Mandatory fun activities. Funtivities!

What can I say about last night’s episode of The Office? I laughed through it all. Here’s a brief synopsis for you. Michael Scott applies for a job at HQ in New York. In order to choose his successor, he holds the Beach Games. The winner will get his job, because naturally he’s a dead lock for the NY job. Hilarity ensues.

Everyone hit their marks throughout the show. Meredith, to show how prepared she was, shows off the bathing suit she wore under her clothes – only she forgot she put it in her purse (Mardi-Gras moment, anyone?)

Stanley shows his enthusiastic side for a few minutes when he realizes he’d rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than anyone else in the office.

Stanley: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.

Andy shows his outlet for his barely-contained rage after losing one contest.

Andy: I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! (skips stone on water.)
Mallard: QUACK!

Kelly, the cause of his frustration, shows us just how clueless she is.

Kelly: Who’s Bob Hope?
Michael: God! He’s, he’s a comedian.
Kelly: Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Michael: Who’s Amanda Bynes?
Kelly: She’s from What A Girl Wants.
Michael: Oh, I love that movie.

Dwight shows his extremely competitive nature.

Dwight: Sabotage.
Angela: What? What are you saying? Did you say “sandwich”?
Dwight: No, I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying … sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

Angela shows what a duplicitous b!@#$ she is.

Andy: Go tell them I’m floating away, obviously!
Angela: I don’t understand what you want from me.
Andy: Angela, it’s pretty simple. Look at what I’m doing, and go tell somebody it!
Angela: Sorry! Bye, Andy!
Andy: Angela!

Oscar shows us that he’s still placidly offended by Michael’s constant stereotypical comments.

Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar: I don’t wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael: Well, you can’t swim in leather pants. (Laughs) I’m just yankin’ your chain. Not literally.

Kevin shows his true nature.

Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Pam shows us her meek submissive side. Or does she? More on that later.

Pam: There’s nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh … diligent note-taking.

Jim shows his maddening ability to needle Dwight.

Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight: He who must not be named? I wouldn’t do that.
Jim: Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort …

Poor Toby shows us just how pitiful he is with barely any lines, but the hound dog look he has mastered.

Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory, that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it … then it’ll suck.

Creed shows us his disgusting side (when does he not?) after hand catching a fish and devouring it raw.

Creed: Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!

Michael Scott shows us that he’s just Michael Scott.

Michael: Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something.
Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.
Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he’s classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don’t really trust him.

Karen and Phyllis really didn’t have many lines. They’re there, and that’s about it. Besides, the big news of this episode comes after Pam conjures the courage to walk across burning coals. Since it’s the day after the episode aired and I don’t want to spoil anything for late-comers, I’ll just link to www.officetally.com‘s quote page if you want to read it yourself (thanks, officetally.com!) It’s Pam’s last quote.

Suffice it to say that the Pam/Jim/Karen triangle is about to heat up. I think the finale next week will set the tone for the relationship for the next season if not settle the triangle for good.

Kudos goes to the entire cast as well as director Harold Ramis. I knew Egon would make good! While I gave you plenty of quotes, none of them give away anything vital. If you haven’t watched the episode yet, then get to it! It’s well worth the ½ hour.

I know the crap out of women

Two weeks later and two knee-slapping episodes of The Office have come and gone. Last night’s Beach Games was classic Michael Scott, but first: Women’s Appreciation.

Just the title makes you wince a little knowing Michael Scott’s warped sense of what is appropriate. Even before watching I knew the episode would be rife with off-color comments couched in well-meaning by Michael and unabashed, if unaware, misogyny by Dwight. I wasn’t wrong.

Things start off in their usual way, with Jim tormenting Dwight. This time there’s a twist. Dwight tries to start it, but Jim handily finishes it.

