Thing You Shouldn't Do #6

Today we have a cinematic installment of Things You Shouldn't Do.

Thing You Shouldn't Do #6:
Watch Babylon A.D.

Why? Because there are much more useful things to do with 90 minutes of your life, like watch paint dry.

That's the short of it. For those of you that want some background on the finer points of why you shouldn't watch Babylon A.D., read on.

Vin, Vin, Vin. Why do you keep doing it? Furthermore, why do I keep watching you do it? Maybe it's because you are a self-admitted geek, so I give you chance after chance, but you continue to disappoint.

Babylon A.D., directed by Mathieu Kassovitz, the visionary director that brought us such blockbusters as Café au lait and Gothika - OK, I can't do it. This guy was the frakking mugger on The Fifth Element for crying out loud. He managed to cobble together a bunch of disjointed, badly shot, horribly scripted, poorly acted, lamely choreographed scenes from actors such as Vin Diesel, Michelle Yeoh, Gerard Depardieu, and Lambert Wilson, all of whom should disavow themselves of this hackfest as vehemently as possible.

While "Guide escorts helpless client to safety" movies can be done well, this one was not. Way too much focus was given on showing what a badass Diesel is, only to ruin the characterization with one giddy bonding scene with the female protagonists. Tell you what, I'm not even going to give you further details on why this movie sucks as bad as it does. I have three words for you,

Canadian Killer Drones

Just let that sink in for a bit. No amount of suspension of disbelief could allow me to enjoy this movie, and I have a lot of it. Having said all of this, I now know that Jon will be looking forward to this on cable. He's as much a glutton for punishment as I am.

I give Babylon A.D. zero out of two hundred fifty-five badass mercenary guides with hearts of gold on a scale I just made up that doesn't mean anything. Except that you shouldn't watch this movie. Yeah, don't.