.

Starting at the top of the list, the big kahuna, the best boss in the world, Mr. Scott-o! Speaking of inevitable love triangles, Michael's has now been broken on both sides. Not since Randy had a mariachi player follow him around with the Spanish version of Time After Time on My Name is Earl has a breakup been so entertaining. Granted, that was just a week ago, but still. In order to cheer him up, perrenial suckup Andy invites Michael to Benihana, which shall forever more be known as Asian Hooters. Of course, Michael needs his entourage, bros before hos, after all. So Michael, Andy, Dwight, and a reluctant Jim file out of the office for some male bonding. The funniest bit of the Asian Hooters scenes was Jim falling back into old habits as he explained to Dwight, who had to sit apart from the bros due to a hapless couple's unfortunate seating choice, that the conversation between Michael and the cute Asian waitress was about her difficulty killing and skinning a goose. Of course, ever the helpful know-it-all, Dwight launches into the proper procedure at full volume over the heads of his unfortunate table mates and to the horrified dismay of the waitress. We know that Dwight K. Schrute is an expert in this as he performed the service just that morning on the Christmas Miracle Goose he hit on the way into work.

Meanwhile, Pam felt guilty about not standing up for Karen in the party planning meeting. Since she has no outward reason to dislike Karen, she decides to try to be her friend. Before his trip to Asian Hooters, you can see that Jim is decidedly uncomfortable with the two girls giggling and plotting in the corner. Turns out that he has nothing to worry about yet, as their plotting involves creating the Committee for Party Planning in direct opposition to Angela's Iron Fist Party Planning Committee. Further, their party will start 15 minutes before Angela's and will include margaritas and karaoke! I have to admit that I was smirking right alongside the girls as they shoved their party announcement into Angela's mortified gob. I believe that the Karen/Pam team may be a force to be reckoned with.

To prove that they are gracious in victory, Karen and Pam invite Angela to combine parties once they have succeeded in luring over almost every one of Angela's partygoers. In one last show of her innate snarkiness, Angela reveals that she was the culprit in the Mystery of the Missing Karaoke Machine Power Cord. Even she got her swerve on in the karaoke singing with a stirring rendition of Little Drummer Boy with Dwight's vox drum accompaniment.

Poor Michael Scott experiences heartache once more as his Asian Hooters date decides to split with his bicycle and turns down his invitation to Jamaica's hottest all-inclusive resort. Here is where we get to see Jim wax on about rebounds and the power of that first, true love. Ah, Karen/Jim, we barely knew thee. Mark my words, this is the beginning of the end for them.

Oh, and who was that Michael Scott convinced to go with him to Jamaica on the phone at the end? It couldn't be Jan. She can't be that desperate, can she? I see comedy on the horizon!

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