Jim: Oh, what’s this?
Dwight: That is a demerit.
Jim (reading paper): “Jim Halpert, tardiness.” Oh, I love it already.
Dwight: You’ve got to learn, Jim, you’re second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim: Oh I understand. And, I also have lots of questions. Like what does a demerit mean?
Dwight: Let’s put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim: Lay it on me.
Dwight: Three demerits, and you’ll receive a citation.
Jim: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight: Oh it is serious. Five citations, and you’re looking at a violation. Four of those, and you’ll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you’re looking at a written warning. Two of those, that’ll land you in a world of hurt. In the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim: Which would be me.
Dwight: That is correct.
Jim: Okay, I want a copy on my desk, by the end of the day, or you will receive a full disadulation.
Dwight: What’s a dis … what’s that?
Jim: Oh, you don’t want to know.

After the titles, we find out that a rather unsavory character has exposed himself to Phyllis and no, it wasn’t Creed. In a surprising show of solidarity, the entire office consoles Phyllis. The entire office, that is, except for Michael. In his customary manner of insensitivity, Michael bags on Phyllis for a few minutes to the complete horror and/or disgust of the rest of his staff.

Michael: Um … I mean, did he even see Pam? Or, uh, Karen from behind?
Kevin: I’m guessing not.
Michael: Okay, masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus?
Toby: I don’t think laughing about it is an appropriate response.
Michael: Prove it. Let’s see your penis.
Michael: You know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.

What was with the circus comment, anyway? So, to prove he is really a sensitive guy, Michael declares it Women’s Appreciation Day. How to celebrate? Why you take all those of the weaker sex to the place they love best, the mall!

Do they discuss women’s issues at the mall in an open and comfortable manner? No, not really. Although Michael gives it the good old college try.

Michael: Mmm, what is a Pap smear? Or is it “schmear”? Like … the cream cheese.
Pam: Okay, new topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?
Kelly: Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But uh, sometimes awesome.

Things quickly devolve from there as Michael blurts out some very uncomfortable comments about his relationship with Jan.

Michael: I like cuddling and spooning, and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Pam: Omigod.
Michael: And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
Karen: That is not healthy behavior.
Michael: No, it’s not that bad. The worst part is, that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.

Wow.

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, oops, sorry, wrong show. Meanwhile, back at the office, the guys discover the gleaming mecca that is the women’s bathroom. The spacious lavatory comes replete with lounging sofas and magazines. Why not?

At the mall, Michael is working through his issues with Jan. To thank the girls, Michael magnanimously offers to buy them something, anything. Anything from Victoria’s Secret, that is. For some reason, Angela doesn’t take him up on the offer.

Michael: You don’t want anything? My treat. Some panties or … pick a thong or … G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any, it just, you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.

Once he’s back at the office, Michael decides to deal with the whole Jan thing, with his girl posse to back him up. Unfortunately, she’s not answering her phone. What does Michael do? The classy thing, of course.

Michael (leaving voicemail for Jan): Hey, Jan, it’s me. Michael. I’m just calling to say that I think we need a little break. Permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I wanna remain friends. Or at least, business associates who get along. Oh just so you know, it’s not me, it’s you. Okay, buddy. Somebody just walked in, I have to go. Um, so I’ll talk to you later.

In walks Jan to apologize for an earlier phone call in person, only to receive the message while there. You can guess how that goes.

Not a whole lot happened on the Pam/Jim/Karen front in this episode. Pam shoots Karen a couple of sad looks as the latter picks out some saucy underwear to wear for Jim. Worry not, though. Major developments in the next episode!

This was a good episode, albeit one full of uncomfortable moments. I found myself averting my eyes during the most embarrassing scenes. What's up with that? It's not like anyone I'm watching knows I'm being courteous by not witnessing their shame. I've got issues.

Once again, thanks to www.officetally.com for the excellent quotes! I leave you with Michael Scott’s profound wisdom.

Michael: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. ‘Cause they are un-understandable. There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain. “Michael, how can you appreciate women so much, but also dump one of them?” You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well maybe I learned something from women after all.

