Other Drivers = Jerkwads

For the purpose of this post, you may substitute any instance of the word “driver” with “jerkwad” or your expletive of choice.

I don’t know what contributes to my aggressive driving. Is it what I learned from my dad’s driving growing up? I still remember the time he was going to “turn over a new leaf” after receiving a ticket. That lasted all of a week. Is it just an extension of my impatient nature? I don’t appear to have a short temper. Most of the time I just get quiet when I’m mad, so it’s not obvious unless you’re paying attention. Is it my six years of driving in Virginia? If a light changes to green and the driver in front of you doesn’t move within one to two seconds, it is a common courtesy to lay on your horn until they driver goes. I suppose it doesn’t really matter where it comes from, the end result is that I hate all other cars on the road.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that every driver has the right to be on the road just as much as me. It’s just that they should not exercise that right when I’m driving. That’s right, if I’m on the road, all the other drivers should be off. If only I was that important.

It’s that attitude that causes me to daydream about creative ways to reduce frustration on the road. A few years ago I saw a comedian that wondered what it would be like if everyone’s license plate was also their cell phone number. I can think of a few choice words I’d have to say to the drivers that fail to notice me as they merge blithely into my lane.

Remember that old school game where you’d whisper something into a neighbor’s ear and tell them to “pass it on?” The physical variant involved punching your neighbor’s shoulder as hard as you could before telling them to share the wealth. Ah, youth.

I was stuck behind an annoyingly slow line of cars on the way home from shopping with Stacy last night. We knew traffic would be bad with the rain and rush hour, so we postponed it for a bit by spending some time at the mall. Apparently, we didn’t postpone long enough. As I was driving 10 miles under the speed limit in the left lane, I could see the driver in front of the pack just poking along. I thought back to that comedian and the old school game. How great would it be to call your fellow frustrated motorist in front of you and give him or her a sweet, polite, expletive-filled message to pass on? I imagine it would get pretty creative by the time it reached the driver at the front of the pack.

Who are these people that don’t follow the speed limits, anyway? What are their motives? What reason could someone have to slow down miles of traffic by going well under the speed limit in the fast lane? Are they completely unaware of the frustration they cause in other people? Is it a good thing I don’t have a gun in my car? I can only answer one of those questions, but the answer depends on how you’re driving when you’re on the road with me.

Completely Unrelated Dept.

Man with 10-year erection may not get his cash

PROVIDENCE, R.I. - A former handyman from North Providence who won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a malfunctioning penile implant may not get the money after a judge dismissed his claim.

Click here to read more.

I just had to share that to make a point. “10 Year Erection” would make a great name for a band.