Broadband Ho

I love Broadband Internet service. I have missed Broadband these last three days. None of this “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” My heart could not grow fonder than it already is of Broadband. I might as well marry it, I love it so damn much. Stacy and the good Commonwealth of Virginia might take offense to that, so I will carry on my illegitimate romance with Broadband on the sly. I thought Scott was going to have to choke a B@#$% in the last few days though. Broadband left without a word. Broadband didn’t even say how long Broadband would be gone. Broadband just left. I’m no fool. I know I’m not Broadband’s only liaison. I called Broadband’s pimp to find out where the heck Broadband went. Comcast was clueless as usual. I tell you what, if I was Comcast, I’d pay more attention to where my hoes at, nawamean? Anyway, Comcast sends out an in-home tech to investigate Broadband’s absence. He finds out that Broadband ditched my neighbors at the pedestal. The ho was out all over. So the in-home tech tells me that maintenance has to fix the problem. That’s when I saw the uprooted trees in the park area behind my house. Did Broadband get jacked in one of the rain storms? Was my illicit love brought down in the prime of life by a natural disaster? I may never know. Maintenance comes and goes without a word, they are beholden to no one. After another day of no Broadband, I call the pimp back again. They tell me that maintenance came out and put Broadband back out on the corner. Oh, so it’s gonna be like that is it? Broadband’ll whore out to my neighbors but won’t come back to the one that really loves Broadband? The pimp sends maintenance back out the next day. They don’t find a thing wrong. Broadband is still at the pedestal, giving it up for the neighbors. The pimp says it’ll send out another in-home tech to check out why Broadband wasn’t giving me the love. That’s not going to happen for another few days, though. My wife, who loves Broadband almost as much as I do (sometimes we use Broadband at the same time, yeah, we’re kinky like that) even threatened to switch to DSL Broadband, the “daytime” Broadband. The pimp don’t care, though. We go out to run errands, safe in the knowledge that we would be without Broadband for days. I even jacked in at Panera Bread to get my fix, but the Broadband there just isn’t the same. We come home and turn on the TV, just to see if the pimp has worked some mojo on the sly. There it was, picture as clear as day. I flipped open my laptop to see if Broadband had come back and there was Broadband, whispering sweet nothings straight into my eyes. Aw yeah, I knew you couldn’t stay away for long, Broadband. You had to get you a piece of this lovin’ didntchoo? Don’t you leave again, Broadband, else I’m gonna have ta give you five across the eyes, hear me?