May I Point Out That the Sex Appeared To Be Consensual; Both Animals Were Smiling

Another fine episode of The Office aired this week. So many great lines, so little desire to turn this blog into a mirror of officetally.com. Still, I must share some. For example, this episode featured perhaps the most entertaining prank Jim has played on Dwight yet. First, the setup: Jim walks in to the Office carrying wearing a yellow shirt and a bad tie with his hair combed just like Dwight’s. Then, after sitting down stiffly, he squints at his screen and pulls out a large pair of glasses, just like Dwight’s.

Jim: Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That’s a ridiculous question …
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That’s debatable. There are basically two schools of thought …
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

The hilarity of the episode could have ended there and I would have still reached my quota of laughs, but no, things went further.

It seems that our favorite amoral skeeve, Creed, failed to fulfill his duties as quality control and let slip a large batch of paper with an unseemly watermark.

Michael: We have a crisis. Apparently a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24-pound cream letter stock. 500 boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I’ve never been a fan.

There were some great Creed moments, including his horrifying detective work to locate an “escape goat” to his subsequent collection of goodbye money for the hapless employee, which he promptly pocketed, naturally. Ah Creed, you rascal!

Besides Creed’s machinations, we got to see two other stories play out. First, we find that Andy is an unknowing pedophile. Best I don’t spoil that one for those of you that haven’t seen it. Suffice it to say that it involves a two-page ad in the yearbook that says, “Good luck!” and a stirring rendition of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.”

The other plot focuses on Michael Scott’s rapid devolution from a responsible apologist to a ranting quasi-psycho delivering a videotaped ultimatum.

Michael: If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn’t me. They are trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to god, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.
Pam: One day for what?
Michael: That’s — they always give an ultimatum.

Kelly also had her brief time in the sunshine as Michael assigned the accounting staff to her department, customer service. If you know Kelly from this season, then you know how the training session with Kevin, Oscar, and Angela went.

Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.
Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you’re missing while you’re teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly: Okay, Angela. I love your enthusiasm! All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say, “Customer Service, this is Kelly,” except don’t say Kelly. Say your own name. Or if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, (British accent) and I talked like this for the whole conversation.
Kevin: Oooh, can I be … (awkward accent) Australian, mate?
Kelly: Absolutely!
Kevin: ‘ello … mate.
Kelly: I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend.
Kevin: I like ice cream, too, mate. Alli-ga-tors, and dingo babies.

There is a great deleted scene featuring Kelly and Angela up at NBC’s The Office Web site.

No action on the Karen/Jim/Pam front, and that is find by me. The show isn’t about them, after all, not wholly at least. It was nice to see all the interactions between the other characters in the place of more romantic plot development. I’m sure we’ll see things come to a head (that’s what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!) before the end of the season, which is three short weeks away. New episodes right up to the end!

As always, a big thanks to the fine folks at http://www.officetally.com/the-office-product-recall for the excellent work on quotes from the latest episodes!

Can You Ever Truly Be Safe in an Office?

Because of a late bedtime for the girls, Stacy and I got to this week’s installment of The Office a day late, but the time did not diminish the funny. You could almost feel Michael Scott’s feelings of inadequacy as he strived to take center role in Darryl’s warehouse safety training.

Darryl: Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift?
Michael: I can and I have.
Darryl: No no no no no no. I said should you? You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift. You understand?
Lonny: You’re not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl: It’s not safe. You don’t have a license.
Michael: Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge: Madge.
Michael: I thought your name was Pudge.
Madge: No, it’s always been Madge.
Michael: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl: Her. Yes, her is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael: Fine.
Darryl: Do you understand that?
Michael: Yesh.

It made it even funnier when he attempted to prove how dangerous office work was. An ill-advised stray comment from Pam inspires the fearless (and clueless) Michael to demonstrate a suicide attempt from depression. It doesn’t sound funny until you consider his “safety measures”. The first attempt, a trampoline, was nixed when their “test watermelon” proved that bouncing from a trampoline onto Stanley’s car could be messy. I would have loved to see Stanley’s reaction when he saw the melony carnage spattered across his roof. That particular failure led to a great bit with Dwight “unshunning” and “reshunning” Andy repeatedly so he could communicate with the ostracized coworker.

Dwight: I’m temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: Means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Andy: Anything.
Dwight: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and/or castle.
Andy: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight: What do you think? You’ve got an hour.
Andy: I’m gonna need petty cash.
Dwight: Shunning resumed.
Andy: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight: Un-shun. Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.

Andy got Michael a moon bounce castle to soften his landing. A moon bounce castle that was at least 20 feet away from the edge of the building. As Jim and Pam took odds on whether this was a serious suicide attempt (10000 to 1 against,) they realized that regardless, Michael Scott was going to kill himself to make a point.

Kevin: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

I loved seeing the transition from safety training to true suicidal depression as everyone tried to talk Michael down. Not even Jim and Pam could keep straight faces as Darryl lauded Michael for how brave he was for waking up everyday knowing he had to be himself.

Darryl: What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely, Jan, man. It’s goin’ good, right?
Michael: It’s complicated with Jan. And I don’t know where I stand or what I want. The sex isn’t nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl: Mike, you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael: You really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn’t do it. I ain’t that strong and I ain’t that brave.
Michael: I’m braver than you?
Darryl: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl: Come on down, okay?
Michael: Okay. Pam, I’m coming down to get my present.

So who is the hero? Michael Scott, of course! Who else could get across the message, which was totally the plan all along, right?

Michael: I saved a life — my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.

As for the Pam/Jim/Karen triangle, I found myself oddly conflicted this week. I have been steadily behind Karen since she hit the scene (if ya know what I mean ::wink::) but this week I seriously considered the Jim/Pam possibilities again. Maybe it was Pam’s participation in the escalating office pools. Ryan winning the bet that Kelly could talk for more than 2 ½ minutes about Netflix was priceless, by the way. Maybe it was Pam actually smiling and having a good time with the gang again. She’s got a great smile. Maybe it was fond memories from seeing her in decidedly less office-style attire in Blades of Glory last week. I don’t know what did it, but I may be back on the fence in the whole triangle debate. I do maintain, however, that no matter what happens with the triangle, Jim and Pam cannot sleep together. That would irrevocably destroy the sexual tension that keeps their onscreen relationship interesting.

Oh, and Nerfy Life would make a great name for a band.

As always, thanks to www.officetally.com for the handy quotes!

The Office Moral: Use Mace Wisely

Ah, The Office, how do I love thee? In private, where no one can see my sick perversions. No, not really in private, Stacy and I do it together. Yeah, you read me right, together.

How many times can I say that the latest episode was comic genius? At least one more, because I’m saying it now. Everything from Dwight’s office arsenal to Michael Scott’s cross-dressing had me laughing until my sides hurt. I loved Angela’s promptings for every variation of the story of Dwight’s heroism and Dwight’s refusal of any accolade.

Dwight: No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

We were surprisingly light on Jimisms in this episode, but it didn’t detract. Kelly and Ryan made up for it in spades.

Kelly: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Kelly: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan: Don’t you see why that’s insane?
Kelly: Oh, so I’m crazy now?

I still feel bad for Jan every time she and Michael Scott interact in front of others, but hey, she’s brought it on herself, right?

Jan: Are you going to take care of this?
Michael: Yeppers.
Jan: What did I tell you about “yeppers”?
Michael: I don’t remember.
Jan: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Michael: Ye–sh.

A few small moments showed the creators’ attention to detail that I really enjoyed. For instance, in the last episode we saw Oscar and Angela make a small connection in their common dislike of the bar. In this episode, we saw a further development of that relationship when Roy comes in for his final paycheck. While it’s Angela that has to hand the paycheck to Roy, it’s Oscar who stands between them protectively. It was sweet.

I don’t see things working out between Jim and Pam anytime soon with the latest brouhaha, which I consider a boon to the show. I’ve said it before and I maintain that to have them hook up would be jumping the shark. Just like Sam and Diane lost all their chemistry and sexual tension after they slept together, so would Jim and Pam. The show would certainly suffer for it. I do miss the sly glances at each other from the first two seasons as well as the conspiratorial meetings, but those days are gone as well. Still, The Office has yet to disappoint me, so I’m onboard for wherever they decide to take me next.

I’ll leave you with one final quote from the end of the show. As always, I give a big “Thank you!” to http://www.officetally.com/ for the handy quotes. Check out the site for a preview of next week’s episode!

Andy: I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell — on time. Now I’m back, got a second chance, and I’m not going to blow it. So look out, Dunder Mifflin! I mean “look out” in a fun way. You know, not like, “I’m going to hurt you.”

Oh, and by the way, Final Paycheck would be a great name for a rock band.

Cocktails OR JJ Abrams Takes It Up a Notch

Last night’s episode of The Office delivered up its usual share of hilarity, but it ratcheted up the awkward level quite a few notches above the norm. Michael Scott’s diarrhea of the mouth was certainly not limited to him blurting out “Jan and I are lovers,” to the Dunder-Mifflin CFO hosting the party.

For those of you that haven’t seen the episode yet (shame on you): SPOILER ALERT!

Yes, it’s true, the Awkwardness™ passed from character to character like a baton at the relay race in the Socially Retarded Olympics. Dwight and Michael traded it a couple of times:

Dwight: What’s the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight: Does that include the garage?
Michael: Dwight, that’s not appropriate.
David: I don’t know.
Dwight: It’s a common question.
Michael: David, how much did this house cost?

Jim grew more and more awkward as he found that his girlfriend had “relations” with just about every guy at the party.

What? Karen’s a ho?

Nah, she just punk’d Jim so bad he didn’t even see it coming.

On the other side of town, at the bar, new heights of uncomfortable were reached by the whole gang. Creed, who is never awkward cause he’s Creed, reveals that he runs a fake ID business out of his car with a laminating machine he stole from the Sheriff’s office. Dang, he must carry a wheelbarrow with him everywhere he goes. Toby spends the entire evening winning a stuffed animal from the resident Evil Claw Machine™ for Pam only to have her rebuff his attempt at romantic generosity by reminding him that his daughter would like it, oh, and where was he all evening? She really wanted to hang out with him.

Nowhere was the unease more apparent than when Pam bared her horrible secret about Jim’s kiss to her on-again boyfriend Roy. The episode, directed famed Lost and Alias producer, J. J. Abrams, ended on a sincerely sinister note with Roy vowing to kill Jim Halpert after demolishing the bar with his drunk brother.

Yeah, kill.

So there you have it. While it was a hilarious episode, even in the Awkwardness™:

Dwight: Oh good, your up. Who makes this chair?
9-year-old Startled Awake: I don’t know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight: I want one. Really good solid construction. It’s comfortable. What is this? Oak?
9-year-old Obviously in Shock that a Stranger is in His Rocking Chair in the Middle of the Night: I don’t know.
Dwight: What do you know?

It ended on a decidedly creepy note. Pam and Roy are obviously through, this time for good, I’m thinking. Pammie’s newfound resolve to get what she wants may prove an interesting plot driver. Jim and Karen are still cute together and should stay that way. Michael’s retardation is stymieing Jan’s search for the forbidden high. Dwight is Dwight and I wouldn’t have him any other way. And Dunder-Mifflin soldiers on.

Oh, and thanks again to www.officetally.com for the quotes from this episode. Those cats are quick!